Tag: chanel

Please Protect My Depends From Evil

Please Protect Depends from Evil

There is no doubt in my mind I’m not the only one who has to hire Hercules to open my packages nowadays. Does anyone but me say nowadays nowadays? Anywho I was talking about trying to open packages I receive from online and buy in stores.

It seems there is a movement underway to prevent anyone over sixty from accessing their purchases.

Not only are packages impossible to open, I can’t even understand how you would even find the right place to start anymore.

They come in convoluted boxes and plastic covers that are almost impossible to expose. Does it open on the side, the top, or somewhere in between? Is this a Martian ploy to drive us all crazy and move in?

The configuration is completely foreign to me. So I wind up slicing through the entire box until I find a crease that will produce the contents. Or just try to find a scissors strong enough to cut the container apart. Maybe Robert Downey Jr. will loan me his Iron Man suit?

If these newfangled and I’m not sure anyone says newfangled anymore either, boxes are a challenge, let me tell you about the bubble wrapped ones covered in plastic. They are built to withstand a nuclear holocaust and along with the roaches will be the only things left intact after World War III.

I have tried to open them with scissors, obscenities, knives, rocket launchers, a crowbar and a prayer. Nope, nothing works.

Some do allow access if you bend the entire wrapping backward. Then you can almost see a slight opening only someone who works out every day could even pull back.

By the time I open these damn packages, I’m too weak to use what’s inside.

So I must ask myself, is this a plan to kill off old people and lower the population?

I have heard of certain cultures that believe if someone lives too long, they’re outta there. So is this the new way of ridding the planet of those who are past their prime?

Ah, so I see, it’s an old people test of some sort.

Like a carnival arcade game.

Open the wrapping and prove you are fit to stay on earth.

Hmmm? If this sounds like some dystopian plot, have you tried to open those new boxes from Amazon that use the same glue as NASA on its rockets?

Not only can we tear every muscle trying to open up a new can opener or bottle of make-up, we can also go mad trying to figure out which end is up. Or worse slice our hand off trying to cut the darn things open.

I have spent a lifetime trying to figure out which end is up and now, just when I think I mastered the test, there are these boxes.

Ah but who is behind this evil plot? Is it SPECTRE? Or Austin Powers? Come back to us Sean Connery. Come back!

Just like there are senior friendly caps on prescriptions shouldn’t there be the same for boxes? I mean we could check a box on the order whether or not we are old. If that box isn’t too small to see of course. Then they could send us easy open containers.

I don’t want to get all Gray Power about this, but don’t seniors have rights? Shouldn’t we be allowed to open boxes as easily as a body builder? Can’t they test to see if anyone but Arnold Schwarzenegger can open these containers?

Even a bagel has a plastic support invention to cut it open safely.

I guess I have to ask myself, who are they protecting my face cream from?

Is there some type of corporate espionage we don’t know about?

Is Charmin secretly ordering boxes of Northern Quilted to copy their softness secrets? My ass is flattered they care so much. Perhaps Proctor and Gamble is protecting my Oil of Olay so that Chanel can’t steal its anti-wrinkle formula.

You would honestly think the key to Fort Knox was in those boxes. Well the joke is on them because the U.S. is so broke they will have to go somewhere else to find any money now.

I understand merchandise must be protected from shoplifters. But now that’s it’s all under lock and key can’t they ease up a bit on the packaging? I mean is Metamucil really in danger of being stolen by a herd of constipated elephants?

Can an eighty-year-old woman really shove a giant size box of Depends into her purse?

Is there a run on cases of Ensure in drug stores? And could an old person really lift one?
But are these products designed to be protected in the stores? Or as I am prone to believe, from anyone opening them post purchase? Perhaps they should return to using the blue dye attachments that spray your face?

Corporations spend a fortune protecting products with unopenable boxes each year.

Just a thought here. Perhaps the money would be better spent installing metal detectors in every school in America to protect kids instead of Ex lax? Just saying.  

Dueling Doctors; Who to Believe?

chicken

Dueling Doctors: Who to Believe?

My hands screamed up at me chapped and red from washing and cleaning and begged me to stop with the hand sanitizer already. Every day the story changes! Is it living on surfaces or isn’t it? One week no, next week, yes. What’s with these people and why not say we don’t know so just do everything? I am getting more mixed messages here than from the last guy I dated.

Not only do I wear a mask to get the mail in my own lobby, or to pick up a delivery outside my door, but nothing gets inside without being sprayed, wiped and left to sit for days to avoid any live virus germs from escaping and attacking me in my sleep.

I have even toyed with locking my bedroom door in case they can crawl over the floor into the hallway, slip inside and sneak up on me. Can it climb through windows, maybe open doors? How many powers does this thing have? Maybe it should be a new character in the next Avengers movie? It could play the villain with 19 super powers. Maybe the Hulk could take this thing out?

Paranoia gone wild? I think not! They should make a video and film the virus romping on a beach during spring break.

In case you think I’m the only one who is so germ phobic take a look in the mirror at your new designer mask and matching gloves. Now it’s a damn fashion statement. I hear Prada and Chanel are showing a line of masks on the runway and Alexander McQueen is designing plastic body covers next year.

So now that we have all been trained to wear hazmet suits in our homes and check for corona virus germs trying to climb in our windows or be delivered on a food delivery box, we are told maybe they are not as hardy as we were told. Oh, I’m sorry that was yesterday and today they took it back. Guess they’ve been eating their spinach.

Yesterday as I was wiping down every doorknob and light switch in my home I heard the CDC had determined the disease doesn’t live as long as they thought and it takes more than simply passing someone on the other side of street to catch it. Today the germs have recovered their superpowers and are alive and well on every surface of our homes.

So I must ask myself, what’s the truth and if we ease up on worrying and being paranoid will they change their minds again next week. Is it capable of living a hundred years or more and popping back up to say hello from time to time?

I can see it now, the virus laughing and dancing on those surfaces we now feel safe enough to leave unwiped. Sneaking across the floor while we unsuspectedly watch the second season of Shtisel, unaware that the germs are crawling up the sofa legs in pursuit of our unprotected immune system.

So what should we do while we wait for more contradictions?

I’m well aware that scientists and researchers don’t always agree and I know how many people ridiculed and contradicted Jonas Salk on his quest to create the polio vaccine?

He had naysayers and critics galore, yet his persistence paid off and the world was ultimately saved from a disease that scared me as a child even more than corona does now. Public swimming pools were closed to protect children and adults while parents feared taking their kids to crowded places.

I had nightmares about those scary iron lungs and remember the day I received the vaccine in school. We all lined up and one by one we were handed a sugar cube on a paper cupcake holder with pink medicine squirted over the cube, then the nightmares about the iron lungs disappeared.

When scientists are flummoxed it doesn’t help the confidence of the regular people that are afraid to touch their own refrigerator door. Isn’t it enough the calories are lurking out there to attack us as we are held in captivity with junk food calling our name?

So who and what do we believe? I guess since we don’t know, it’s best to proceed with caution. In the meantime I’m cleaning, spraying, masking and holding my breath when I’m not stuffing my face.

Which unfortunately seems to be most of the time lately.

 

Here is my recipe for Garlic Chicken Enjoy!

 

Easy 40 Clove Garlic Chicken

 

4 chicken thighs and 4 drumsticks

40 or so cloves of garlic

1 ½ cups whipping cream

½ stick of butter

1cup chicken bouillon

½ cup white wine

Onion powder

Thyme (optional)

Salt and pepper to taste

Place chicken and garlic cloves in a roasting pan and season. Add liquids except whipping cream and melt butter and pour over chicken and garlic. Roast it in a 325-degree oven for an hour or until chicken is fully cooked through.

When done, remove chicken from the pan and scoop out pan juices and then add whipping cream and mix together. Taste and if it needs salt you may add more at this point. You may strain sauce if you wish or enjoy the garlic whole.

Smashed Sweet Potatoes

1 large Yam

1 Large Sweet Potato

Salt

3 tablespoons of butter

Peal and cut up potatoes and boil in salted water until fork tender.

Remove from water and add butter and salt to potatoes.

Using a fork mash them gently until smooth but still chunky.

Enjoy with the chicken and sauce.