I’d Love to Clock Father Time

Back in the day we had time, and that time was delivered by clocks.

There were clocks all around us.

The round one on the school room wall. The one on your mother’s old giant stove. The fun Kit Cat Klock with his tail marking the seconds.

The one on your alarm clock radio, the cuckoo and the clock in that cool new two-toned car your father just bought. And our watch.

One of my favorite clocks was always the one the white rabbit ran through wonderland carrying while screaming about being late. Perhaps our most effective reminder about how important it is to show up on time. At least it was for me. Let’s face it, why would a bunny rabbit be so agitated unless it really meant something? That’s how I saw things.

We had all kinds of reminders about time. Clocks, what time the Mickey Mouse Club started and why it was so important to rush home to watch American Bandstand. The fact time was an important factor in our lives wasn’t lost on us. Not dawdling while walking to school was planted in our brains.

Of course, when you’re young there is a different concept of time.

It seemed the school year simply crawled by at a snail’s pace. Summer vacation always looked eons away. Sadly, summer vacation seemed to move more quickly.  

At a certain age that all changes.

I’m not certain if awareness comes slowly. The realization that time is beginning to pick up speed. One day you wake up and say what the hell happened to the past year? I swear it was just here. I know I was actually living in it and then, poof it just vanished into thin air.

Or do we gradually just acclimate to the fact the days are shorter and the months are passing quicker than they once did?

Whichever it is, we are suddenly faced with the fact we are growing older at supersonic speed. When we look back at years gone by, it amazes us how fast we’ve come to this one.

Yes, for some reason we find ourselves talking a great deal to our friends and family about how fast it’s all going. How long ago the past seems to us.

Probably because we have so much more past to remember today.

Our brain becomes adjusted to remembering things that happened thirty years ago and much slower to remember last week. Could that be because what was now means so much more to us.

I’m not talking in terms of living in the past and not be aware of the now. Suddenly, all the things we did and were able to do before creep into our memories like photos on one of these movable picture frames.

Remembering those who’ve left seems more essential to keep them alive.

Yet we realize how important it is to embrace the present. To be in the now and not squander the time we have left.

So although we haven’t the energy or will to move through life as quickly as we once did, we find ourselves facing leisure guilt.

If we choose to stay at home and relax while watching a favorite movie, is that a waste of time? Shouldn’t we be out running around creating new memories at breakneck speed while we still have the time?

What exactly does embrace the now really mean? And should it be the same in our older years as it was in our youth. Yet isn’t everything a memory?

Of course it’s true there is much more that needs to be done when we’re young.

Our lives are filled with stuff to accomplish each day. School, work, raising children, meetings, chauffeuring the kids about, cooking, cleaning and falling into bed at night exhausted from the day’s activities.

Then suddenly we’re living in a time when we can pick and choose what and how to spend those hours.

It’s now our choice to golf, pickleball or meet a friend for lunch. Perhaps we should spend more time with our charity work or travel more?

We can fill the hours with the things we want, but we can also choose to simply relax and enjoy doing nothing.

Reading a book, knitting, watching YouTube, chatting with a friend on the phone about how crazy the world has become.

And most importantly spending time with our children and grandchildren.

So what makes the things we used to do more deserving of our time than what we do now?

Probably because the things we do now, except for the thousand doctor appointments a month, are of our choosing.

Not that working or raising a family wasn’t a choice, but it was what we did for the people we loved.
Now how we spend our moments are up to us and for us.

Sure, we still take time to do things for others, after all our children and grandchildren still often need us. But most of the time it’s up to us how we use our hours.

If anything, we are far more aware of the clock than ever. The ticking sound is always there in the back of our minds.

Despite the fact we now use an iphone or computer to tell time in lieu of a Kit Cat Klock, the seconds rush quickly by.

Just like as a kid when we wanted summer to last longer, today we want the years to slow down and stop flying so fast.

Neither then, nor now will what we want change anything.

Father Time is a bitch and no friend to anyone. Oh sure, they dress him up with a long white beard wearing an innocent looking outfit carrying his little scythe.

But he is the ultimate master of deception. The world’s greatest thief.

If I ever run into him I am definitely going to stick that scythe where the sun don’t shine.

Enjoy your day everyone.

Who’s your BFF?

So many of my friends have spoken lately about how their lives have become smaller. Where parties, loads of friends and social engagements were a big part of their time, that isn’t the case any longer.

I thought it was just me.

Of course there was a pandemic that kept everyone antisocial for over a year. We were secluded in our homes, talking to most people over Zoom or Face Time or chatting on the phone. Or even at times to ourselves!

Whether or not COVID has anything to do with slowing your party roll or not, I can’t say for sure.

But I have noticed that I have become dependent on new besties that I run to in times of need. A slew of new BFFs that I can truly count on and know will be there for me? More friends all the better, right?

I suspect others may have adopted these new buddies as well.

Please let me list a few.

Top of the list for new BFF would have to be my heating pad. I’ve been through many already. Heating pad is always there to offer help. To warm and comfort me when I am aching or stiff. Even when I am sore in places I didn’t realize I had places and to restore balance to my body and equilibrium. The new ones have new shapes and soft fabric that adds that soft cushy feel to the radiating heat. If this sounds like a commercial for heating pads, it is. If I could wrap myself in one like a blanket as I go about my day, just call me Chief Aching Joints.

Who could know that I would be so dependent of a piece of cloth that exists to only heat up and stop pain. Oh sure you need friends for emotional pain, but heating pad just sits there, totally lacking in personality. It possesses no ability to make me laugh, do the housework or throw in a load of wash, but it beats a robot vacuum by miles.  

When I was young my mother was always lying on her heating pad. Then I didn’t understand how anyone could be so attached to a square piece of warm cloth, but now I see. The fact they haven’t changed in all these years speaks volumes. Oh sure the fabrics and sizes may have been modified, but they continue to do one job and one job only. Perhaps a lesson in the old adage, jack of all trades master of none. I’d say old heating pad is a master at what it does, and I’m not alone in that assessment.

And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention my new buddy, Melatonin. Who knew? Not that there’s melatonin, but that I would ever have trouble sleeping. I used to literally fall into bed and within minutes I’d nod off to dreamland like someone who had just plowed forty acres without the mule. However, things changed and now it’s like plowing forty acres to get to sleep. Oh we try everything. Watching TV, listening to relaxation tapes, music, playing mental alphabet games. Despite the fact you ultimately fall asleep, in an hour or two you’re up again to make that first of many trips to the bathroom. Yep, the days when you could just lie down and actually sleep through the night are all gone.

Another of my new besties is, drumroll please, Physical Therapy. Go figure the best part of my day would be going to stretch, strain and then the best part, the massage. Oh glory how a massage can undo the stress of well, all the things stressful about this getting old thing. Then at the end they put this electrical current thingy on, I think they call it a E-stim, and a heating pad or ice and you lie there just soaking up the heat thinking how did I ever live without this? You leave feeling looser, calmer and in less pain than when you came. Who couldn’t love an experience like that?

And to think I used to think finding a new chocolate bar was soothing.

As if these old age goodies aren’t enough to add to the new best friend list, we have a whole group of buddies made up of what I call body helpers.

Stuff that makes everything easier. Wrist, knee and neck braces, lidocaine patches, handfuls of supplements each day. There are drawers full of band aids, pain relievers, bandages, antibiotic creams and all kinds of other tubes and potions. These are designed to heal and fend off pain and protect our ability to be mobile and independent. And let’s not forget lip liner for women. Oh that pesky disappearing lip line.

Sure it sounds crazy to signify these things as BFFs but let’s face it, what are friends for?

To comfort, share experiences with you, listen to you, uplift and just be there to try and boost you when you’re down.

All these things do that without even talking, offering advice or pointing out a better way to go.

Once our skates, footballs, bikes, basketball hoops, swimming pools, TV sets and cars along with so many other things we took for granted when young were our besties, along with our real-life friends of course. Now we also rely on new ones. Oddly we seem to even appreciate new and old friends a bit more. Perhaps that comes with aging as well.

Sure our choices have changed along with our bodies, but our minds haven’t gotten the memo. I still think I’m twenty-one and despite evidence otherwise, these new BFFs keep the illusion partially alive.

So a big toast to new friends, even as we appreciate the old ones even more.

Has anyone tried that new red light therapy thingy? Are they safe? Oh well, I hear it keeps you young so on my way out to try one now. After all, you can never have too many friends.

YouTube, I Tube, We all Scream for YouTube

If you have watched YouTube lately you will learn everything you never wanted to know.

So many podcasts, short and determined to teach and inform us about topics we didn’t even know we didn’t want to know? YouTube validates what we need validated. It provides programs that help us escape, and teach us how to well, do pretty much anything. It provides entertainment in all forms. Want to rewatch Elvis on Ed Sullivan. Just type it in. Want to see an old favorite movie. It’s there. Want to turn a sponge into a glitzy wristwatch, someone will show you how. How to make a chocolate brownie with no sugar, no flour, no taste? There is talk, arguing, theories and the exact time the world will end and how. Just check, it’s all there. 

Despite the abundance of chatter, people seem to talk a whole lot without saying anything. The important issues in the world are never discussed while the most inane and nonsensical repeats at warp speed. And YouTube seems to capture it all in an unstoppable flow of what-the-hell-did-he-say? moments.

For example, and you knew I had a few, eleven government scientists connected to high clearance projects have disappeared since 2022. Have you heard much about it? Nope, me neither. Just that the government was initiating a probe to check it out.

A probe like the Kennedy Warren Commission, laugh laugh, that found, what the hell did they find anyway?

Yet the most foolish and inconsequential crap is all over YouTube, addictive and available 24/7.

Every time Meghan Markle defecates someone is reporting on who she dropped it on. Twenty-five experts on podcasts are debating whether Prince Harry can actually walk and chew gum at the same time. The consensus is he can’t. YouTube pundits have even coined a phrase about his wife. Now anyone who deals with her and gets screwed over, and it sounds like that’s everyone, is now referred to as having been “markled.” Oh, how does Webster’s Dictionary keep up?

Yet, the fact important, normal people are claiming to have evidence we are being visited by little green men gets no coverage at all on the nightly news.

And oh yes, many will say, “Well it’s not true. There’s nothing to discuss cause little green men don’t exist and they aren’t running around eating Reese’s pieces. People who think that are nuts.”

Really? Have you seen some of the people walking around lately? And eating Reese’s Pieces?

I must see ten people a week I swear have absolutely no relation to anything even semi human. And I live in LA, so sure, there’s lots more of them here. Many days I walk around here muttering, “Beam Me Up Scotty.”

So what’s my theory about why we seem to shy away from the really big scary stuff, and focus on silliness and trivia?

I imagine it’s the same reason Israel is now being blamed for William Shatner’s toupee. Crazy is easy, truth is hard.

Should one speak up more? I often heard that as you get older you are less inclined to keep your thoughts silent. With age comes the ability and guts to speak your mind and damn if anyone doesn’t like it. You’ve earned the right to honesty, to speak out, to stop caring about what others think.

But will you?

Can someone who has spent their life in fear of offending others suddenly wake up one morning, look in the mirror and say, “Okay, today I am going to say anything I want about everything and I couldn’t care less whom I hurt?”

I have trouble believing that.

This open mouth theory is simply wishful thinking on the part of those who want to, but probably never will. Being a truth teller takes real guts and there is no glory.

We shy away from truth because as Jack Nicolson said, “you can’t handle the truth.” He was right. It seems so much easier to simply hide beneath a mountain of stupidity and craziness and ignore reality. A reality that is so frightening and out of anyone’s belief system, we refuse to see or speak it into existence.

I believe human beings have limits on how much horrible they can endure. We are only equipped to accept so much bad into our psyche before we overload and begin caring about stupid stuff.

We seek content that somehow creates an illusion that all is right, life is good and bad people don’t really exist. Is it real or AI? Who cares anymore as long as it distracts us from the craziness. If a dog can dance and sing Putting on the Ritz in a tux and top hat diverts my attention for a few moments, I say dance, doggy dance.

YouTube allows us to believe the things we are actually witnessing with our own eyes aren’t really happening. And, if we focus on silliness the evil will disappear.

Podcasts distract us and allow us to accomplish this end. We escape into a nether world where life is as we knew it once. Where it made sense and good was good, and evil was bad and we could discern between the two.

When we all agreed on what was right or wrong and young people actually knew that being stupid, clueless and oblivious are bad things.

Blaming those you dislike for all the wrongs in the world won’t change the fact everything is upside down and sideways. That we live in a seriously unbalanced world, too frightening to even open our eyes and perceive.

So we turn on YouTube and watch, and watch, and scroll and watch some more. The cat and dog videos cooking alone are worth the price of admission. It’s a diversion we desperately need to keep us sane and protected from the insanity surrounding us.

I’d love to chat more but I have to go. Joe Rogan is interviewing a cat chef that can debone a chicken blindfolded.

Baby Boomer Adventureland is Disney’s Scariest Theme Park

Ask any family and they will tell you the cost of a day at Disneyland is equal to a year’s salary in 1953.

The price of admission, food, souvenirs and little two-inch plastic oranges filled with two ounces of juice are a joke.

Despite the outrageous prices the lines are as long as a politician’s list of broken promises, so what’s the reality here?

Food, rent and everything seems to be moving on up; much like the Jeffersons. Yet despite prices, for some uncanny reason Disneyland keeps filling up the park.

I however have discovered a secret way to enjoy rides for free. Yep, free, and all you have to do is get older.

At a certain age, and I can’t say for a fact which, but it was definitely after 70. I received a golden ticket to a special section of Disney’s park. Not merely a senior discount, but a place catering to Baby Boomers and older.

Yep, like Charlie in Wonkaville I was granted access to any ride at Adventureland for free.

I suddenly could explore and enjoy rides with others I’d once only enjoyed at home.

And what a scary and exciting selection of rides. All so familiar and abundant among seniors. Now they could be shared in a park that included screaming every time the roller coaster dipped and swerved. The rides so real you’d swear you’d experienced them numerous times before.

One particular ride the “what the hell is this bruise mountain?” was so memorable. That’s when you awake to some mystery patch of black and blue you definitely didn’t have the night before. This ride could last for weeks until it either disappears or you have to go on another adventure and seek medical attention. No, you can’t always count on Dr. Google for a diagnosis.

The ride I seem to wind up on most is the “Ouch I can’t get out of bed because my back hurts,” roller coaster. It’s a twist and turn adventure as you attempt to find a body position with the least amount of pain.

I’ve frequently ridden, “what the hell did I just trip over?” mountain and the “incredible shrinking grandparent” guided tour.  

Of course, for the more fearless there is the “how did I wind up here on the floor whodunnit?”

For the less brave there are easier rides like the, “does anyone but me hear the phone ringing?” race. Or the “what did I walk into this room to get guessing game?” Don’t even think of missing the “Oops I lost my balance but caught myself in time,” tournament. Or the ever popular “where did I park my car?” ride along. The “what the hell did I do yesterday?” wonder ride is a must.   

People wait in line for many minutes to enjoy the “why can’t I turn my neck?” contest. Or the crowded “how long does it take to get up from a chair?” challenge. Few miss the “where’s all my hair?’ escape room romp.  

I never miss the “how many times can you ride the elevator without getting nauseous?” event.

Everyone takes a crack at the “has anyone seen my keys?” coaster. The “what doctor am I seeing today?” mystery ride, and the always crowded “try to remember their name walkabout.” No one misses the “talk louder I can’t hear you,” play-offs.   

Because Senior Adventureland is geared toward Baby Boomers the food selection is also very specific. Many relish the food at the “It Looks Like Spare Ribs Café,” that specializes in molding mashed potatoes into spare rib and steak shapes.

Some simply rave about their best seller; the faux spicy chili con carne bowl made from peas and carrots.

Instead of peppermints at the front when you leave there are Tums in metallic wrappers.

There is non-dairy ice cream in cones made of saltine crackers and pizza on a gluten free crust with non-acidic tomato sauce and fake cheese.

Every parking space in the lot is handicapped and practically everyone enjoys the use of a free scooter.

There are also booths in every section of the park with doctors offering free medical advice and people handing out early bird coupons for all restaurants in the area.

Every hour on the hour a Maj Jong tournament is featured and visitors may bet on the outcome. For others golf courses with par ten holes are available.

You can also enjoy a restful respite in the “swing in a hammock” getaway, where cat napping is always allowed.

Who says aging isn’t a blast? It’s an amusement park filled with a cornucopia of challenging adventures as one schleps through their day. So many new experiences jump up to greet you like a tsunami in Japan or a tornado in Kansas.

Maybe it’s karma? How many times did we all yell for our parents to hurry as we sat in the car with the motor running? Or wondered why they were always forgetting things?

No one ever told us they were already in their own Disneyland of fun adventures and guess what? Now we’re riding all the rides ourselves. I’m sorry, what was I saying? I know I had a funny last line, but I don’t remember what it was. Oh well, have fun and don’t miss the ten-par golf. I shot my best game there; at least I think I did.

“Can You Spare a Sheet, Please?…” Julia Louis Dreyfus

Who doesn’t love a good conspiracy? The juicy kind that makes the rounds on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook or Substack. Everyone is weighing in with a fury and writing madly about their take on this new mystery.

I can only imagine what would have happened had we had social media during the Kennedy assassination, MLK or Bobby?

Kennedy’s assassination as painful and excruciating as it already was would have been unbearable. It was already fraught with a cornucopia of theories from which to choose. And yet still to this day do we really truly know who ordered that hit? Not really for certain. Will we ever? Probably not.

It’s like the Hoffa disappearance and the yearly discovery of his remains, or a million other explosive stories that make the rounds constantly. Most just foolish imaginings, some with a grain of truth, but too little evidence to be considered proof.

We all remember the pandemic I believe. Hard to forget actually, although it’s difficult to imagine it was already six and a half years ago.

I actually have a conspiracy theory I haven’t really shared with anyone, but I will go out on a limb here and lay it all out.

Yes, we suspect that Fauci indirectly gave the Chinese money to create a deadly virus in a Wuhan lab. I don’t think anyone was really buying that wet market boloney.

So if that was really part of it, and that’s a big if I admit, it seems pretty likely there was one entity that would profit big time by its creation. Dada! Big Pharma of course. I mean in every crime show they always tell everyone to follow the money. Can you line up for a poke please?

Guess it does seem likely they may have not been all that upset about the whole COVID thing.

But, and here’s a big but, there were also others that profited unimaginably by the pandemic.

Amazon for example. Lauren Sanchez and her plastic surgeon are now reaping the benefits of that windfall. There wasn’t even any living without that daily ring of the bell. And let’s face it we never really broke that habit.

Okay, so what’s my new theory that no one has really explored? Drum roll please! There are four. Yes, that’s right four suspects I am currently checking out with gusto. And they are: Essity, Swedish hygiene and health company that produces tissue lines globally. Kimberly-Clark, the American corporation that produces Scott and Cottonelle and Procter & Gamble that makes Charmin, one of the biggest market shares in consumer paper goods. Let us not forget Georgia-Pacific that turns out Angel Soft and Quilted Northern.

Aha! So now maybe you’re thinking this broad isn’t so crazy. About this anyway.

Let’s face facts, may we? How many people had the shot? Sure, tons. But how long will they continue to have it?

See? Big money maker, but temporary.
I suspect not only is everyone continuing to order TP, but they have had a priority shift about the product as well.

It was like a sense of desperation set in. The constant counting of remaining rolls. When to reorder, how many? Searching for new places to store those giant boxes filled with what became the undeniably most coveted necessity ever.

If a family ran out of potato chips sure there would be complaints and grumbling. Or ice cream, or the basic daily food groups, like chocolate. I imagine there may have been a revolt or two even in the calmest of families.

But could everyone survive without chocolate for a day or two until the next Amazon van pulled up? Well, everyone but me of course. Sure, not life or death for anyone.

But toilet paper. Are you kidding me? Unless you have a bidet, which is something many now have seen the wisdom of possessing and invested in.

I dread to imagine the chaos had there been a shortage. Many of us remember the Seinfeld episode when Elaine tried to borrow a sheet from the stall next to her.

I’m not being crass or trying to be as gross and disgusting as Prince Harry about this subject. I’m simply saying these four companies racked up some pretty significant profits in 2020.

Kimberly Clark up over four billion, Georgia Pacific over six billion, Essity up 11%, Proctor and Gamble up over ten percent just in the U.S. alone.
So our follow the money theory, although it also applies to others like Amazon and Netflix, is not looking so crazy now. I mean Shtisel alone made Netflix that year. Although I must admit I believe Netflix innocently profited from the windfall which continues to this day.

I can’t swear for the toilet paper kings over there. And although I’m not accusing them of anything, I must point out the strange coincidence between being homebound and the worldwide run on toilet tissue.

To this day, I am paranoid about running out. I order twice as much as I used to just in case. Am I the only one still in a toilet paper hoarding PTSD mindset. I don’t think so.

No one ever thought or entertained any fears about a shortage, now many do.

So if Greed is good, Gordon Gecko must be busy trying to create another scary virus to amass and expand his fortunes.

I guess as we grow older, we realize some of those old timey adages we heard as children might actually have a great deal of validity.

So yes, the early bird is still catching the worm, all that glitters isn’t gold and an ounce of prevention is for sure worth a pound of cure, even at today’s prices.

And whodda thunk that the boy scouts would be the philosophers of the ages? Yep, “be prepared” wins the learn-it-the-hard-way lesson now.

Oops gotta go, Amazon is outside delivering a box of Godiva.

Okay, Light The Candles

Getting old sucks. Oh sure there are those joyful Pollyanna’s who run about spouting how grateful they are to be getting older, and I would so like to trip them as they leap along on the happiness trail.

No, I am not saying I don’t want to be here and am not appreciative that each New Year’s eve I am still here to celebrate. It’s just that why do we need all these reminders we are getting older? Is the mirror not enough?

There are many who decry birthdays as a day less than exciting. Still, in the past I always regarded that special day as my special day. But is it really? What message is it actually sending? That we are getting older? That we are only special one day a year? That time is passing faster than a collection plate at a Sunday morning church service?

All of the above I’m afraid.

If age is truly a state of mind, why must it be stated constantly? We are forced to come to grips with another passing year on our birthdays, New Years Eve and when our driver’s license is renewed. And of course don’t forget about how many times a day you are asked to fill out forms including your birth date. My question is, “why is it necessary to face the ravages of time so often?”

We all know we are born. Why must we have a day set aside each year to stuff our faces with sugar-laden carbohydrates like birthday cake, get presents we don’t need, see who gives a damn enough to wish us happy birthday on Facebook and listen to people telling you how good you look for your age?

Shouldn’t one day a year suffice? Choose one please. Is it to be New Year’s or a birthday? One is redundant. Why must we be reminded how old we are when we already have enough evidence of the passing of time?

I can look at my children and know how many years have flown. I can see my grandchildren growing before my eyes and wonder where the years went. I can look at my wedding pictures and tear up over all those no longer here. Is it necessary to rub it in for a whole day each year?

I have come to the conclusion that when the devil made his agreement with God to provide the world with flies and mosquitoes (an added bonus) he also begged for birthdays. God, busy with other important things like creating the world, choosing colors for flowers and placing the calorie count into foods was a bit distracted so he paid little attention when the devil said, let’s have a birthday every year.

God being God and all might have assumed the devil was trying to be nice because he threw in the added bonus of mosquitoes; so old Lucifer was able to pull a fast one.

Let’s let them think birthdays are a good thing, he thought. Presents, cakes, making wishes. Old Satan was in seventh heaven knowing people would completely turn his cruel joke around and think it was intended for good.

So what am I saying here? Am I saying we shouldn’t celebrate being alive? Hell NO! But we should celebrate it every day, not once a year when it is clouded with irrelevant side issues like who forgot your special day? And why you can’t fit in the pants you wore on your birthday last year.

We should get up each day filled with gratitude just to be breathing. Where is it written cake can only be eaten with a candle on top to make someone happy? I know I’m happy any day there’s cake involved in the mix.

Why do we need an excuse to give the people we love gifts or shower them with love? This should be a regular occurrence that requires no special time frame.

When I was younger I would fill with gloom two weeks before every birthday. The skies were cloudy and the earth would seem dark and depressing. I’d walk around like Pigpen with a cloud above my head and then the day would arrive.

It was my birthday. I’d awaken awaiting the earth to open and swallow me, or worse. Then the happy birthdays would come, the cake, the presents and well wishes, and somehow by the end of the day the clouds had lifted and the sky was blue once more.

I always attributed this to the fact I’d survived another year. I now believe it’s that I survived another birthday.

When Satan realized he’d gotten away with the birthday thing, he invented magnifying mirrors to destroy the Lord’s merciful response to the aging process… farsightedness. The less clearly we see the ravages of time, the kinder the universe.

Magnifying mirrors destroyed the illusion we are not seeing wrinkles, sagging jowls and all the other fun things that happen to our faces. So the Lord gave us plastic surgery, fillers and Botox to counteract the devil’s cruel little joke.

But the devil didn’t care cause he still had birthdays.

Every second, we get older by another second. Should we light a candle every second? Who decided one year would be the celebratory marker. Why not every two years or ten?

I know it’s a blessing to be getting older, but I’ve made up my mind that waiting for a birthday to celebrate isn’t sufficient. I need presents, cake and feeling special every day. So I’ve created the anytime I want a birthday birthday and treat myself whenever I wish.

I need some special today so I’m buying a cake and blowing out a candle. Hey, it’s a free country.

Not one to enjoy being one of the crowd I shall create my own way to celebrate my own day whenever and however I choose. Besides, after a certain age they don’t call you crazy but eccentric, and I passed that marker a few birthdays ago. It’s also true that the day after your birthday you haven’t aged at all. If you don’t use the magnifying mirror anyway.
I’m calling my grandsons to celebrate with me today. Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me… how does the rest of that song go?

I Miss My Pink Bunny Slippers And My Jimmy Hoffa Report

“Memory is the diary we all carry about with us.” Oscar Wilde

Some fond memories we hold dear aren’t necessarily life changing by any means.

They may be small, quiet and warm and bring a smile to our face at times of need. Memories appear suddenly from a smell, a song or seeing the face of someone on the street.

There are those memories we all seem to share like family times together, picnics, days at the beach, skiing or building a snowman. Perhaps seeing the Beatles or Elvis on Ed Sullivan the first time.

Jumping into a pile of autumn leaves after your father has raked them to the curb, or licking the beater after your mother bakes cookies.

These are the sorts of memories we all hold dear.

And then there are some that are simply reminders of times we spent in a special place. Something inconsequential and meaningless to anyone but you. Yours alone to ponder on and fondly recall.

We all have those. Finishing an unforgettable book and wishing it weren’t over. Tasting a new food that suddenly becomes a necessity instead of an unknown quantity. Giving a special gift to a favorite teacher.

Yes, these are not earth shattering in any way.

Of course there are those recollections we laugh about with others. Not because they were necessarily funny, but because now they seem so foolish.

Remembering walking in a line toward the school basement to hide from the atom bomb.

Now of course we know how foolish an exercise that was.

Not just because an atom bomb couldn’t be stopped by concrete, but because the harm done by the asbestos-covered pipes in the basement were the bigger threat.

Or having a health fear eliminated when we received that Salk polio vaccine-covered sugar cube from the school nurse.

There are also the unpleasant ones that seem to crop up at odd times like a hole in your sock in the middle of a long walk.

I choose to forget those and drown them out with the good memories. Okay, so maybe a piece of chocolate, too. Hey! This is a judge free space.

The point is as we age, we collect more and more of these memories. Our brain becomes a photograph album bursting over with moments that pop up like a digital picture frame.

It’s also true they are often enhanced by having someone with whom to share them.

I really understood that when my brother died suddenly. When a memory popped up, I couldn’t’ call him and say, “do you remember?” Three words that now bring tears to my eyes instead of reaching for the phone. I always think of him when I hear Jimmy Hoffa’s name. He’d call when someone, somewhere allegedly found Hoffa’s body and we’d laugh together. Now I smile and cry.

I know it’s good to recall those memories because they keep my brother alive and that is a good thing, despite the sadness.

Memories shared with siblings may differ from person to person, but at this age far too many of us are experiencing that loss.

But we must move on, right?

Creating new memories with our children and grandchildren they can turn to and recall with fondness is what matters now.

Sure, looking forward instead of backward is the way to see things of course. Yet, there is comfort in embracing past, happy moments that even for a minute or two returns those now gone to us once more. There are also reminiscences shared with friends.

When I was editor of the Beverly Hills Courier newspaper we put the paper to bed every Thursday. Back in prehistoric times before we switched to computers, we literally pasted each story onto boards and then sent them to the printers. It was a daylong process that involved walking around the composing room for hours.

In order to make life easier and silence my bitching feet, I would wear a pair of fuzzy pink slippers. I didn’t mind a bit looking like Ralphie on Christmas morning. Soon my friends in the community began to buy me new and unique ones. My feet thanked them every Thursday.

This memory seems so small and unimportant, but it was part of the bigger one of my wonderful years at the paper. And how lucky I was to have generous friends who gifted me with comfy slippers.

Now friends mention my slippers from time to time because it’s something they also recollect with humor.

Is it a life changing moment? Okay, well maybe to my feet. But the point is it sits in my mind and is there to share with friends or alone when I see a fuzzy pink anything now.

It’s true memories cut both ways. There are happy and sad, life changing and insignificant, positive and negative and everything in between.

But I truly think we underestimate how important these recollections are to our mental well-being and happiness.

Recalling joyful moments make us feel blissful.

Remembering loved ones, even though laced with sadness, brings them back to share a moment again.

Creating new memories with family and friends keeps us alive and vibrant, and creates a wonderful gift to leave for them someday.

For my birthday last year my family took me to Disneyland. My grandson said it was one of the best days ever. I guess, that’s the most important part of our legacy after all.

This year I’m leaning toward Harry Potter at Universal. A game of Quidditch anyone?  

Is The Road to Hell Paved with Unassembled Treadmills?

Is The Road to Hell Paved with Unsassembled Treadmills?

I was feeling guilty about my total lack of exercise and decided to remedy the situation. So I bought a new treadmill. Not a massive one, but a very nice portable one I could lift and move at will.

That was six weeks ago. Since heavy is a relative word, last week I called a neighbor to lift it out of the box. Now it sits waiting to be put together, patiently imparting new guilt for me to absorb.

It only needs a few knobs screwed on and a bit of oil so what is taking me so long?

There is no doubt if I focused on the task for five minutes it would be completed.

Five minutes. The time it takes to wonder if I should cheat on my diet or eat a salad.

Five minutes. The time it takes to make the bed and straighten my bedroom.

Five minutes. The time it takes to try and find that last Hershey Nugget lurking in the cupboard somewhere.

Still it sits.  Like some kind of treadmill monster goading me into movement. Challenging me to do the right thing and take it on. Knowing and gloating over the fact I can’t seem to move.

So what’s the problem I ask myself. You enjoy the treadmill once you get on and begin walking. Watching TV makes the time fly by and when you’re done you feel a real sense of accomplishment.

I choose to focus on my good intentions when buying it. After all it was a move to get healthier and feel good.

Isn’t the road to you know where paved with those good intentions.

Yes, I don’t understand that quote either.

Are they saying the road to hell is for people who intend to do good things, but never get around to fulfilling them?

Or is it a warning that if you intend to do something and neglect it, you’re going to hell.

I have a hard time believing that’s the case.

I mean if I go to hell for failing to put the treadmill together will I find myself sitting next to Hitler?

I can’t imagine it will make much sense when he asks why I’m there and I say I procrastinated when I should have put together my treadmill. But I had good intentions.

Hard to make sense of why both of us are at the devil’s table.

So let’s focus on this treadmill guilt thing.

I bought it. I had it delivered from Amazon. I tried in vain to open the box and place it on the floor. No way I could lift it. So am I to be punished for my weakness? I can hardly lift my own purse anymore let alone a treadmill.

Would I like to just hop on over there and screw on those knobs? Sure. Do you see me moving right now? Nope, but in fairness I am writing this blog so I can’t really do two things at once.

I can see it peeking out left of my laptop. I know it’s there. It’s too big to simply ignore. Much like the thingy I bought from Amazon that attaches to your phone or remote and responds to your call. That is still waiting for its batteries to be inserted.

Uh oh. Do you think the Devil is preparing a place setting because I just confessed to that one?

Or will the treadmill be my undoing?

If I said I’d finish putting it together as soon as I write this blog, I’d be lying. There is no way I’m going to give in to my guilt. After all it isn’t hurting anyone just sitting there on the floor quietly minding its own business. At least I bought it. Right? So I’m certain eventually it will be used.

I may have a bit of a problem with the cord that is actually only a foot or so long. Who thought that was practical?

So why am I castigating myself for procrastinating? Is that a mortal sin or simply a human flaw? I don’t think the two are rated equally.

We all have our moments when something sounds good. We buy into it and run with it to the logical conclusion. Yet, is it a sin if the conclusion takes a bit longer?

At this age I find myself saying, “I’ll finish this tomorrow” a great deal.

This is completely ironic since when I was young I moved quickly, and felt there was an entire lifetime to accomplish tasks.

Now when time is so limited I seem to be incredibly cavalier with it.

It doesn’t make sense of course, even to me. Yet I don’t feel the urgency to achieve quickly as I did once.

I don’t believe it’s because we get lazy as we age. Perhaps it’s that we become more selective about how we spend our time.

Is it so bad to spend an extra five minutes finishing a crossword puzzle instead of emptying the dishwasher? To watch a podcast on YouTube before I fold the laundry?

Should I rush out of the house to the drugstore instead of finishing that great documentary on Netflix?

Is it truly procrastination or a new way of looking at how we spend our moments? All things will get done in time, but does the schedule have to be so inflexible now?

The treadmill will be finished and I will hop on eventually. The exercise will commence and will hopefully be beneficial. Yet is there truly harm in deciding what, how and when we wish to proceed when time seems so much more valuable?

Will the road to hell loom before us for deciding to read a book instead of weeding the garden?

I think not. So if the devil is listening, don’t expect me for lunch. I’m busy baking popovers.

Old Movies Just Don’t Play Anymore. Or Do They?

Old Movies Don’t Play Anymore

Among all the enormous disparities in the world today between the Baby Boomer generation and this new configuration of alphabets, the differences are from here to Mars.

Probably further since we actually got to Mars, at least Rover did.

New generations seem totally apathetic to anything that happened beyond ten years ago. Nostalgia is a word with which they have cultivated no relationship, nor do they care to.

To young people the eighties are considered ancient times and there is no interest in anything that preceded boy bands.

I am saddened by the fact that young people today show such a lack of interest in classic movies.  I suppose it was inevitable looking at mid-20th-century cinema through a 21st-century lens.

When I was a kid there was a man in Detroit who had a show on each afternoon called Bill Kennedy at the Movies.

Most of the movies were made from the time talkies came in to the late fifties. These were mostly black and white and featured stars like Errol Flynn, Tyrone Power, Bette Davis, James Cagney,  Jimmy Stewart, Joan Crawford and the big stars of that era.

Despite the fact I was very young I adored these movies. And movie stars. Actors were managed then and we knew nothing about their personal lives until much later in the sixties. That contributed greatly to the glamour and mystery of Hollywood. And unlike today, ignorance was bliss when stars said little.

The sight of Errol Flynn swinging on a tree rope to a branch, extending his hand and saying, “Welcome to Sherwood,” was a line I couldn’t get enough of.

Because the movie was made eight years before I was born meant nothing to me. I didn’t see it as outdated or archaic, I just saw a great movie.

The James Cagney gangster flicks, John Wayne cowboy movies, screwball comedies, Charlie Chaplin, the Marx Brothers, anything with Cary Grant, remain loved by so many.

Although movies remain a showcase of human behavior, it is truly a fact they are dated.

Yet although times and scenery may change people don’t. The love, crime and family stories endure.

They are a portrait of what the U.S.A. was like before television, freeways and malls.

A window into small town innocence in America featuring Mickey Rooney, Judy Garland, or Jane Powell. Neighborhoods where one needn’t lock their front door and Sunday picnics in the park were the best way a family could spend a day.

One movie, The Male Animal with Henry Fonda showed college life in America at a Midwest university where football games and bonfires were all part of the experience. Based totally on U of M or Ohio State is my guess.

What is amazing to me is watching the way cities like New York have changed.

If you watch Barefoot in the Park or Breakfast at Tiffany’s you get a picture of how wonderful New York was in her heyday. And a bit of sadness as well.

The quiet and peaceful vibe of rural, urban and family life literally jumps through the screen and reminds us of the uncluttered and slow moving pace of our lives then.

Yet today, kids are bored by these movies. A good story doesn’t seem to be enough to capture the attention of young people who have been raised with IMAX and AI.

They have little interest in historical classics like Gone With The Wind, despite its incredible story and acting.

I recently asked my grandsons to watch The Producers with me. The original and in my opinion best one, with Dick Shawn, Zero Mostel and Gene Wilder. They were quite skeptical about my rave reviews, but they went along for the ride. I also suspect it’s because my daughter ensured them it was indeed one of the funniest films ever.

When my children were young I exposed them to great comedy, like The Producers, It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World and just really funny movies. I like to believe it’s why they have great senses of humor today.

So yes, my grandchildren enjoyed the Zero and Gene version very much. Despite its dated demeanor they laughed and got every joke. Seriously, Springtime for Hitler? Genius never fades.

A great motion picture moves at its own pace. Kids today live in a fast-paced world.

There are video games, technology, Virtual Reality and space travel. You Tube has changed the watch interval considerably from two hours to seeing ten shows in that time.

I personally find it a bit disheartening that so few young people today appreciate how glorious it is to simply lose oneself in Casablanca, The Godfather, Citizen Kane or It’s A Wonderful Life.

The list of great movies is endless and I devour them all.

But the world moves at lightning speed and kids aren’t about to stop and watch Mr. Smith Goes to Washington when they’re in the middle of a game on their Virtual Reality headset.

As a kid we watched old movies at home, or went to a neighborhood theatre in Detroit called The Mercury that featured murals of the cosmos on the walls that glowed in the dark. And we loved every minute. Movies were a great way to escape into other worlds, interesting places and intriguing stories.

I guess when the world sped up the need for old movies slowed down. Yet historic preservation of old movies also preserves a view into the past. How the world changed and yet in many ways has stayed the same. Watching Spartacus lead a revolt is a whole lot better than reading about it in a history book.

But you must go with the flow. So I watch my old movies and You Tube. I admit to still feeling a tinge of sadness when watching an old movie and catch a glimpse of the Brooklyn Dodgers playing in Dodger Stadium in Brooklyn. Those were the good old days with an emphasis on good! But as long as we can still visit classic Hollywood on the screen, these memories will remain.  

Growing a Great Life in the Golden Years

The golden years are a conundrum. It seems the irony  is palpable.

Finally, at a point in life when you have all the time in the world to do as you wish, go where you please and live as you choose, you have far less inclination to do any of it.

The older one becomes, the lower their standards and expectations become.

When someone asks how I am, I have a pat answer, “I woke up on the right side of the grass this morning, so it’s a glorious day.”

Now there was a time this answer would not have been my response to that question.

This isn’t a value judgement in any way, but when young we maintain certain beliefs about how we should live. When these plans don’t always come to fruition, we are disappointed. We become determined to rectify that situation and make expectation become reality.

As we live our life consumed with a busy schedule filled with dreams to pursue, children to raise or businesses to build, we find settling unacceptable.   

Now I’m not saying that young people complain. That is not the case at all. I’m merely pointing out that living when one is expectant and busy is a far different reality from life in the golden years.

I have also noticed that a great deal of what one can anticipate from life is determined genetically.

Yes, I know that countless authorities have spoken and continue to speak about how we can control how we age. I agree to a degree that is very true.

Eating healthy, exercise and attitude is of course a vital component in the process.

Yet, in some ways many find aging well is dependent on other factors, some of which are not under our control.

Certain health factors have a genetic component and although there are new meds and cures that didn’t previously exist there is no cure for everything.

So, is it true many seniors are beginning to shun away from the constant tumult they felt was mandatory for a productive life?

Is it okay in lieu of attending a luncheon sitting with women you barely know, to stay home and invent a recipe you’ve been contemplating for ages?

Or not driving at night to the theatre to see a play when you have ten streaming channels filled with movies, documentaries and old sitcoms to entertain you?

People are constantly telling me after getting up, getting dressed, putting on make-up and driving miles to go somewhere, they need a day of recuperation.

I truly envy my friends that can still swat a pickleball, run out to lunch or work and feel no need to slow down.

Are they the majority or a small minority? No idea.

Perhaps perfection exists in individuality.  

As long as one is able to move about freely, there is no reason not to enjoy freedom.

Many seniors still travel a great deal and cruises are a great compromise.

Although I have a friend that cruises and claims some of these new ships are the size of a small city. Despite the menus overflowing with calories, he always loses weight from all the walking.

A good thing I suppose, but it can also be exhausting.

Is running all over actually stress inducing and tiring for many?

I believe it can be. Many enjoy being home, cooking, gardening, watching movies, engaging in a hobby they’ve never previously had the time for.

So many women enjoy playing cards or maj jong. Many men golf, hike and still bowl.

Is the fact many of the things we enjoy are home based a negative? Does cutting ourselves off more actually cut into our life span?

The world seriously had an aha moment when 2020 brought a whole new way of living. COVID removed our ability to wander about freely. After a time families formed “pods” visiting among themselves, but being forced into hibernation certainly was a game changer.

One of the things I and many others discovered was that staying at home wasn’t as horrible as we’d anticipated.

Instead of becoming a prison- like existence, it was almost liberating.

People began rediscovering many of the hobbies, interests, and fun activities they’d long ago forgone.

So many rediscovered or learned to cook. Streaming was a “thing” and everyone chatted about the latest “hot” shows on Netflix or other streamers.

Jigsaw puzzles arrived regularly from Amazon and Face Time and Zoom opened new worlds of engagement.

Once people began venturing out, many decided spending more time at home was a new option worth exploring.

Reading, painting and many other activities had morphed into enjoyable ways of spending a day. One’s own company was now welcome and acceptable. Yes, during COVID at times there was a sense of forced loneliness, but new options now created avenues for self-exploration and fulfillment.

So, which is a healthier lifestyle, in or out?

I’m guessing it’s up to the individual what they feel comfortable with and can handle.

It also may come down to what we’ve always been taught, moderation is the key to everything. A bit of this and a tad of that creates variety and balance.

Whatever one decides to do, it’s important we remain grateful for having time as we age. If at the end of a day you’ve enjoyed the journey through it, it sounds all good to me. P.S. check out the movie, The Penguin Lessons on Netflix. I think it’s an extremely enjoyable way to spend some of that time.

Genius or Madness? Must There be Both?

I recently pondered that age-old question how far is the distance between genius and madness?

From where I’m sitting not so very far.

It seems those whom have been gifted with great talent are also cursed with torment and a cornucopia of demons.

I may be wrong, as it has been known to happen for sure. Yet when we look at some of the great artists, they seem to have carried a great deal of baggage on their trip through life.

I will focus on music and begin with Michael Jackson. Now of course there are those who may argue it was his upbringing and not his genius that caused his behavior and demons.

I imagine it was both. Yet watching him perform there is a certain tension one feels that he may explode from holding all that talent in and BOOM!

It’s as though if he sings one more chorus and does one more moonwalk he will literally explode.

His body seems unable to contain whats inside him.

No one who has seen him perform, either live or on screen can argue this is a man with an overabundance of talent. A gift that exceeds most by so far, it’s impossible to ignore.

It’s also quite obvious his demons are as great as his talent. His behavior cried out he was hiding pain. Yet, I imagine he was happy in his way.

Any man that possesses two battling spirits must be confused. The Michael that created and felt the excitement of performing and executing his art. Then there was the other Michael. Unsure of how to contain such a vast amount of talent. It must have been difficult to be him. I am not going to use this platform to judge him or his actions. I am far from convinced he was as kind or caring a person as he seemed.

In fact, I am sure he could be relentless and unscrupulous to a frightening degree. I’m just assuming a dark side to his character, but if I’m wrong, I apologize. Michael Jackson was not a man who felt or acted in small ways. It was all over the top and beyond.  

Did we enjoy his music? Yes. Did we enjoy watching him perform? Yes, as well. Do any of us really believe he had a handle on his demons? Of course not. Yet it didn’t seem to stop us from being amazed by his talent. We accepted his genius was simply too much for him to control. Watching him perform one ran the gamut of emotions from excitement to awe and ultimately confusion. Confused his extraordinary gifts also seemed to be his greatest curse.

If we’re talking about those who are blessed with enormous talent one must never forget Bob Fosse. Another prime example of a man with extraordinary abilities to transfix, excite and move us, yet unable to contain his demons.

Yes, there is a pattern emerging here and it’s a scary one.

I was a great fan of Fosse since the golden age of MGM musicals. They were catnip to me and I reveled in watching Howard Keel sing, and Ann Miller and Fosse dance. There were so many great talents displayed there, but even at a young age I couldn’t take my eyes off Fosse. Something about the way he leaped higher, moved more stealthily and had that IT factor was never lost on me. He seemed to fly higher through the air, smile wider, engage more; he was simply Fosse.

He went on to increase his gifts with the advent of directing in addition to choreography. Broadway became a perfect vehicle to display his genius. Fans appreciated every moment spent watching Damn Yankees, Sweet Charity or Pajama Game.

Cinema welcomed him to create an unforgettable adaptation of Cabaret and his public ignored the drugs, infidelity and self- destructive behavior he exhibited.

But that’s what we do with our idols. We accept somehow there’s a price to pay for such gifts that rise so far above us mere mortals, we’ve stopped questioning why.

As someone who actually watched up close and personal as Robin Williams performed onstage, I can tell you I believe that man’s brain did not work like other people’s.

Now of course we all know, and I freely admit that yes, comics are a bit, shall we say, off, to start with. But true comedy genius reaches another level. Robin achieved that level. Watching any great comic is a double sensory experience. Our eyes and ears are working together to bring us the message that will click in our brains and spark our funny bone.

Robin added another intensity to our sight. One could almost see his mind working as hilarity spewed from his mouth. Constantly and consistently nonstop.

It was as if you’d boarded a train going one hundred miles an hour and had no desire to jump off.

Robin was rare. I can tell you there are many brilliant and hilarious comedians, many I have been privileged to know and work with, but Robin was unique. His brain took off like a rocket ship and the stage was his launching pad.

There are many other great talents I could name, and many although incredibly talented owe much of their pain to drugs.

I imagine some used drugs or alcohol to soothe the pain of genius.

So many gifted people the likes of Van Gogh, Beethoven, Orwell, Frida Kahlo, Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison, Hemingway and countless other musicians, writers, poets and artists created and suffered simultaneously. And no list of gifted performers would ever be complete without the incredible Sammy Davis Jr. He made it all look so damn easy. The man oozed talent.

Despite the tortured aspects of their personalities, they used their gifts. I cannot say whether their pain caused them to be greater or less.

If one is honest there seems to be a great many people besides artists battling demons. I only know when one looks at the geniuses we admire, they seem to have greatly suffered.

I for one am grateful they fought to excel and create as we are the benefactors of their talents. Especially now, the world is a more musical, beautiful and uplifting place because they did.

“We’re All Mad Here.” “Curiouser and Curiouser Indeed!”

“We’re All Mad Here.” “Curiouser and Curiouser Indeed!”

“It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”  Alice, realizing how her perspective has changed.

I have always been obsessed with Alice in Wonderland. When I was a kid, I loved it for the wonderful and cooky characters. The Cheshire Cat, the Caterpillar with his vowels, Tweedledee and Tweedledum, The Queen of Hearts and of course the inimitable Mad Hatter. I will admit the white rabbit held a special place in my heart as he rushed about going nowhere.

I have often related to that effort so many times in my life.

The tea party, the mushrooms and all the other craziness Alice endured on her journey seemed like a fun story in a crazy place.

Of course as I grew older, I realized the metaphor for the journey into adulthood, but I chose to ignore that truth. I prefer to think of wonderland as a place filled with funny creatures, tea cakes and hats with price tags hanging off of them. Now that I think of it, probably where late comedienne Minnie Pearl got the idea.

The tag’s price of 10 shillings and sixpence supposedly represents individuality and embracing your own uniqueness.  

The reality is that Alice’s journey is all of us seeking to achieve the goal of growth and wisdom as we wander through wonderland. Or as it’s put so succinctly in the book by the Cheshire Cat, “We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”

Our lives are filled with crazy creatures and cake and tea as we struggle through the lessons thrust upon us by some force in charge of our destiny.

So why is Alice such a universally loved and cherished part of our childhoods and our culture.

Why does it seem to endure through all the technology, AI and so-called movement forward in human innovation?

Despite the arc of a lifetime of risks, rewards and hard-fought lessons, there is something so positive about the fall into that land of craziness and adventure that never gets old. Never changes and remains filled with lessons to which we can return and feel welcome.

It’s as though life’s tough moments seem less so in Wonderland. Just sitting around a table filled with tea cakes and beautiful china.

One of my favorite lines, among many gleaned from Alice was “It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”

Brilliant in its brevity and substantial in its genius.

Just two lines that sum up one of the great questions of human existence.

Would we change anything if we could go backward in time?

Tempting as it might be to believe we could change the past, undo mistakes or redo our life’s arc, it would be a useless effort.

This miracle couldn’t occur unless we could go back in time knowing what we do now. Being the person we became and feeling as we do now about our existence.

So what would stop us from change despite being a different person then?

I believe it would be fear.

The temptation of redoing our existence would be heavily colored by the inherent fear we’d throw off the balance. Innocently change something so significant we’d lose what we love.

A road not taken, a door not entered, a promise not kept.

Even the most inconsequential moments may not prove to be so small after all.

A moment too late to meet a soul mate, a career opportunity overlooked and unanswered, a special bond with a mentor that led to a destiny fulfilled.

Are there really any small moments, at least that we can determine?

So when Alice says she is a different person, of course she would be making decisions based on the old Alice, ignorant of who she ultimately became.

Before, the mushrooms, before the courtroom and before the Queen of Hearts. She was Alice. Young, naïve and lacking in the wisdom to make the choices, seek the counsel and embrace the people that would mold her existence.

Eating the mushrooms, a lesson in moderation and judgement. Too much mushroom, too tall to get through the door. Too little doesn’t work either. Is the lesson here there is always a perfect amount in the end? Moderation is the key to moving through the door? Or do mushrooms simply signify the physical and psychological agony of puberty often leading to helplessness.

So, is there a perfect amount?  Wouldn’t it vary from person to person? Aren’t the mushrooms also a lesson in individuality? Choosing what’s good for you. What will work best within the parameters of your own life, independent of others? An inch here or there and it all still works.

There are so many metaphors for life one never thinks about while simply embracing Alice’s journey.

The Rabbit Hole is a leap into the unknown. Brave, unaware and relying on our subconscious. Chasing the white rabbit is pure trust and innocence in the future that lies beyond.

The Caterpillar serves as a catalyst for Alice’s growth and metamorphosis. Maturing and navigating adulthood.

Lest we forget the Queen of Hearts. She signifies tyranny. “Off with their heads!” is symbolic of unchecked power.

The Cheshire Cat one of my favorites, is deception personified. The partially disappearing body and creepy smile, represents deceit and a highly subjective universe. The hidden garden references the Garden of Eden. The search for it represents unreachable splendor, the loss of innocence, and aspiration.

The confusion of Tweedledee and Tweedledum. Can there be absolutes or is everything actually a bit imperfect or even the same?

Alice is clear while confusing. Answers that raise more questions and filled with life lessons and challenges disguised as a childhood dream.

Isn’t Alice’s journey representative of ours as we traverse this place where “we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.” Those words seem truer to me each day. Curiouser and curiouser.

Perhaps Lewis Carroll knew something we didn’t and it’s all a dream after all. In the meantime, tea and cakes can make the journey more pleasant. And couldn’t celebrating an unbirthday be a perfect way to spend an ordinary day? More tea please, Mad Hatter.   

Fact: Old Ladies Solve Murders

Agatha Christie was right, old ladies make great detectives. Spies not so much with all the shooting and chasing. But great detectives and not for the reason one might think. AI may be threatening to take over the world. And I will admit I’ve seen some campaign commercials here in LA lately that absolutely speak to the brilliance and benefit of AI. Yet, sometimes things can’t be duplicated, even by great tech.

So how do old people beat AI? Oh sure there is wisdom that accompanies age, but it’s more. The skills it takes to be a detective are not the only advantage aging brings. It is the hard and extremely cold fact that old ladies are invisible. They can travel about unnoticed as they check out the clues quietly summing up the scene.

Now of course some are better than others.

However, there is a common denominator as they all live in small towns or villages, if you’re in England.

Yes, New York would be hard to navigate, although Jessica Fletcher did venture out of Cabot Cove occasionally.

However, the cases always involved someone in close proximity to her. A relative or neighbor.

Even Miss Marple couldn’t know everyone in New York. Nor I imagine would she want to. But that’s a blog for another day.

So what is it about older ladies, especially widows that seem to hone their investigative skills?

First and foremost, I imagine it’s because they are quiet. They listen and pay attention to details. So when a murderer is spouting a piece of evidence that directly links them to the crime, they actually hear and absorb that knowledge.

Unlike younger people that are so engrossed in social media they hear nothing. Save of course the blare of loud music or pings that signify a text has just come into their phone.

Older women also have years of watching people speak. They have developed a sixth sense about those who are lying, skirting the truth and avoiding the question.

Good information if you’re looking for a murderer.

They are also smart and know the questions to ask. For example. Someone in her village has come to enjoy a cup of tea.
Knitting needles come out, but this is merely a ruse because Miss Marple already has a plan. She has a list of questions she will inconspicuously ask to discern if the person is the murderer.

Yes, it’s just that easy apparently, to figure it all out. Sadly, the police are usually the last to know.

So she has poured the tea, offered the biscuits. And no, I have no idea why the British call cookies biscuits, another one of their supposedly charming quirks I imagine. Despite how heinous the killing, there is always time for tea.

The killer couldn’t be more at ease. Unsuspecting while sipping and munching in a haze of comfort around who they believe is someone totally harmless.

So as with anyone in that position, the guard is let down and a killer tends to slip up and let out a potential clue.

Aha! Marple attacks ever so cleverly. Knit one, purl two, knit one. “So, how are your hydrangeas doing?”

“Oh thank you for asking. They are much better now that you told me to use that special mix. They seem to be thriving. How did you figure that out?”

“Just something my mother used to do to help her garden when it seemed tired. Did you get the mulch at the florist I sent you to? He seems to have just the right mix to make the formula work?”

“Yes, I went there as you suggested.”

Marple is no fool and this was nothing about mulch of course. She is well aware the florist is closed for the month and on vacation with his family at the shore. Aha! She has uncovered a lie. So much for that alibi.

Now Marple must unearth the reason for this deception. Although she is already highly suspicious.

She backs off a tad knowing that after a lie, the killer will be a bit on guard.

“Did you hear the schoolmaster has accepted the job in Cornwall?”  She inquires ever so innocently.

“Yes, what a loss. I had him in first form when I was eleven. Such a wonderful man. A great loss for the entire village.”

Excellent, the killer is back at ease.

Marple strikes again.

“I should wonder they’ll have trouble finding a replacement. After all, one of those who would be considered was the victim in that dreadful murder.”

Marple looks up from under her specs and studies the killer’s reaction.

The killer flinches noticeably. She catches herself quickly, but not fast enough for Marple to have learned all she needs to know. She has determined the person she is with is guilty.

After a few other pointed questions Marple has what she needs to offer that murderer up on a bone china biscuit plate.

And she does so with humility and relish. Although inside of course she is aware she is much smarter than the authorities and can run circles around their skills any day of the week.

Yet she is nothing if not generous and humble. She wants the police to praise her skills and appreciate her help.

And although they consider her an old busy body, they are forced to admit, she’s got the goods.

The method and the ending never vary. Oh the murderer and victim may change, but Marple’s methods remain the same. Tea, biscuits, knitting needles and a few pointed questions then Bob’s your uncle.

Another case solved in one or two hours.

Only Agatha Christie could create a Miss Marple, because she was her in every way. A woman who understood the value of paying attention to details.

I suppose that’s why to this day people still love, read and reread her novels, watch her movies and refer to her as the undisputed Queen of Mystery.

Christie is a master of understatement and suspense. Unequaled in her ability to craft a convoluted mystery in a clever and interesting manner.

Guessing along and figuring out the killer is a source of pride for any mystery lover, and more reassurance the greats always do it best.

Brilliant? yes. An unassuming woman? Indeed.

Still the greatest of all time? You bet, and AI can put that in their pipe and smoke it. Knitting needles and all.

Name Five Things

At a certain age it becomes apparent you’d do many things differently and sadly, even more apparent you won’t get the opportunity.

With aging comes wisdom, at least that’s the plan. However, I’ve often wondered, what’s the point of acquiring wisdom when you are quickly becoming too old to put it to good use? Is it not a fact with most people aging moves faster than knowledge?

How can we use this wisdom for good?

Despite the fact you’d love to impart that insight to your children it becomes obvious they choose to acquire their own. At times they will allow you to share your perceptions with them, but most often they select their own paths to enlightenment. One can only stand by and wait to serve.

Of course, as most of us know although painful, we learn from our own mistakes far more readily than from watching those of others. It seems hard won lessons are the ones that have the most impact on our lives.

It is in this spirit I will share a lesson I learned far too late in life.

I am beginning to believe one of the greatest gifts one can be blessed with is not solely a metabolism that allows you to eat whatever you wish and not gain weight. Yes, this is great, but also the ability to learn early in life how inconsequential things should be ignored and cast aside works too.

If you doubt the veracity of what I say, think back on your life and name five things, just five that you agonized over but failed to made a difference in your destiny in any significant way.

I can’t even bear to think about how much of my life has been wasted thinking about inconsequential problems that had no impact on my destiny.

I know you are having trouble finding five is hard because most of the things we worry about disappear or resolve themselves. Like a leaf that blows off a tree and wafts through the air unnoticed and is soon forgotten.

A bad haircut that’s one. I’ve had so many I can’t even count them, yet I’m certain I agonized and worried until my hair seemed normal once again.

How silly. Hair grows back and that’s a fact. Giving it a thought is truly a waste of time and yet we do. I suppose one could argue it’s because a good hair day can enhance your self-esteem, make you feel better as you move through a day and propel you to make better decisions. But can it? Who knows? Yet to stress over a few hairs seems frivolous now.

Or, did I bid enough on that house, should I have gotten the black car, maybe we could have afforded to take that cruise, is my term paper long enough?

These are examples of something truly low on the importance scale.

Here’s one that caused me many sleepless nights; career choices.

I was always so bad at decisions I thought would impact my life sending me down a dark hole of despair and regret.

I chose, and when they turned out to be less than I’d hoped for I was wracked with self-contempt.  Certain I’d ruined my life for good. Yes, Drama Queen is in my resume.

Yet with age and wisdom I came to see that in the end I wasn’t the best judge of what had worked or not worked in my life. In many ways it didn’t matter because I wound up in the same place. In other words, my own divergent paths converged to take me where I needed to go.

Any time spent berating myself was a waste because the fates always lead you back. All twists and turns meet at one location; the road you are destined to follow.

I have heard the phrase, “it’s all meant to be,” so many times it’s burned into my brain.

Yet strangely enough I never paid attention until only a few years ago.

I gave it lip service, but was always filled with doubt and remorse.

Would my life have been so much easier had I heeded my own words and just let destiny take its course?

I imagine it would, and I’d have spared myself so much drama and self-recrimination. Although, even now I’m tempted to yell at myself for all those foolish moments spent chastising myself. An unproductive exercise leading to squandering the wisdom I now embrace.

Why I couldn’t simply let it all go I have no idea. Nor do I fully understand why I felt I had so much control over my life when clearly, I didn’t.

Do we all have to believe it’s only us making the choices, the mistakes, the plan that guides us forward?

Now of course I know that isn’t the case.

All the brick walls I hit my head against were put there not to give me a headache, but to encourage another path entirely. And did I spend way too much time head banging instead of simply looking around for another road? A big resounding yes to that.

Some bang, some don’t. I did.

My daughter strangely enough was the one that pointed out this character flaw. Early on she realized walls are there for good reason and not for headaches.

I’d like to think it was from watching me doing the wrong things she learned to do the right ones.

She made me understand if something doesn’t work it wasn’t meant to, and something better will come?

I do take some credit for serving as a bad example, at least that’s how I rationalize things.

Some always seem to make good choices while others like myself not so much. Like the nazi in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, who drank from the wrong grail cup. Gotta love that scene.

I do believe those who take more risks and have more options learn control is an illusionary meal we feed ourselves to make sense of it all.

We worry too much despite the advice of Alfred E. Newman the sage of Mad Magazine and ignore our calming voice screaming to be heard.

I myself spend way too much time agonizing over uncontrollable things. Despite knowing many times things turn out better than we’d even imagined.

Opting for a new untraveled road can be how we rise above the mundane to a higher level. If we remain Earthbound we may never soar.

The five things don’t matter; they didn’t alter our lives because what transformed us probably wasn’t our choice anyway.  

So, I choose to choose and forget the silly things that mean nothing in the end.

Letting go rises one higher. Bucket list time; name five things you’ve always wanted to do, then do them.

No matter what age, life’s currents can carry you to a remarkable destination. Best of all you never know what awaits you when you finally land on that uncharted isle. I’m betting nine times out of ten it’s an exciting and unexpected adventure.

Peace in Purpose Meets Peace Love and Rock and Roll

“Humans need something to do, someone to love and something to hope for…” recipe for happiness.

I had the most amazing dream the other night. I dreamed everyone was nice to one another. People were having conversations without an anger. I saw smiling and waves as I walked the streets and a part of me said, this is a dream, I’m sure of it.

Then I remembered that in another time and place it was real. There was talk and no yelling. Peace love and rock and roll. Flowers and rainbows. Conversation and no arguing, disagreements in a pleasant manner and people being okay with someone that disagreed with them.

Upon awakening I realized it hadn’t been so much a dream as a memory.

A time when life was quiet and comfortable. I needed to understand why.

So I thought long and hard about what might have happened to change people.

To turn friend against friend, family against family and humans into uncompromising and angry beings.

It took some time, but not all that much once I realized a universal truth.

Happy people don’t lash out.

Being fulfilled creates a peaceful spirit and feeling safe allows for acceptance.

Yet there is so much anger, volatility, resentment and negativity it has literally drown out all the good emotions.

I know Baby Boomers are often accused of sugar coating the past. The back-in-my-day rhetoric is a source of amusement for those unable to relate.

I understand that if one has never experienced an emotion or experience it’s impossible to comprehend.

So I can’t help but have sympathy for generations that can’t remember a time when kindness was the law of the land. When respect for yourself and others ruled the day, and good works and personal achievement were noble goals.

What can be done to return the human race to its former state as human beings?

I’ve given this a great deal of thought. Not because I was elected to office to do so, but because I want to leave my grandchildren a better world.

Politicians are the last people on earth to want to make the world better. Watch their campaign ads and it’s obvious hatred is good for business and they lean into it with all their might.

Politics has become a terminal illness for which there is no cure. The need to blame and vilify has been raised to an art form and people are the victims of this sick and corrupt mentality.

If anyone is offended by my feelings toward politicians, good.

But they are only one part of the problem. There are other reasons for this sudden inability to show anyone grace any longer.

Sadly I must resort to a trite and over simplified cliché, “hurt people hurt people.”

Yes I know, but actually let’s face it, they are overused for a reason, they fit.

Back in prehistoric times when I was growing up, there was a certain vibe in the air. Not loud, but quiet and hovering, like a fluffy white cloud on a perfect summer day.

It was that feeling of acceptance. A certain knowledge that allowed for contentment.

The formula for happiness has never changed. It’s simple and despite the changing times remains a constant.

Humans need something to do, someone to love and something to hope for.

There is peace in purpose. Knowing what is expected of us and others creates a timeline to follow and a path to walk. Life isn’t as fraught with danger when we simply have to put one foot in front of the other and move forward. Belief in the future, despite our inability to actually foresee destiny, dispels uncertainty.

Do our plans always turn out as we envision? Of course not, but usually better things than we’ve planned crop up in their stead. Thus the whole go-with-the-flow mentality is positive and healing.

People with a purpose aren’t bored or unsettled. Okay, to be trite once more, idle hands are the devil’s workshop.

Baby Boomers had a sense of destiny. We grew up in times when hostilities had ended and new life was beginning. Professions and businesses were in their infancy and everyone had a role to play in this new vision for America.

The war had changed everyone and it was now a chance to rebuild the world through hard work and big dreams.

Sure I sound pollyannaish. I get that, but it was calm and safe. There wasn’t constant fear or unrest, but a sameness about each day that was comforting and tranquil. The unrest came later.

There was love and respect for our parents, teachers and one another.  We knew right from wrong and understood the meaning of accountability for straying.

I get that it may sound like we were Stepford children, but it was the opposite. Our teachers gave us the facts we needed to think for ourselves and make our own decisions. I imagine that’s what lead to the peace movement in the sixties.

Baby Boomers had all the ingredients necessary to be happy. Purpose, love and hope for a future we could build.

Still, nothing is perfect. There were glitches along the way for sure.  We were in many ways pampered, spoiled and our parents wanted us to have great lives. Maybe at times there was an over-abundance of all this love. It did however give us a sense of social compassion for those who needed more than what we were so lucky to have had.

The sixties were turbulent times for our generation. War, civil rights, and assassination. As Bob Dylan wrote, The Times They Are A-Changin’.

We felt unsettled, uncertain and unhappy. Too many succumbed, many overcame.  We ultimately plowed through the winds of change with new strength and respect for what we could achieve.

So what went wrong with us and when?

It’s obvious when you hear new generations crying out against work, confused about love, because they are lacking it for themselves, and deriding any hope for the future, unhappiness is inevitable.

All the ingredients necessary to forge a contented human have been cast out in favor of anger and hatred.

Replacing love and purpose with rage and futility is not a formula for a positive outcome.

So what can be done to cure this illness of anger permeating our society?

Could it be so simple as a return to the basics, love purpose and hope? I say yes.

Children must be taught there is nobility in work, there is love in each of us and there is a future if we build it together. It’s the easiest math I’ve ever done. Three simple parts added to create a happy and healthy whole.

Good and evil are movable concepts. They spread and encompass areas dropping specks of emotions on all nearby. No one can deny a bad aura can cover up a good one in no time. Simplistic? Perhaps, or maybe not.

What must we do to begin anew? It’s up to those who remember to pass along those good vibrations to anyone who will listen. And most importantly actually live that peace, love and rock and roll. Then rinse and repeat until we wash away the bad.

Can Wishing Really Make It So?

What if a genie jumped in front of you on the way to the kitchen and offered you one wish?

I think it’s a sure bet you’d stop your search for something chocolate to eat and pay attention.

But here’s the thing, what would you wish for if you only had one wish?

Sure, you believe you’d know immediately, but would you?

Standing there with the opportunity to change everything about your life could you decide what’s most important?

Even if you were confident what wish you’d make, would it actually cover the entire specter of your needs?      

I’m thinking probably not.

It’s easy to say if I had one wish I’d want…

But is it really?

What wish would truly change everything and give you the power to control the things you never wanted to happen? Or the things you do?

Of course, we’d all want to wish our loved ones back into our lives. And yes, it would be wonderful.

Yet wouldn’t it be better had they never left us in the first place? Wouldn’t it have been better to spare everyone the pain and heartbreak that comes with loss?

Sure, but how could you ever accomplish that end?
And what about the choices you made that didn’t pan out the way you thought they would? That weren’t completely thought out, made in haste or had the opposite effect you’d anticipated?

That’s a lot of wishes to cover; mistakes, bad choices and the do overs we aren’t allowed.

So what wish might encompass enough territory to truly make an amazing difference in our life’s path? Is it even possible to land on one?

To waste a wish would be foolish when there is only one to be had? It’s quite the dilemma.

I’ve thought about this a great deal, and yes, I have too much time on my hands. I think I may have solved the problem of what wish may include the greatest amount of good.

Go with me here, please.

I think I’d ask the Genie, who by the way looks and sounds just like Robin Williams, for a chance to fix every bad thing before it happens.

Huh?

That’s right. I’d want to know if any choice I was making, or anybody I knew was making turned out bad before it happened. That way I could change the outcome and prevent bad stuff from happening.

Could you only imagine how different the world would be if we all could stop the horrible things from happening?

Yes, I understand the whole Butterfly Effect thing.

How one small change can cause a massive ripple through time, but isn’t that the point? The consequences of the actions are entirely the point.

So, although the Butterfly Effect may change the outcome, isn’t it the actual outcome that we wish to avoid?

How wonderful would it be to warn the people we love to get their heart checked before it’s too late? Or to get any medical test that would stop them from getting sick. To stay home when going out could be deadly or watch those steps before they fall.

So many things and small choices can lead us down a road of no return, but the wish could stop all that.

It would literally undo the unfortunate results of any act or decision that had resulted in irreparable harm.

However, would anyone heed our warnings? That’s another blog entirely.

To erase the choices that have taken us to a place we’d never wished to enter would be amazing.

It would be a mistake proof existence. No regrets, no beating ourselves up over stupid or foolish options, never losing the ones we love to pain and suffering.

We would know before bad things happened. That way we’d be able to prevent the moves we and others made that negatively impacted our existences.

But there’s the rub. For there already exists a warning bell within us which rings to advise us about mistakes. That little gnawing in the pit of our gut that is saying loud and clear, this isn’t a good idea. Yet too often we ignore this voice or override its alert.

Do we suffer afterward? Yes, but by then it’s too late. But perhaps ignoring the voice is the only choice we actually can make, because the control doesn’t really lie with us.

Of course, I’m assuming that those choices were ours to make and not some universally forged blueprint written in stone.

The belief that fate intervenes to ensure the life chosen for us plays out as planned.

I, as many others, have been privy to moments that practically screamed, “sorry, you need to do this or that and not the other.” Actually, I must say destiny has a pretty big mouth.

The Italians have an expression, “La forza del destino,” the force of destiny.

So if that’s true perhaps knowing the future isn’t really a very good idea. Especially if we can’t change or make it better.

It would probably be more painful to eliminate the element of surprise. We’d have to live knowing that something bad is going to happen we can’t fix.

Isn’t it enough we often feel so helpless and frustrated when faced with unexpected tragedy we wished we could have changed?

I suppose we’d all like to believe we could have “do overs.” That a momentary lapse of judgement ruined an outcome we hoped for. Or ignoring that little voice in the pit of our stomach that’s screaming, “Danger Will Robinson,” was a foolish thing to have done. I imagine the real question is; Can we control destiny through wishing? Or must we merely accept reality and come to terms with our fate?

So many people I know believe you carve out your own life. I suppose to a large extent, this is true. The daily choices we make like vanilla or chocolate, Maj Jong or canasta, drive or walk, belong to us.

But what about the life changing ones like, when we are born, die and whom we marry? What path we follow or do we have what it takes to overcome the great challenges one may face? These may not be ours to choose.

Perhaps it’s a bit of both, or none, I’m not the boss of the universe so I can’t say.

I just know I’d like to believe we have a bit to say about how we live our lives and even what our future will be. But then again, I also believe in Santa Claus, the Ark of the Covenant and the FBI spying on me through my computer camera. So maybe I’m not one to give advice.

Still, I’ll opt to play genie here and wish all your choices work out as you’d want. Maybe just the wishing can help make it happen. One can only hope.

This Whole England-America Special Relationship Really is a Thing

We’ve heard a great deal lately about a special relationship between the United States and England.

At first I thought it was because of the whole 1776 revolution incident. Also, sharing a language, well sometimes anyway. I must admit I’m forced to use the captions when watching certain British shows. And I watch a lot of those.

Recently however I’ve noticed something becoming more and more evident.

There is actually very little daylight between British and American culture.

It’s uncanny the similarities we share. I’ve noticed constant references to American films, television and celebrities on numerous UK shows.

Even older ones that Americans might find obscure show up constantly on BBC shows.

The other day someone referenced Humphrey Bogart and the African Queen, The Lone Ranger and sang Greased Lightnin on British programs.

This is especially the case on comedies that when seeking humorous punchlines resort to Americanisms for laughs.

At first, I was surprised to hear these continuous allusions to stars and places Americana until it became obvious.

We do share a language and a culture in too many ways to avoid intertwining.

Art design and entertainment is way too deeply embedded now to ever be removed.

The familiar shows, celebs and movies pop up easily and are highly recognizable on both sides of the Atlantic.

I’m not certain when it happened or why, but it has. I mean what city doesn’t have street names from England. Hello! New York, New England, Kensington, Cornwall, Queens?

I imagine because we shared a language and both began as Christian countries it was inevitable we’d bond over similar lifestyles.

And speaking of Bond, what American didn’t know and adore Sean Connery?

Who hasn’t read Pride and Prejudice or Shakespeare?

Yet is it just England or is it also the entire Western World that formed a bond that is now coming a bit unraveled at the edges?

Yes, of course we all are familiar with European culture, but far less with other countries.

On occasion we’d watch a German movie with subtitles. Or Spanish or French flick.

France and Italy were a close second to England  in familiarity possessing an enormous desire to travel there for the food and sights.

And let us not forget Bridget Bardot, Maurice Chevalier, Coco Chanel and Louis Jordan.

Italy won our hearts with pasta, leaning towers, gorgeous landscapes and Sophia Loren, Marcello Mastriani and the Godfather.

But there is still something incredibly familiar about England. It’s as though we were always one country with a giant ocean in between. Flying to London on business or for vacation never seemed too difficult. Like going to a relative’s for a weekend stay.

We shared fashion, Carnaby Street, Twiggy in the sixties. Music, Princess Diana, the Beatles and all the other groups in the British Invasion. So many Brits embraced Hollywood as a second home and lived here part or full time. So many British recording artists cite singers like Elvis and Little Richard as their inspiration.

Great American movies like Star Wars were filmed at Pinewood Studios in England and so many crossover stars populated these films.

It almost became difficult to discern who was British or American in show business any longer. Still isn’t.

I must admit in the food department Americans were pretty much okay with Brits keeping their fare to themselves.

While we embraced burgers, pizza and Asian delights, it wasn’t until quite recently British food became a thing and their chefs accepted as culinary elite.

Let’s face it when was the last time you went to a restaurant here that featured spotted dick or blood sausage on the menu? UGH!

But we Americans were more than happy to buy into the rest. English furniture and antiques were held in the highest esteem by the wealthy classes in the States.

British décor complete with dark rich paneling was prominent in the most prestigious homes, exclusive private clubs and public buildings.

And in the fifties when MGM boasted it had more stars than the heavens a great deal of them were English.

Most Americans liked Queen Elizabeth and have a favorable view of the Royal family. Okay many of its members anyway.

We even chose to believe we had our own royal family for a time and its theme was even Camelot.

Kennedy’s death destroyed that dream in a hurry, but the pride we felt in that First Family remains with all of us who lived during those times. It was then we could understand the British pride in their royals.

I remember playing with paper dolls as a kid with gowns from Queen Elizabeth’s coronation.

Although many won’t admit it, we all loved the pomp and circumstance of royal weddings and otherworldly jewels and crowns.

Yes, we’d separated, but it was more like a family that goes through a divorce, but continues to vacation together at the family beach house each summer.

The connection is never really broken.

No other country in the western world has had a closer relationship, shared so much culture or moved so easily through one another’s world.

Politics aside, Britain’s choice of leaders as will ours, won’t impede on what has already become such a deep and abiding interaction between the people of the US and UK.

Perhaps yes, I’m being too optimistic here. As the culture of England and America changes the similarities may subside.

If that is the case, it would be a great shame. Thank goodness we’ll always have Monty Python, Ab Fab, Downton Abbey, Nigella Lawson, Harry Potter and Bond movies to fall back on when we need a British fix

And the Brits will always have Hollywood, Texas Barbeque, Black Friday sales, Halloween, Levis and McDonald’s.

We’ll continue to share it all just as surely as Bogie and Bergman will always have Paris.

Can Arnie’s Army Provide Support on the Greens?

I can’t play golf to save my life. Yet I can watch it all day. I have no idea why the sport seems to draw me in like a piece of Black Forest Torte, but I am mesmerized watching someone use a stick to hit a ball into orbit and land in a tiny hole.

I imagine it’s partly because I grew up watching my father watch the greats. Palmer, Nickolas, Player, Weiskopf, Hogan, Tiger and on and on. So those memories probably have a great deal to do with my fondness for the game.

Having said that, this isn’t so much about the game, as the players. I find it very interesting to see the enormous difference in the ways players approach their fans.

To me it’s truly disappointing seeing young kids excitedly awaiting a fist bump from their idol as he walks by and then ignores them. Nothing is so sad as a disappointed look on a kid’s face.

Of course, I’m aware that each player has their own way of dealing with game stress. Some are laser focused and crawl into their head. What I call the Meryl Streep method. She is notorious for never breaking character, even when the cameras aren’t rolling. If that’s their method of dealing I would never criticize. Sometimes the players will be stoic walking by fans, then later in the game they interact. I suppose it’s about how each is feeling about their game at that moment.

Then there is the I-love-the-fans player. Tony Finau always impresses me when he stops and greets the fans. He signs their caps and chats. Takes time to give someone a smile that costs nothing and is so valuable. I know watching the interactions they are moments that will stay with these kids forever. He’s a true mench. And yes, I know menchiness doesn’t create a birdie. Or does it?

Bryson De Chambeau also attends to the fans and often practically makes them a part of his game. Although he is a controversial figure, since signing on with LIV golf he has become far more fan friendly and accessible. Bryson also engages with fans on social media.

So does it add? To their scores I mean.

Honestly, I haven’t done a study. Yet I am a firm believer in bad juju.

Does every sad look on a fan’s face, especially kids, take just a bit off the positive energy you need to cross that line between winner and loser?

Or are juju, vibes or karma just notions that don’t exist? Just part of the fairy tale we tell ourselves to explain away failures and rationalize surprising defeats?

Does fan interaction translate to champion status?

Some of the players with a reputation for great fan friendliness are also great champions.

The great Arnold Palmer is the pioneer of fan interaction. His charisma created “Arnie’s Army,” a following of dedicated fans that created today’s personal connection between golfers and spectators. Akshay Bhatia has even noted how much the support from “Arnie’s Army,” has meant to him and how he enjoys having fans cheer for him.

Rickie Fowler is approachable and his colorful style and social media connection with fans has made him a favorite. Jordan Spieth is also known for his grounded and fan-friendly approach.

Golf great Jack Nicklaus is a genuine fan ambassador who is approachable and became kinder to fans later in his career. Jack Nicklaus is highly praised for his work as a humanitarian.

However, Tiger Woods blows my karma theory to bits.  Although he eventually became the most popular golfer of all time, fans and media criticized Woods for his poor temper, swearing on the course and often showing irritation with fans.  

Bubba Watson had a reputation for emotional volatility. His demeanor has been called “gruff” and difficult to be around.

So does the way a player acts around his fans and on the course define him? Is it a predictor of success? I imagine Tiger is an example of the flaws in that theory.

Yet, golf has always been known as a gentlemen’s game. And yes, I know the age of manners is long gone. Yet is winning the game all there is to golf?

Every sport has its nice guys and jerks. As do fans.

Do fans sometimes go overboard and become nasty and overbearing? Yes, at times. Are we all human after all? Yes indeed.

It’s often a two way street. Many players have criticized fans for becoming too rowdy and aggressive. Rory McIlroy labeled some fan behavior “unacceptable” after he and his wife were abused during the 2025 Ryder Cup.

As a kid I loved attending the Tiger games at the old Brigg’s Stadium in Detroit. That was when there was actually the smell of freshly mown grass as part of the game.

Rocky Colavito, one of my favorite Tigers was widely regarded as a very nice, likable, and charismatic person, often described as a gentleman who loved his fans. He was beloved  for being accessible, not drinking or smoking, and consistently signing autographs for children because of his own childhood memories.

Al Kaline was known to be a fan favorite. Yet my own experience with him was quite the opposite. Kaline was a neighbor and one Halloween when I took my younger brother trick or treating, we wound up at his door.  His wife answered and I nicely asked if it would be okay if Kaline signed an autograph for my brother. She became annoyed and left the door returning with a signature on a torn off piece of paper. Familiar with Al’s autograph I knew it wasn’t his. I said nothing and thanked her. My brother left without an autograph and I left as living proof of the old adage: You should never meet your heroes.

Okay so I’ll give Kaline a pass and say maybe his wife was in a “mood.” Perhaps he would have been nice had he answered the door that night, but he didn’t and she did and it left my brother and I without a great memory of a baseball legend. Did it matter? Did it change anyone’s life. No, not at all.

Maybe these young kids who look up to the Scottie Schefflers, Tigers and Rorys might see a fist bump, an autograph or a hello as something inspiring to cherish. Perhaps even to use when they need a boost and that signed cap from a hero can make the difference in their own golf score.

So do the fans change a player’s game? Probably not at all. Can they provide the bad juju at times? Sure. Still, there is something to be said for positive energy. The old home court advantage thing, isn’t about property as much as emotion. Love spreads while indifference goes nowhere. An act of kindness is always a positive addition to any athlete’s game and if it isn’t, well good vibes can ultimately spread and land somewhere you’d never anticipate. Maybe even back on you when least expected.

I’m a Superhero! Guess Who.

Why Do Superheroes Wear Masks?

Proving how bored I was the other day, I actually spent time pondering why heroes need a mask.

I can definitely see the benefit of a bad guy covering up to hide from his crimes, but why would the Lone Ranger have to wear a mask? Wouldn’t that be taking humility a bit too far? And couldn’t someone follow him and check out where he lived to see his real identity? Duh.

And let’s get real here… Superman and those Clark Kent glasses? Really? Gee what a great disguise. I’d never be able to tell it was him. How stupid were the people who worked at the Daily Planet anyway? Wouldn’t the voice give it away even if they were too dumb to recognize him? And why didn’t Lois Lane have the hots for Clark Kent? Did the glasses turn her off? I mean he did look smarter with the glasses.

Zorro wore a mask, Batman, okay every superhero almost. Except the Incredible Hulk. But seriously how many gigantic green guys are there anyway? I’m just guessing here, but I don’t think a mask would hide Hulk’s identity.

The kind of confusing thing about the hero stuff and mask wearing wasn’t lost on me.

Why didn’t Roy Rogers were a mask?

He was a good guy who caught the bad guys? Most cowboy good guys and sheriffs didn’t see the need to cover their faces. In fact I think they wanted the bad guys to know who they were.

When Jim Arness walked into Miss Kitty’s bar I think he wanted to make a statement. Like “I’m here so don’t even think about it. And don’t make me call Chester.”

I do realize that many heroes wore not only a mask, but also a costume.

How did they have time to change so fast when the bad guy was doing his worst?

Like Bruce Wayne is in the Batcave just chugging some expensive wine. Oops! There goes the Bat signal mid sip. But he’s in his Saville Road suit. So he has to run into the bedroom, change into that elastic batsuit. By the way have you ever tried to put on Spanx? It takes a while. Then he runs out to the Bat garage. Calls Robin to get his ass in gear and the two of them jump into the Batmobile and arrive just in time to find out the bad guys left twenty minutes before.

Timing a little off there spandex guy?

So why do Superheroes have to hide from the world?

Isn’t it good to show yourself and be forthright about the good deeds you do?

Perhaps it has something to do with the meaning of true charity being done in secret. But is being a superhero charity?

Actually, kind of silly to wear a disguise if it isn’t even partly adequate when we all knew Clark was Superman, and Zorro Don Diego de la Vega. And how obvious was it for heaven’s sake if you saw some guy and an Indian companion with no mask, DUH? How’s that working for you? “Hi Tonto, who’s your friend on the white horse?”

Of course, the costumes do work for some. Would be hard to recognize Tony Stark in that tin can. Or figure out who was hiding inside that Spidey get up or those Black Panther duds.

Yet I still can’t think of any really good reason why these heroes need masks. Were they afraid someone would sneak up in the night and hurt them?

Seriously, if someone surprised Superman could they actually do some damage? What are we, stupid?

Wouldn’t it be smarter to advertise you’re a hero? That way people would see you and say, “Oops, better not blow up that building right now. Batman is idling in his Batmobile over there.”

Let’s be honest, being a superhero is cool. I’m sure you get the best tables in restaurants and even when the place is full you could just drop your name and they’d find room. And not next to the kitchen either.

If you risk your life, shouldn’t some perks come along with that? You should even be able to cut in line at Starbuck’s. Okay, right, there may be some pushback there.

Being a superhero can’t be easy. The cleaning bill on your costume must be astronomical.

Superman’s costume was indestructible. I don’t think the corner cleaners can just throw that in the drum with Aunt Sophie’s party dress.

I imagine the whole question is pretty much one of those forced-to-admit-heroes-wear-masks-but-damned-if-I-know-why moments.

I get that this is definitely not one those mysteries of the world that the Sphinx need tackle. Yet it does point to all the silly stuff we confront each day that makes us scratch our heads in wonder.

Like why vegetables have no calories and chocolate eclairs are fattening? My answer…God must be a man cause no woman would sign off on that one.

So until someone can answer the question of why masks are required accessories for a Superhero wardrobe, I’ll keep it on my what’s-up-with-that  list.

According to ichat this is why the masks. Superheroes wear masks primarily to protect their secret identities, ensuring the safety of their loved ones from retaliation. Beyond security, masks create an aura of mystery, establish a unique persona, and symbolize a shift from a normal life to a heroic role, often adopted after a traumatic or defining moment.  

It all sounds very reasonable to me. But that kind of goes against the whole Clark Kent glasses thing I’d say.

Honestly Superman, you seriously need to commit to the whole mask thing. I mean this half in half out bit, not cool.

If I were a superhero I’d wear tons of make-up, get plastic surgery regularly, eat like a pig and then Ozempic myself back to normal.

Oh wait, everyone is doing that now. Perhaps Superheroes are just being honest and open when they wear a mask. After all, don’t all of us wear a mask at times? Actually, sometimes many masks that change with the moment. Is covering one’s face just protection from the world? No matter how brave, we all need to hide away sometimes.

You have to admit Superheroes do their hiding with a lot of style. And that spandex is darn flattering.  Maybe a cool Spanx costume to cover the entire body? Hey, just thinking out loud here. 

JFK Jr. Devil or Angel? Baby Boomers Really Don’t Care

The television movie about JFK Jr. and his wife Carolyn Bessette’s death seems to be creating a litany of criticism or support from various factions. I’ve given this some thought and it’s an interesting dynamic at work, but why?

Getting older means although the mind may be slowing a little, memories seem more vivid. I’m not certain whether that’s because it doesn’t seem as long ago anymore, or the feelings we felt when we were young come rushing back more quickly now.

Even simple things like a favorite pizza conjure up the sensibility of being with friends and loving that particular food.

Strangely, I never seem to be able to recapture the taste of the foods from my youth, only the impressions. So why should a TV movie have so much to do with childhood feelings?

John F. Kennedy Jr.’s death seemed to resonate differently according to your generation. To some an ending, to some nothing.

I’ve noticed young people don’t regard the Kennedy name with the same reverence as Baby Boomers.

Listening to the way John John is being described, I’ve taken the time to try and discover why.

It’s clear that despite the fact President John F. Kennedy was not by any means a saint, Baby Boomers still embrace his memory. Why?

I can only speak for myself, but my recollections of the first three years of the 1960s are still very vivid and emotionally charged.

This is in great part due to the fact JFK’s death was one of those once in a lifetime

experiences you seem to carry with you forever.

That week was burned in my soul and changed not only the world, but me. I’m certain I’m not the only one who feels that way.

The question, “Where were you when JFK was shot?” comes up on most first dates for Baby Boomers. Perhaps silly, but true because it unites us in a special way, a shared moment in time that forms a bond. Instant recall of a moment that lives on inside us.

For those too young to know I will describe America on November 22, 1963.

We were shocked and filled with a painful and overwhelming sadness. As though we’d fallen into a bottomless black hole that encased our entire body and soul.  

Like robots programmed to sit, watch and sob. Tears fell without any inducement at the sights and sounds we witnessed, as one shocking and devastating moment continued to emerge from our television sets.

Life stopped and we sat glued to the screen incapable of movement or joy.

When Lee Harvey Oswald was murdered in front of our eyes in real time, we fell deeper down a shock spiral uncertain of whether awake or dreaming. Time stopped, we sat.

The pain seemed to hover in the air above our homes, neighborhoods and cities like a dark cloud of despair.

Memories come flooding back today as glimpses into a past we’ve carried with us a lifetime.

Jackie’s blood-soaked pink suit, a convertible speeding through the streets as she climbed on the trunk, her face when Lyndon Johnson took the oath of office on the plane.

The sound of horses’ hoofs clopping along down Pennsylvania avenue pulling a military ammunition wagon with a flag-draped coffin. Then probably one of the most heart wrenching moments of our entire generation, John John saluting as the casket passed. A Dallas police station and another shocking murder.

The day JFK was killed conjures up more than just tragedy, it evokes the sentiments of a time in America that died with JFK and can never be reborn.

That child saluting his martyred father is something none of us could ever forget. More than just a young boy’s goodbye to a parent.

JFK’s death also marks the day when the guns came out in America and never left. The turning point for a nation that changed into a violent gun-toting jungle that continues its non-stop steady fall into chaos.

A day that marked the end of post-war America, and ushered in a new era filled with anger, mistrust and violence.

Gone was the sense of optimism that prevailed when the WWII soldiers came home and the building of a country began. Those upbeat feelings of hope and excitement for the future were replaced. Sadly, to be ever marked by assassination, blood and shock after shock as we witnessed the fall from that heady pedestal we occupied.

It was a strange new America. One fraught with protests, marches, anger, hatred, guns and more guns as we struggled to find a way out of the incredible pain to which we’d awakened on November 22nd.

Life went on of course, but in a new land, one without a young inspiring leader. JFK embodied the very soul of youth and hope for a future filled with the promise of a post war era.

Now violence set the tone, there were new streets filled with crime, protests and hostility.

Did America turn into something different overnight? No, of course not. It was a gradual metamorphosis, subtle and slow. Metastasizing to pockets and places in a society that never imagined this darkness ever existed.

That is why when Jackie Kennedy’s reference to Camelot was introduced it became the theme song of a generation. Before it all changed. Before the America Baby Boomers knew morphed into a strange and unfamiliar place lacking adolescent innocence.

Stumbling along without that vibrant, handsome leader and his beautiful family to inspire us to greatness. To be better versions of ourselves, and to “ask not what our country could do for us, but what we could do for our country.”

Is it any wonder we miss him, flaws and all?

Is it so strange that when we see John John we witness a missed opportunity to restore the America we loved, but can never return?  

Were the Kennedy’s perfect people? No, not at all. Did we know that then? No, we didn’t. Would most Baby Boomers say they are happy we found out how imperfect they were? I doubt it. I’d prefer living with my memories of a simpler time, a hopeful one, in a far different America. As we age into a world we no longer understand or recognize do we need those memories of happier times? Indeed.  

Am I ignoring the darker underpinnings of America then? Of course, but my memories are subjective, albeit not always realistic.

I often wonder what this country would be today had Kennedy lived to continue his stewardship and positive march forward into his U.S.A. If guns and violence hadn’t been given an open invitation to entrench their evil into the fabric of that quiet, lovely country that felt undemanding, safe and optimistic.

One that inspired all of us and the entire world.  

To me when someone criticizes JFK Jr. it’s as if each word knocks another jewel off a resplendent Faberge egg. Until it becomes a hollow shell lacking the luster and beauty by which it once dazzled.

Are we merely waxing nostalgic when Baby Boomers choose to hang onto the gleaming perfection of a place where we once lived and thrived?

I wish today’s generations could understand and experience even a small part of our America, our illusion, our Camelot.

Hollywood is a Grandma-Free Zone

Hollywood is a Grandma-free-zone and no one who is intimidated by the aging process should step foot on Hollywood Blvd.

Last week I saw them dragging a screaming old lady away from Clark Gable’s footsteps at Mann’s Theatre for being old in public. One tourist turned to another and asked, “Who was Clark Gable?”

I’m not sure what was the saddest part of that whole scene.

The newest and most profitable business in Los Angeles is a company that builds boats for people over 49 to be sent out to sea to die. There’s a three-year waiting list already.

If you think I’m imagining this insanity ask any producer or television exec what happens when you mention the word Grandmother. They break out in hives, start to hyperventilate and run from the room in terror.

Exaggeration?

I think not.

A friend and I met with a producer about a show we developed for older women.

His eyes bugged out of his head when he saw the word Grandma in the title.

I quickly covered the word with my hand and said, “It’s okay, calm down, see, I made it go away.”

After catching his breath and downing two Xanax he informed us in no uncertain terms no one was interested in women on television over 49.

“And don’t say Betty White either,” he retorted. “She is only on there because she is surrounded by young hotties.”

I never had the heart to tell him that those “hotties” would never see fifty again. Why destroy his illusions?

Forget that one of the most popular and loveable characters on Bravo television was realtor Josh Flagg’s late grandmother, Edith.

Yes, Hollywood is a world-unto-itself. Thank the Lord.

In Europe older women are embraced as sexy, wise and worldly. Men delight in their vast experience and their ageless beauty. Sophia Loren is looked on as a goddess, not an old crone.

I am not certain this is because the men in America have better eyesight or the Europeans are not as fussy about their women. And yes, let us keep in mind French women don’t shave their armpits. Of course Europe is an old country and America a baby so maybe…

In America women over fifty are invisible, unless of course they are walking around half naked with a set of store-bought DDDs stopping traffic on Sunset Boulevard.

If you would think it is a scary state of being, you would be correct. So what is a Grandmother to do?

Throw away her Oil of Olay? Pack and leave town before she brings disgrace on her family? Wear a veil?

Okay, so that does work for Muslim women.

Ah, now I get the whole Burqua thing!

Shall I repair into my golden years in a black dress and sensible shoes like an Italian grandmother? Spending all my time making sauce and rolling pasta dough?

“Come dip my homemade Italian bread in Grandma’s perfect marinara.”

Or shall I make Aliyah to an assisted living home where my children may come to visit once a month, if I am lucky?

Or if wealthy enough make a pilgrimage to Boca Raton, where I can spend my time playing maj jong and looking for a man with his own teeth who can still drive at night?

You would think I am embellishing my conundrum, but unfortunately I am not.

Last week the Beverly Hills City Council took up the issue of whether or not the police should give tickets for excessive wrinkling. The measure was, of course supported by all the plastic surgeons and Botox manufacturers. It failed by only one vote.

Isn’t it bad enough the fat police patrol is still at large, suspiciously eyeing anyone at the Krispy Krème drive thru and taking license plate numbers?

So what should one do who feels they still have more to offer the world than good lasagna or mandal bread?

Don’t move to Los Angeles is a damn good start. There is no doubt in my mind as to why there are so many kooks running through the palm-tree and homeless laden streets of LA. Why there are so many car chases across its bumper-to-bumper freeways. Why men always look like a cat that just ingested a ten-pound canary.

Simply, it is because young women are in abundance and older women are in hiding. Or, as we refer to these young chicks in over 49 circles the third-wife-to-be.

Yoga classes are filled with fifties and ups stretching and downward dogging their way back to youth. Hair colorists are so abundant you can’t blink without bumping into one and plastic surgeons are so finely honed, that a woman can leave for lunch and arrive back at work looking ten years younger.

Men check women out like Carl Sagan checked out every star in the galaxy. They balk if a woman has one wrinkle too many, reminds them of their mother or simply isn’t the perfect image of beauty they feel they deserve.

Meanwhile, have you taken a look at these aging Lotharios lately?

OY!

They have spray on tans, spray on hair, blue pills bulging from their pockets and a dating profile on those meet-a-felon sites that is filled with more lies and exaggerations than a politician’s resume. Quick dating tip here: orange jump suits are not a turn on!

They examine every woman they date with the precision of a butcher frenching a lamb chop for the Oscar’s Governor’s Ball. Their expectations are higher than Keith Richard’s partying with Janis Joplin.

As Bette Davis once opined, “getting old is not for sissies.” It is also not for women. And please don’t ask me, who is Bette Davis!

Men age well. They gain an air of distingue and intrigue. Women gain weight and arm themselves each day for another battle with gravity. A war they ultimately lose.

They Spanx themselves together as best as they can before embarking into the world, ass dragging and boobs searching the sidewalk like they are looking for lost quarters.

No bra too big

No skin too tight to hide the ravages of time.

Good News! There is always a way to cope with these depressing facts of life; grandchildren. One hug from my grandsons and I am immediately as young at heart as a 66-year-old man riding the Seine at midnight with a Paris model.

As one learns quickly in LA, there are certain foods that will arm one best for battle against the aging process and this week’s miracle food is beets. Supposedly it is the nuclear option for battling all the ravages of time. I am of course waiting for the day the Surgeon General announces chocolate as the cure all for all human ailments.

Until that glorious day you can find a good plastic surgeon on your own. But before you do, go hug your grandchildren. I promise it will help keep you young, and it’s cheaper and totally pain free.

No Endings Just Reruns

Endings is one of those interesting happenings in life that can either be good or bad. Life changing or life improving. Sometimes both.

Some endings are a good thing. Such as getting over a sickness or out of a bad relationship.

Many are sad.  Losing those we love, getting fired from a job we like, break ups.

Yet there are many endings in life more benign yet still bring a sense of loss.

Not any that you would notice any big difference, just a bit of sadness. That passing sense of loss that sweeps over you like a chilly Autumn breeze.

So many human beings are addicted to the familiar. Many of us need a certain sameness about our existence. Things we can count on and over which we feel a sense of control.

A morning routine, daily workouts; I wouldn’t know about that. A morning coffee and muffin; that I would definitely know about.

Among these are television shows and movies. Yes, we seem to attach ourselves to certain characters. We soon look forward to returning to a certain place to see people we’ve come to invest in and like. It just feels comfortable being in their presence.

There is absolutely a certain sadness finishing a movie that has completely captured your attention. We’ve become a part of these character’s existences, adventures, pain and happiness.

The ending seems so final and television is no different. Years ago, before the advent of streaming we would wait an entire week to revisit Andy and Barney and travel to Mayberry.

We had questions, most of which remained unanswered.

There was a sense of anticipation about what might happen to the Friends each week. Would Ross and Rachel get together?

Would Joey Tribiani explode from eating too many pizzas?

Would Mr. Phelps accept the mission?

Did Captain Kirk wear a girdle?

Would they ever make room for Daddy?

Would Kramer slip running into Jerry’s apartment or Elaine learn to dance?

Did Columbo ever wash that raincoat?

Would Zelda Gilroy ever catch Dobie Gillis?

Would Ozzie Nelson ever put on a suit and go to work?

How the hell Samantha stayed married to Darrin!

These shows became part of our daily lives and formed a commonality with friends and family.

How often we’d go to parties where the discussion centered around, who killed JR? Or were Ross and Rachel on a break? It as common and something shared on which to agree.

Many would merely say television became part of our culture. I believe it transcended entertainment. We came to depend on these shows each week. Much like visiting Grandma and looking forward to her amazing cookies hot from the oven.

There was a definite sadness at the end of Friends when they walked off toward Central Perk. A moment of what-the-hell-was-that when the Seinfeld cast sat in prison or an Oh-My-God moment when the lights came on and Suzanne Pleshette was in bed with Bob Newhart.

Of course we moved on after these characters left our lives, but it wasn’t without a tinge of sadness.

When something familiar and comforting leaves us, there is suddenly a void that must be filled.

We wait for a new show to catch our attention. One that will fulfill the loss left by the ones that disappeared. I suppose that’s why so many sequels and characters that move to new shows become hits. We are already familiar and relaxed with these individuals. Eager to follow their activities.

You may be thinking, this is no big deal, shows come and go and moving on is easy.

Of course we’re built to move on. But these places and people stay with us as repositories of our memories. We forget so much in life, but hearing “Hi Ho Silver” conjures up a time or special memory about our childhood.

A show shared with a grandparent or the way your father laughed when Jackie Gleason barked, “to the moon, Alice.”

We can actually experience emotion remembering something that happened in an unforgettable film.

Bambi’s mother, Old Yeller,  the shower scene in Psycho, “Luke, I am your father,” Planet of the Apes Statue of Liberty  on the beach ending, Dead Poets, Titanic, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Love Story (Yes, I know pure soap opera, but memorable), The Sixth Sense, The Usual Suspects, Colonel Blake’s death in M.A.S.H., The Fugitive, or who would win the American Bandstand dance contest?

The Sopranos (another what the hell ending) and any ending on the The Twilight Zone.

There are so many more that evoke memories or another laugh or tear.

Things have changed with the advent of streaming in that you can binge watch episodes without a break. Still, I’m not quite certain if part of the fun of the watching was in the waiting. The anticipation of how something would turn out and conjuring up your own scenarios.

Reruns are popular no doubt. Do we revisit these shows because we love revisiting them, like old friends? Or is it that they evoke precious childhood memories? Remembrances we so need to keep those gone from our lives with us?

Probably a bit of both. Nobody should knock nostalgia as it serves a valuable purpose.

Well, gotta go watch a Gilligan rerun. I thought of a way for them to finally get off that island.

Could Anything Be More Annoying?

We hear a great deal lately about how much we all have in common. How human beings are so alike and have common interests and Kumbaya blah blah blah.

I’m here to tell you that is so not the point.

It’s not about how alike we are as people, cause actually we’re not the same really.

Biologically and basic human needs, sure. But there are many different religions and most have their own tenets.

We like different climates, foods, TV shows, Housewife franchises, ways of dressing and so many more opinions and beliefs that separate us.

By the way, that’s okay! Vive la Difference!

I believe diversity is what makes us all so interesting. What a boring world this would be if we all loved pizza. Wait, I think we do.  But you get the point.

Despite our disparities there are certain things we all agree on that unite us.

Stuff that drives everyone nuts and makes us want to scream, curse and tear our hair out. The incredibly annoying things that we all agree on without any arguments, bad feelings or calling one another names.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you some of the most common despicable irritations on the planet.

I begin with the fitted sheet. Who in the hell thought this monster up? Talk about a good idea going wrong. I burn more calories when I change a sheet than walking on the treadmill. Before you have successfully gotten the damn thing on straight you have usually sprained a finger, broken a nail or wrenched your back. And why does it keep flapping up from the corner?

No matter how large they make them, they always find a way to get smaller until they no longer fit. Seriously? What the hell?

Second on my list of things I can definitely live without would have to be emptying the dishwasher. No one would recommend that little activity to someone they like.

I know we can all agree that it’s a two-pronged infuriation.

First, we must load the dishwasher, then we must unload the dishwasher. I can’t tell you how many times I have told myself as I was putting the silverware back into the drawer, Buy paper plates, Stupid!

I imagine we all concur there is nothing as irritating as a workman who doesn’t show up. Except the workman who does show up and makes things worse. Or breaks something new while fixing what’s broken.

Here’s a fun one, someone talking loud on their phone in a restaurant or social setting. Raise your hand if you give a damn about a thoroughly rude and inconsiderate stranger’s phone call.

Let’s not forget running out of stuff when you go to use it. How many times have you had to squeeze the last smidgen of toothpaste out of the tube because you forgot to buy a new one? And how much fun is it to be in a hurry and rushing down the street until Oops, there’s a group of slow walkers eating, chatting and blocking the entire sidewalk in front of you?

One of my favorites is trying to get plastic covered bubbled packages open that hold items like face cream, make-up, or various items. They are wrapped so tightly you’d think they’d been shipped from Fort Knox. Just a giant pain and frustration. If someone wants my Oil of Olay that bad, for heaven’s sake give it to them!

And while we’re on the topic, anyone tried to close those supposedly resealable bags lately?

Oh the fun of misplacing car keys or your phone. This always made me nuts so I ordered something that you attach to them and it answers when you clap.

Only problem is I can’t remember where I put the darn thing when it arrived. That’s another thing everyone loves…forgetting where something was put so you wouldn’t lose it.

Lest we forget one of my faves, forgetting my password. I used to write them down on a list, but never erased the old one. So now I’m not sure which is the old or the new. I guess the list was a bad idea.

Anyone tried to read a confusing parking sign lately? Good luck with that.

And of course we must include: popcorn kernels that don’t pop, missing a step and nearly tripping or tripping, paper cuts, band aids that don’t stay on after you wash your hands, potholes, power outages, fruit that is sour instead of sweet having to retie my shoes constantly, eating a bad pistachio and Christmas movies in July.

And this is a real biggie for me because I’m so short I can hardly reach above the light switch…smoke alarms that start beeping at two in the morning. I can’t tell you how many I have destroyed with a broom. And they don’t die easily.

There are so many more things that drive us all crazy, equally and efficiently. Lest we forget the charmers who text while driving.

So in at least that regard, yes, we are all the same.

Lastly, I must add people who bitch and moan about stuff that is annoying.

Oh sorry, that would be me.

Hey, I’m just trying to shore up the whole we-are-one brotherhood sentiment.

I’m sure there are many more so feel free to send them along to me. Actually, it’s a bit cathartic.

It’s always so nice when everyone agrees?

Round One: Birth

You come on with it, come on

You don’t fight fair

But that’s okay, see if I care

Knock me down, it’s all in vain

I get right back on my feet again

Hit me with your best shot

Why don’t you hit me with your best shot

Hit me with your best shot

Fire away… from Hit Me With Your Best Shot, the Pat Benatar song.

Many songs have been written about the difficulties of existence. Love, hate, sex, every emotion that affects the human condition has been analyzed, examined, written and sung about.

I have noticed a huge difference in the way young people today are prepared for life as opposed to the Baby Boomer generation.

We didn’t have video games that taught us to shoot, fight demons or tackle extraordinary tasks.

We had Roy Rogers, Superman and Mickey Mouse as our leaders. We were taught snide and sarcastic by a little stinker of a rabbit called Bugs.  No one actually believed you could travel through space on Flash Gordon’s cardboard spaceship.

Superman jumping in the air to fly didn’t inspire us to jump off a roof. Or at least hopefully most of us.

And come on, although we laughed our asses off when Coyote fell off that cliff and was crushed by an anvil, we never believed it was real.

It was all fun, but did it teach us life skills? Well maybe to buy everything at Acme.

I understand that life was very different in our era. Sure there were bad guys and mobsters, but we knew there was also a real live Eliot Ness to battle them.

We were taught that despots would be destroyed by armies of soldiers battling evil. And win.

It was also very clear that Mickey Mouse had the power to make anything happen on Wednesdays.

Honestly in many ways we were ill-prepared for the challenges or the dangers we’d face. Still, although many of those came much later in life, we did learn very quickly how to fight.

When we were called to battle in Viet Nam it was a shock to the system of an entire generation. Sadly, we didn’t cope with that battle very well. Perhaps it was the lack of tools.

Maybe life is simple and people make it hard.

If everyone just took a minute to breathe and reflect on the things that would simplify one’s trials and tribulations. In just a short time it would become clear, sometimes we just need better equipment.

Can a builder construct a house without tools? Or a doctor operate without instruments? Could you bake Toll House cookies without chocolate chips? Outrageous!

We all do better when we have the right tools for the job at hand.

In life the job is often surviving. Overcoming obstacles and fighting demons, from within and without.

Can you imagine how much easier life would be if the doctor strapped boxing gloves on us at birth. We’d be ready to do battle from day one.

However, it is a long time for most of us before we have to do any serious fighting. Our parents usually intercede to be our protectors until we reach a certain age. And when we reach that age what survival skills have been honed?

Our lives have been colored by a comfortable bubble that has allowed us to grow and thrive.

We are fed, housed and loved until reality kicks in. At least that’s the hope.

Recent generations have been more alerted to life. They understand war at its grittiest because they play it online as an avatar. They know about attack on their own home turf after 9/11. They have a far different view of life than a generation that loved Casper the Ghost.

So is it a matter of preparation, or a matter of stealing childhood?

Are Baby Boomers better off because we were caught off guard by a war on the other side of the planet? Were we tough enough to rise to the challenge, or too weak and chose to march instead?

Does playing video games, watching violent television shows and living in more turbulent times toughen you up or make you want to run and hide?

It’s a bit ironic that young people today are so sensitive. You can’t say anything to them that offends or invades their space. Even with all their violent video games and movies.

Baby Boomers seemed able to laugh so much off and ignore the rest. When bad came to our door we’d hide behind our parents and let them handle it. But when they didn’t, we had to and did.

So was ease and pampering simply a good way to make us feel secure and capable? Did we need to play at killing to rise up to the occasion?

Are heroes born or allowed to become?

Baby Boomers in some ways seemed idealistic and ill-prepared for parts of life that arose suddenly without warning. Still, we seemed to find the strength somewhere.

Are young people today any tougher or stronger for their games and toys?

Does being aware of the world make you any more adept at taking it on?

Truly I don’t think so.

Wearing boxing gloves doesn’t make you Mohammed Ali. And killing monsters on Xbox doesn’t help you defeat the real-life ones.

So what are the real tools we need to do battle?

The same that have always existed. Strength, determination, brains, fortitude and mostly a great sense of humor.

Because in the end laughter makes it less scary and shrinks problems down to a size you can conquer.

So, laugh it up guys and fasten your seat belts cause the craziness that is life isn’t going to change anytime soon.

Because as they say, whoever this they is, “it’s not how you start, but how you finish that matters.”

Wishing you all some overflowing tool boxes.

What the Heck is a Magic Twanger, Froggy?

We all grow up with idols. I imagine who or what we choose to emulate is a reflection of our character.

So here goes and please don’t judge me.

My favorite TV personality growing up in the fifties was, drum roll please…Froggy the Gremlin from Andy’s Gang.  Hiya, Kids Hiya Hiya. Words to live by I say.

Yes, Baby Boomers were lucky to grow up with such a brilliant and hysterical array of puppets and unforgettable characters.

Although I loved Howdy Doody, Rootie Kazootie, White Fang and Black Tooth, Kukla Fran and Ollie and all the others, Froggy the Gremlin from Andy’s Gang holds a special place in my heart.

“Why?” you ask.

Who couldn’t love a frog with a deep bass voice in a suit? One who drives everyone around him crazy and gets them tearing their hair out, and screaming while you roar with laughter?

Top that off with a black cat named Midnight that says nothing except “nice” and plays musical instruments badly. Hello, pure perfection.

The sponsor was even a little strange. Some kid with a pageboy and a dog announcing,

“That’s my dog Tige, he lives in a shoe.

I’m Buster Brown look for me in there too.”

The show followed a pretty straightforward formula. Andy Divine was the host who welcomed you each week singing the sage words:

You Got a Gang

I got a gang.  

Everybody’s got to have a gang.

But there’s only one real gang for me, Good old Andy’s gang.

It all seemed pretty harmless to me. But of course, our generation was nothing if not innocent.

There was also a short film mostly starring Gunga the Jungle Boy. He rode an elephant and had adventures.

Then there may be a musical number, but the highlight was always Froggy driving his music teacher, Pasta Fazooli, and everyone crazy. He’d twist and add to their words to completely change the meaning and make them look stupid.

By the time Froggy was done they were tearing their hair out and running screaming off the stage. Froggy just laughed evilly.

Okay, so what was so funny about that you ask?

I believe this is the same generation that thought that anything bought from Acme and used by Coyote was the funniest thing of life?

And most still do.

So did we have a warped sense of humor? Or was there something we missed in the violence and nastiness? Did this lead to aggressive behavior?  What is so funny about a frog creating chaos? Driving people to distraction and freaking out while a frog breaks into fits of laughter at their pain.

Could you ever imagine Big Bird slamming the lid down on Oscar’s head? Or Bert stealing Cookie Monster’s cookies? Or Kermit making Elmo cry?

Couldn’t happen.

I see irony here. After all Baby Boomers marched against war, despite the carnage they found so hilarious.

Seriously, Coyote falling off a cliff with an anvil aiming for his head? And don’t forget that dumb look on his face. Priceless.

Despite the fact we watched the Untouchables, Froggy Gremlin driving people out of their minds, Bugs creating havoc for everyone around him and Acme selling explosives, I thought we abhorred violence.

We marched against a war and made Peace, Love and Rock and Roll the watchwords of our generation.

We were Woodstock, The Chicago Seven and flower children. If true, how were we affected by the violence we found so uproariously funny?

“Watching violence in movies and on television is potentially harmful to your child. As early as the 1960s, studies reported that watching violence can make children more aggressive.”

This is what the experts claimed.

Still, is it true? It doesn’t seem to make any sense at all.

I always turn my head away from the horse head in the bed scene every time I watch The Godfather. And I have watched it a lot.

Were we being brainwashed to accept pain and destruction as commonplace? I never felt that way, but perhaps I was naïve.

Was Froggy the inspiration for Jedi mind control. After all what is different about Froggy changing the meaning of someone’s sentence and Luke saying “You will take me to Jabba?”

Was pluck your magic twanger, Froggy some sort of secret code for brainwashing?

Have the CIA and Mossad adopted it to use on terrorists?

How could anyone accuse Midnight the Cat, whose every word was “Nice,” of exhibiting aggressive behavior?

Let’s get real here. Do you really believe Baby Boomers were affected by Ming the Merciless when Flash Gordon chased him through space on his cardboard rocket ship?

Or wanted to emulate Superman when he hit the bad guy a foot away from his face?

For heaven’s sake people, have you forgotten about Lassie and Timmy?

Yes, I agree Viet Nam changed us. We were greatly upset by the Chicago Democratic Convention of 1968. No doubt about the horror we all felt watching the brutal violence against our peace efforts.

Yet no one can ever convince me that Froggy, Bugs or Yosemite Sam created a generation of violence-prone adults. Did we all grow up to be the Three Stooges?

Perhaps we were an angry generation, I’ll give you that one.

War, Watergate, John, Martin and Robert assassinations, drugs, the loss of innocence, all contributed to a feeling of frustration and hopelessness. But violence? I just can’t see it.

Yet, if I’m wrong about the impact, I’m not about the need for the laughter.

I admit our taste was a bit juvenile. But Froggy and his magic twanger (whatever that is) or Acme’s weapons list seemed to provide great laughs. After all Punch and Judy are older than dirt.

Can laughter be a bad thing? No one will ever convince me it can.

If you say it is I’ll get really angry with you and…

Never mind. Have a nice day.

Evolving or Devolving? Which is it?

Cowboys and Indians, tag, roller skating, jump rope, baseball, dodge ball, Davy Crockett coonskin caps, paper dolls, Mouseketeers, marbles, Ginny dolls and monkey bars. Walking to school or taking a bus no matter the weather. Playing outside until the street lights came on, chasing the Good Humor truck down the street, sitting close to the fan on a hot summer night, etc. etc. etc.

This is part of what it meant to be a child growing up in post-World War II America. Most Baby Boomers remember it very well.

Perhaps that’s why our long-term memory remains so good; to more vividly recall simpler times.

For most Americans life was a quiet time sparsely laced with moments of terror and foreboding. Families were building businesses, buying homes and becoming invested in their communities.

However, the foreboding and terror was pretty much reserved for the older generation. They were the ones who had to deal with Red China, The Cold War and bomb shelters.

A kid’s version of terror was being sent to the principal’s office, watching Michael Landon in I was a Teenage Werewolf or realizing blowing cigarette smoke out the bathroom window won’t always cut it.

Of course, there were some disquieting moments for us Boomers. Especially when we were marched down into the asbestos-covered pipe bowels of our school basement to escape an atom bomb.

Looking backward, it all seems so foolish, doesn’t it? As if an atom bomb could be stopped by moving into the basement. Ironic that the real danger was the asbestos.

I also remember polio as a scary moment until Dr. Jonas Salk created the vaccine that ended its scourge.

We all remember lining up in school, receiving a pink-splotched sugar cube placed in a paper cupcake holder and passed out by the school nurse.

Beat the hell out of shots in the arm.

I suppose polio must have had a much more frightening impact on our generation than first believed since we all remember receiving the sugar cube so clearly.

There are those who will quickly point out that these memories are no more than rose-colored reflections on times we romanticize. I don’t think so.

Any Boomer will instantly defend their childhood in a far quieter and more charming world.

As an old movie fan, I’ve watched my share of old movies. Boomer life in small town America was so naïve, fun and easy to navigate.

College pep rallies instead of blood-thirsty protests. Picnics in the park or at a friend’s, or filling the blow-up rubber pool on summer’s steamy days.

The excitement of your home’s first air conditioning unit.

There are many who say yes, but what about diseases with no cures, the fact people died younger and TV sets were black and white and twelve inches. Don’t forget having to use the antennas with aluminum foil to get the darn picture right. Or did you forget party lines, the fact women were second class citizens and father was the one who always knew best?

Of course, progress is a good thing, well in most areas perhaps.

I still contend that quality of life isn’t dependent on how many likes you have on TikTok, how many friends on Facebook or the latest Netflix offering.

The food was real, not chemicals, neighborhoods were tree lined and neighbors knew and cared about one another. At least where I grew up.

Yes, yes I know airplanes are faster, food is delivered, the Internet has brought the world into our homes, streaming services make going to the movies irrelevant and a robot named Alexa is sitting in our house spying on our every move. And that to most people is a good thing.

I must counter with the fact SIRI hasn’t understood a word I’ve said in three years. It’s like talking to someone who is deaf and refuses to wear a hearing aid.

“Hello Siri, Siri I said Maple not Whipple.” So yes, the stress levels of modern life can be over the top.

I simply don’t remember that so much as a kid.

Did our parents feel the pressures we were protected from?

I know every generation tries to protect the young. Yet, it seems that the negatives weren’t as scary.

Okay, I’ll give you the atom bomb, but terrorism, crime and AI trumps that by miles.

Were people nicer? Absolutely. Could you get a malted or a phosphate at the drugstore when buying the new Archie Annual? Sure.

Did the baseball stadium smell like freshly mown grass at the games? You bet. And it was the best smell.

Most would choose progress, but of course at what price?

What are we willing to pay for faster, bigger, new and improved?

And a question I ask myself often these days…are we indeed moving forward as a species or is that an illusion?

Do we tell ourselves man is evolving when in our hearts we know far too many are becoming more vicious than the dinosaurs we replaced.

Do I see the past in America through rose-colored glasses? I’m sure I do. Would I want to give up all the new and modern inventions we now possess? I’m afraid I’d have to think about that one.

Our children believe their generation grew up in a peaceful and charming America as well. I imagine our grandchildren will believe the same.

We are nothing if not adaptable.

But honestly, looking back it just seemed so darned easy. Can anyone look around at this world and use the term easy to describe the present? I’d have to say not in a million years. So, I’ll just enjoy my memories and hope life takes a beat, moves a bit backward to recalibrate and slows down the pace. Actually, that might be the best progress we could all hope for.

I know I am.   

Six Year Anniversary of the Pandemic. Just a Reminder

Life on Planet Looney Tunes

Why Can’t the Elves Forget Shoes and Sew Up World Peace?

Okay, I get that shoes are a big thing for women. Actually, bigger than big, but why the shoemaker? Who voted him in to get the help? Was his cousin on the Elf Board pulling strings? Making deals? Threatening blackmail? Oops sorry, that would be Congress.

That story about the elves sneaking in at night to make the shoes makes me feel quite cheated.

Was the shoemaker the only one worthy of their efforts?

I’m sorry, but I think there are many other jobs for which the elves could use their skills. I would like to suggest a few that could be embraced by many more people than shoemakers. Nothing against shoemakers of course.

First and foremost, I believe if they are going for creative endeavors, cleaning my house would be a great start. No problem if they move the furniture and redecorate the place. No sewing required so no eyestrain here. I don’t even care if they miss a few dust bunnies.

I would never insult them by using a white glove to check their work. I’m giving total creative license as long as it’s clean. And I don’t have to clean it.

Could anyone even imagine how wonderful it would be to go to bed thinking, damn I have to get to those floors tomorrow? Then BINGO you wake up in the morning and find your home sparkling and bright. Floors so clean you could eat breakfast off them.

That’s a big yes for me.

And while we’re at it, don’t forget the laundry while you’re here in cleaning mode.

I suppose I’m being a bit narcissistic here.

There are bigger problems for the elves to fix than my housework.

If they took their skills global, can you imagine how much they could benefit mankind?

Most of you wouldn’t be surprised to hear my first choice would be for the elves to fix starvation.

I have a plan. It would take way too long to go house to house and drop off groceries.  Even if they emptied the Keebler stash in the tree. Since they’re big on the whole sneaking in at night thing, I would take advantage of an aerial assault.

They could break up into 24 teams and fly over the earth dropping coupons for food in populated areas and seeds and water in the others.

The third team could fly over dumping loaves of bread and sandwich meats, heads of lettuce and carrots and other veggies. Then cook meals for teams to pass out in every area. Like a Meals on Wheels thing.

You probably think this is a simplistic approach to a major problem. I assure you these elves are darn good at taking care of business. They could provide a great many people with food who have none.

The reason I chose the elves is because they wear pointed shoes. World leaders and governments have pointed heads. Thus, my money would be on the elves.

Moving right along to solve the world’s problems, let’s tackle peace.

I have long advocated everyone eating together until stuffed and happy then fix the problem. However, I’ve lost confidence in that solution. After seeing so many people acting like mental patients, I don’t think food is the answer. No one has been cured by eating a Black Forest torte or Lasagna. Although I admit a Cadbury egg has saved my sanity many times

I’ve decided the elves could greatly help with the nutsos. They are good at stitching so they need to sew huge nets.Then comb the earth and find all the crackpots who spend their days advocating for murder and mayhem. Including also those with many other crazy ideas, among them being, returning the United States to the Native Americans, opposing gun regulation, thinking Elvis is wandering around Burger Kings in Michigan, believing O.J. Simpson spent his time looking for Nicolle and Ron’s killer on golf courses, saying Richard Nixon didn’t know about Watergate, claiming Jimmy Hoffa will be found and taxing lean corned beef sandwiches in New York City.

After the nets are secure the elves need to find remote islands around the globe and scoop the kooks up. Then drop them off with food and supplies until the normal people can restore order from chaos.

In a short time, the lunatics may realize they shouldn’t be in the company of humans and rethink their insanity. Or go to war with one another, just because they like to, thus solving the screwball problem for good.

Moving right along to climate issues. I spoke with the elves and they said the best way for people to begin getting serious about that would be to sew Greta Thunberg’s mouth shut. The more she talks the more people think being nice to our planet is a joke. See, some things are a very easy fix.

Those elves are really on top of things. I’m thinking that Christian Louboutin is secretly an elf.

Believe me I’m not making light of the serious problems that face humanity. Still, wouldn’t it be wonderful if someone could snap their fingers and make the world right again? Hope springs eternal.

However, I do believe that so much could be fixed if politicians would have their EGOs removed. A team of elves could perform an egoectomy on these morons.

Sadly, I also understand no army of elves could ever find a way to stop people from hating. It’s become a disease without a cure. Now even more widespread and terminal than COVID.

So, it seems for now the elves will have to be content to sew shoes for the lucky shoemakers.

Perhaps soon someone will find a way to sew peace and sanity back into the fabric of the world.

Most of us would be thrilled if anyone could sneak in at night and do that job. I’ll gladly supply the band aids for their sore fingers.

This Old House Meets This Old Broad

Writing about television has made me recall how much I enjoy watching the home remodeling shows.

Recently a friend and I latched onto a show entitled Bargain Block on HGTV which starred two guys who bought and renovated Detroit homes.

Watching them wander the streets while we tried to catch a glimpse of the street sign was always fun.

Those neighborhoods brought back memories of my childhood in Detroit and I loved seeing the old homes where we grew up. Of course I never miss The Property Brothers for sure. I mean they are so nice to their parents.

I must however credit Bob Vila for initiating my love for renovation. He and Norm Abrams showed us how to restore and redo any old shack. Along with the importance of great craftsmanship.

I never missed This Old House. How fun to watch him take a beaten down old home and return it to its former glory.

So now that I’m an old broad, I’ve decided to apply Bob Vila’s methods to my own broken down and in-desperate-need-of-renovation body.

But where to start is the conundrum.

The original structure seems to be cracking so I imagine that would be foremost to fix. The duct tape doesn’t seem to be working anymore.

I mean what’s the point of decorating a place that is falling apart? And we know how expensive fixing a structure can be.

I mean money is key, I get it. The real changes I’ve seen have come from cosmetic surgery and Ozempic. No cheap fix there I’m afraid.

At a thousand dollars a shot for Ozempic, I would lose my appetite just paying for that drug. So why use it? Just write a check for it and that will slim you down.

Moving on, although so many opt to use it, cosmetic surgery now costs a fortune.

Where one could slip in a nose job, a partial facelift or even younger eyes at a reasonable fee, those days are gone. A new nose costs ten times the price of my parents first car and a face lift is like buying a Bentley.

Looking good ain’t cheap.

So what is the answer to renovating the structure? Well, I suppose the do-it-yourself approach is the one that would be doable for most people.

So what would Bob Vila do?

He’d use Norm, less laborers and do more of the work himself.

But how does that apply to fixing up these old bones?
I suppose it’s entirely possible to get the old body into better shape on your own.

TA DA! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you YouTube.

The greatest invention since Velcro and the best way to fix up, shine up and jazz up a mirror-ready body on the cheap.

I’m sure this would be Vila approved.

On YouTube, or as I think of it, Home Depot for old broads, you can find a fix for everything.

Make up, exercise videos, recipes for healthy and some unhealthy diets. There are hairstyle tips, facial yoga, and of course ways to dress that subtract years from your style.

Will these fixes actually bring back your twenty-year old self?

Hell No.

This whole structure is tilting and it’s so expensive to hire people to prop up the whole house. I think I should have listened when my mother told me to stand up straight. Too late now, I’m leaning like the Tower of Pisa.

I should’ve known this would happen. My body and I haven’t been in sync, well since In Sync was making music.  I’ve accepted most of this has to be me leading the charge. Message to my body; a little help here would be nice.

Okay, now let’s try to check the joints. Are you kidding me? I’m creaking and moaning like 100-year-old steps in a haunted house. Feet? Flat and uncooperative. What the hell happened to that toe there? Hey, Buddy, get in line.

Forget about ever wearing anything but On Cloud sneakers again. I tried to shove my foot into a high heel and I haven’t screamed that loud since natural childbirth.

On to the basement area. At least I can lift my ass with Spanx. Forget mortar and nails, elastic is key.

Now let’s check the first floor for cracks.

What would Bob Vila do about this spread in the middle of the house? Can it be reeled in with some duct tape? No, even Spanx can only do so much. Just a minute I’m going to try. Never mind. It would take hours of liposuction to put a curve back into those curves.

So on today’s episode of This Old Broad what have we learned?

Yes, YouTube is a big help in revitalizing the outer you, but what about the structure?

Okay I admit it, exercise does help. Whatever you do works, even my retail cardio does put a spring back into my step. Maybe just a little.

I also admit Physical Therapy is a great way to restore the old bones and keep the framework from breaking down.

And yes, I’m going to put it in writing, eating a heathy diet does help your energy levels. But I’m afraid I have to expand healthy to include chocolate. Life is short you know.

So like any structure these old bones need renovation from time to time. And a bit of paint, some new décor and jazzing up the landscaping can make the place look fresh again.

Thank you, Bob Vila for teaching our generation how to stay young. I have to say compared to our grandparents we look like teenagers. Anyone know anything about this AI thing finding the Fountain of Youth?

P.S. Another great way to stay young…never lose your eternal optimism.

Count me in on that.

The Zen of Mr. Ed and Wise and Wascally Wabbits

My brother loved cowboys. Roy Rogers, The Lone Ranger and Tonto, and of course Marty’s favorite, Hopalong Cassidy.

I myself preferred Rin Tin Tin. Every time I heard the words “Yo Rinty” my ears perked up and I felt like chasing bank robbers. When Rin Tin Tin came after you it was no contest. He was always a hero.

Then Mr. Ed came along of course.

Yes, I watched Mr. Ed. Did I believe a horse could talk, no. Although he did sound so authentic. But it wasn’t that Mr. Ed was a talking horse that made him fun. It was what he said. Let’s face it, if Ed was an intellectual saying stuff like E=MC squared (I don’t know how to type squared) that would be boring. Even if the words were coming out of his ass.

So it wasn’t the talking angle that captured viewers. It was the mouth on him. He reeked with sarcasm and because he was a horse, pulled it off. People couldn’t say what Ed said. No way. But from him…pure gems. The ruder and more demanding he was, the more entertaining the show. And Wilbur just went along for the ride. Literally. Ed had no filter and the subjects were universal.

On being a household pet: “If you had a dog, you’d let him sleep in the house… Then call me ‘Rover’ and wake me at eight.”

Food: “Stop gabbin’ and get me some oats!”

A simple life: “Well, time to hit the hay…oh I forgot, I ate it!”

Ed on fashion: “I’ll wear it till it goes out of style. Then I’ll eat it!”

He was demanding, sarcastic and always lording his superior intelligence over poor Wilbur.

One of my favorite episodes was when Mr. Ed was reading the morning stock reports in the paper and said he was glad his money is tied up in hay.

He then began a dialogue about his lack of financial security and what would happen to him post Wilbur. What if his wife Carol married a horse hater? Watching him question Wilbur about his will was brilliant. Hey, even a horse has to have something to retire on! Maybe it was Mr. Ed that subconsciously influenced our decisions to start an IRA.

Okay so the humor isn’t Seinfeld, but what did we know?  Even Larry David had to start somewhere. To us sophisticated humor was Milton Berle dressed as a woman. Or the three stooges, I will say no more.

Of course there was nothing odd to us about talking animals. After all, if you grew up in Detroit you ate lunch every day with Black Tooth, White Fang, Willie da Worm and Pookie the lion.

To be honest they were far superior to many people I’ve had to dine with in my life. There have been times I would’ve much preferred listening to Black Tooth kissing Soupy, than conversing with the person sitting across the table from me.

Seriously, can anyone top Soupy asking White Fang if he took a bath and White Fang answering “why, is one missing?” I still laugh.

Or when White Fang was chasing a rabbit and shot it and Soupy said, “Oh well, Hare today, Gone Tomorrow.” Do not mock me…just watch this Soupy moment on a day you need a laugh and tell me you aren’t hysterical. Here’s the cyber land address, or whatever it’s called https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fv9Rr6zPZuE.

When one thinks about it, we actually started believing animals talked with fairy tales and of course there was Jiminy Cricket.

Yep, a cricket that wore a top hat, carried an umbrella and sang When You Wish Upon a Star. I still wish on stars. Oh sure, like you don’t. And I still clap for fairies, too. Tinkerbell counted on us.

Rocky and Bullwinkle. Iconic and the whole Boris and Natasha thing, too funny. Who didn’t love Dudley Do Right or Peabody’s Improbable History? I’ll give you two to one odds even Peabody could never have seen this future coming.

We had Mickey Mouse and his club. Yes, I was a Mousketeer. Winnie the Pooh and his big tummy. Somebody needed Ozempic.

There is no way I could ever write about talking animals without mentioning one of the greatest of all time. The king of sarcasm, the greatest stinker of all, the irascible and inimitable Bugs Bunny. The wascally wabbit himself.

Who couldn’t love him watching him dress as a woman to fool the Tasmanian Devil? Always outwitting Elmer Fudd, and Elmer was the one toting a gun! Funny when you think about it there was a lot of violence in those cartoons, hello roadrunner. Yet, perhaps because it was a cartoon we never equated it with any reality. Today I suspect it wouldn’t pass the PG13 seal of approval.

Bugs was not only the best, he was a step ahead at all times and we loved him for it. There was Zen in Bugs. His wit, his guts, his brain taught us one of life’s great lessons…brain beats brawn anytime.

The whole crew was wonderful, Daffy Duck, and poor Sylvester whose mouth was always watering for the Tweety Bird. If you think about it animals brought us a wealth of laughter and a lot of wisdom to boot.

They are and were such a positive part of our lives. Still today kids are watching and enjoy new generations of talking canines, rabbits, dragons, pussycats and numerous other species.

I personally believe this is one of the foundations for growing up compassionate and kind.

Loving animals, feeling as though they are friends and being entertained by them.  Learning this at a young age has always and always will be an enjoyable and important lesson.

So if you’re having a bad day, watch YouTube. All the old shows are on there and I guarantee the kid in you will still be singing along. M-I-C-K-E-Y-M-O-U-S-E.

Living in the Dark in La La Land

It is becoming increasingly evident to myself and all the other poor unfortunate hostages in Los Angeles that gross mismanagement by our pathetic politicians is over the moon. Spoiler alert: If you think La La Land is the greatest, you need read no further. I’m not mincing insults here. And I have spoken with residents across the entire spectrum of political beliefs and guess what? Everyone agrees that no matter your politics, California is ridiculous. If you live in other states, I say Congrats and I don’t blame you if you are clucking your tongue and wondering why we’re still here.

What once used to be the rare occurrence of an electrical outage has now become a regular event. A few weeks ago, the electricity went off for two and a half days. I bring this up because as I write this rant I am once again without lights or power.

When something rarely happens it can be understood and forgiven. Being from Detroit, I fully understand that the weather, especially in the winter, can create some dark and powerless days. Often in the U.S. spring rains bring raging floods and brutal hurricanes take a great toll. And yes of course, being without the Internet and some lights for awhile is in no way any great hardship. There are many tragic events we all witness in this country every day, and not watching television most certainly doesn’t qualify. Yet when these events occur, not because of nature or unforeseen circumstances, but because of political incompetence, it’s inexcusable and frustrating. Why should Beverly Hills be without power? Were too many laser treatments happening at the same time?

Here in LA, the inconvenience of living without lights or electricity is clearly another signal the city is being tragically mismanaged and totally lacking in capable leadership. I’m not blaming in any way the men and women who work hard in the field at all hours fixing what’s broken. They can’t be blamed.

I also believe a year ago when water was nowhere to be found during fire season, it should have been a clue things weren’t being handled properly. Sheer incompetence resulted in the tragic loss of so many homes and lives in this area. Instead of a wake-up call it became a blame game of gigantic proportions. The victims are still waiting to get their lives back as empty lots dot the landscape. Despite the rhetoric construction here is a Herculean effort beyond belief.

Our dysfunctional politicians spent all their time finding excuses and others to blame. While they should have been invested in ensuring such events are handled and prevented, they spent their time covering their own rear ends.

There is one thing you can say about California politicians, they are great at deflecting their pathetic inability to govern with any intelligence or accountability.

So here I am, once again sitting in the dark and pondering why anyone would want to live in this ridiculous excuse for a state.

Where once the weather and beauty of the landscape was a good enough reason to dwell here, it is no longer. Traffic, inept politicians, crime, filthy air quality, the unbelievable cost of living and higher and higher taxes are reason enough to leave. And now LA is proposing a higher sales tax to pay for more fire capability. I guess the billions they waste and misplace each year on frivolity is more important than providing civil services. Did I mention the politicians?

It’s no wonder the moving business is the best place to invest in this state.

So many say the weather makes it worth the grief, I must disagree.

Having lived through a major earthquake, I’ll take an ice storm anytime over a crumbling building.

Yes, I admit it’s nice to awaken to sunshine instead of freezing and darkness, but at what price?

I suppose human beings adapt to their environment. Still there comes a time one must wonder if sunny days make up for the idiocy of living in a place run by people that go out of their way to make citizen’s lives harder.

If those in other states actually knew of the outrageously insane laws being passed here constantly, it would provide hysterical fodder for any dinner party.

“Can you believe the people in California allow this to go on? They must be mad.”

I concur as one of the mad ones who feel powerless to stop such madness.

Despite the insanity of the politicians, people continue to vote for the same efficiency-challenged leaders that make their lives unbearable.

When LA DA Gascon initiated cashless bail and raised the financial threshold on jail time for robbery, there was a recall to remove him.

He won and remained in office until it became so unlivable and dangerous they eventually voted him out. But sadly, not by that big a margin.

The answer is simple, either the majority of voters are devout masochists, or are totally oblivious to what is going on around them. I’m probably being too kind here.

Either way it portends badly for the voters that would like to see someone in office that actually has brains and ability. Someone who actually cares about the electorate and not merely their own political agenda. (Dream on, Norma). Still the die-hard LA lovers would tolerate anything and anyone to live here.

So by now you’re wondering why I’m still here. After all, I’m free and light years past twenty-one, why am I bitching instead of packing? Sadly, it’s quite impossible to leave one’s family and friends and start over when you reach a certain age. Certain shmertan age, okay the golden years. I said it. And I’ve figured out the only reason for that name is all the gold it takes to keep yourself healthy. But that’s another blog. If you live in other states, I say Congrats and I don’t blame you if you are clucking your tongue and wondering why we’re still here. But as I said, not so easy.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem likely that in the near future brains and common sense will return to California, but one lives on hope.

Where once people came west to make a new and better life, now sadly they must leave to achieve that goal. Many successful people still live here, but they pay a high price. As someone recently commented about LA, “they don’t make it easy, that’s for sure.”

I’m no Pollyanna who walks around in a dream state. I know life is difficult everywhere. But much harder and unnecessary when politicians are grossly incompetent.

One can only pray the people in this state finally realize that voting for the same horror show of leaders guarantees the same pathetic results.

Maybe looking at a few more pictures of the barren ruins of Pacific Palisades and Alta Dena will jolt them into reason. Alas, I wouldn’t take that bet.

Confessions of a Moviegoing Popcorn Princess

Lately my readers would get the impression I spent my entire existence watching television. Okay, so much of it anyway. And I suppose I am guilty of not being able to resist a laugh provided by my favorite comics and sitcom stars. However, that is only part of the hours I spent enjoying media. I am also a rabid cinema fanatic. Old, new, no biggie, I’m on board.

Yes, I possess a certain addiction to the big screen. It’s not just the popcorn, although I admit it adds to the experience. Sadly, now the home screen also serves up great films.

I know we all have our favorites in every genre and I must confess mine cross the board and include comedies, adventure and mystery and Hitchcock (I consider his movies a genre of their own).

If I go down the list of my all-time favs, and there are not megabytes to include them all on my computer, I realize so many are older.

Of course there are the usual suspects.

From Casablanca to Godfather one and two, but there are also others some might not quite agree rank up so high.

Yet for crazy reasons of my own I seem to enjoy watching them whenever possible.

Yes, there are certain criteria that go with judging a film great, yet so many other factors enter into the equation.

Who you watched it with, where you were, does it evoke a treasured memory, something about the scenery or location makes you feel all warm and fuzzy, or it contains a favorite actor.

Yes, there are universal components to these elements, yet there is also a very personal connection to many movies that stand out in your own life.

Some I share with the world are the Star Wars, Avengers, Back to the Future series, E.T., Rear Window, all Indiana Jones, with the exception of Temple of Doom.

Witness for the Prosecution, Singin in the Rain, Citizen Kane, Die Hard franchise, To Kill a Mockingbird, It’s a Wonderful Life, Some Like it Hot, The Treasure of Sierra Madre, Life of Brian, Gone with the Wind, Harry Potter series, Ben Hur, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, The Wizard of Oz, and Network. And so many others. There is no doubt countless great movies have graced the silver screen and brought us untold hours of joy. Yet, many of my favs might not have come up on your favorites radar.

I suppose we should qualify what make a movie great. I know there are many differences of opinion about this, hence the critics who often disagree. Still, if a film is universally popular and registers enormous amounts of money does that make it a great movie? There is a difference between a great movie and a financial success.

Popular and artistic don’t always go hand in hand. Although it’s true they oftentimes coexist.

Still many small movies have been judged exceptional, despite the fact they appeal to a small audience. I think the term is “indies.” Many of these are made from the heart and a dream. A great story can lure you in and transport you. Blockbusters are created by a studio’s need to make money.

Big Budget movies can be entertaining, but don’t guarantee the components of greatness. Yet what is important is the way you feel when you are watching. Does the movie make you laugh, scare you, evoke great memories and a warm feeling of nostalgia? Can you watch it every time you see it playing and still enjoy it as much or more than the first time? Is a ritual watch each year at a special time? These reasons are often my criteria for favorite movies, although not necessarily great ones.

After the fifties it seemed as though the major studios were driving the bus.

The Hollywood star system was almost gone, but MGM held onto their box office success with the great musicals for many years.

Stars like Jane Powell, Howard Keel, Kathryn Grayson, Grace Kelly, Frank Sinatra, Debbie Reynolds, Cyd Charisse, Ann Miller, Esther Williams, Bing Crosby and Gene Kelly and Fred and Ginger still sang and danced across the now much larger screens.

The formula continued to be successful with Marilyn Monroe, Jane Russel and Doris Day joining in a big way.

Studios always prided themselves with being able to blend in with the public’s tastes and lifestyle of the times.

However, many flopped worse than the Edsel.

Remakes of favorite movies create comparison by ardent fans who reject messing with a cherished film.

Sometimes studios in their desire to grab some cash push the envelope too far as in Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny.

They have also discovered that combining a big box office star with a bad script isn’t a guarantee of success. In fact, it usually backfires.

Hello, Hudson Hawk and Ishtar!

If you don’t believe movies are a personal moment between an audience and the celluloid, just ask a room full of people to name their favorite holiday movie, Hitchcock film or Star Wars episode. Now of course the Avengers series also has fans arguing about which in the series is number one.

I am going to share my besties hoping you agree with some of my choices. They are varied and many hold a special memory for me as I’m sure yours do as well. I hope you’ll share yours with me and my readers. Of course this isn’t all of them, I’m certain I’ll remember at least ten more after I publish this blog, but it will suffice.

Some of my tops in no particular order are: Gentleman’s Agreement, While You Were Sleeping, Weekend at Bernie’s, The Producers with Zero Mostel, The Big Chill, We’re No Angels, Miracle on 34th Street,  The In Laws with Falk and Arkin, The Treasure of Sierra Madre, Life of Brian, Dirty Dozen, Mad Mad Mad Mad World, Major League, Trading Places, A Date WIth Judy, A Christmas Story, Pocketful of Miracles, The Wizard of Oz, Network, The Horn Blows at Midnight, any Sherlock Holmes with Basil Rathbone, The Equalizer series with Denzel, Adventures of Robin Hood, Footsteps in the Dark, most Neil Simons, The Razor’s Edge with Tyrone Power, James Bond with Connery,  all Hitchcock, Fred and Ginger, The Thin Man, Dirty Harry, Doris and Rock, Two For the Road, any Cary Grant and Cotton Comes to Harlem,

I hope you agree with my choices and I’d love to hear yours. I’m sure I forgot many and if so, please chime in.

Happy movie viewing everyone. I hope they all spark some wonderful memories for you.

Sgt. Bilko, Lucy and the Greats Still Reign Supreme on Laughter Scale

Starting off the new year with a laugh is important. It sets the tone for the entire year. Sort of a barometer for the chuckle degree of the upcoming 365 days.

Humor has undoubtedly changed in this new world yet some things are and will always be funny.

They survive the ages and remain relatable.

Old sitcoms that relied on the tried-and-true formulas that guaranteed laughter succeeded best. And still do.

To this day there are certain moments I recall and can’t help breaking into laughter. No matter how many times I’ve watched them.

There are many legendary laugh sequences in the old shows that hold up, no matter how many years pass.

One of the tops on my list would be the Harry Speakup episode of Sgt. Bilko. Phil Silvers’ character remains one the most unique and brilliant comedy inventions of the era.

All the episodes delivered laughs, but the one that has stayed with me the longest is when they drafted a monkey into the army. Even now it’s a bright spark of comedy genius in the humor solar system.

Zippy the monkey being hurried along the draft assembly line brought a constant barrage of laughter. From the interview with the psychiatrist to the foot inspection, it was pure hilarity. The episode combined the brilliance of a great storyline, a universal theme and expertly written comedy that quite simply defies gravity and time.

The Dick Van Dyke Show episode when Rob was convinced he’d brought the wrong baby home from the hospital is pure comedy gold. Van Dyke opened the door to find the suspected father of their son Ritchie to be Greg Morris, a popular African American actor standing there. That moment elicits one of the longest laughs in sit com history. They had to edit the laugh because it went on so long. Carl Reiner was a master at leading us down the comedy garden path and surprising us at the end of the trail.  The show delivered great lines like Laura’s constant, “Oh, Rob” or Alan Brady’s “Shut up, Mel.”

I don’t believe anyone on Planet Earth could argue that I Love Lucy has withstood the test of time.

From the Vitametavegimen episode when Lucy gets drunk while shooting the advertisement, to the candy factory when she and Ethel are shoving chocolates into their mouths. The show has continued to bring laughter to every generation around the world, despite its age.

There are so many moments that still bring a smile it would be almost impossible to list them all. Yet three that still remain etched in my memory are Lucy setting William Holden’s nose on fire, stealing John Wayne’s footprints and dressing up a salami as a baby to carry on the plane.

I would be remiss if I failed to mention Milton Berle, AKA Uncle Miltie dressed up as a woman. I guess you could say he was the first drag queen on television. His ability to laugh at himself and carry off a Carman Miranda bowl of fruit on his head was hilarious, and definitely holds up.

Watching Barney Fyfe trying to unholster a gun, Sammy Davis Jr. kissing Archie Bunker, Betty White’s Great Herring War story on Golden Girls or any St. Olaf story. How can we ever forget Carol Burnett dressed in the green velvet curtains in the Gone with the Wind sketch, or Tim Conway breaking Harvey Korman up playing a dentist? Or breaking him up in every bit?

Another great TV moment was in WKRP in Cincinnati. Station owner Arthur Carlson had turkeys dropped out of a helicopter for publicity and discovered the hard way turkeys can’t fly. His iconic confession after the turkey disaster, “As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly,”

Chuckles funeral on Mary Tyler Moore when Mary loses it completely. Sue Ann Nivens or Ted Knight, two characters that never failed to elicit laughter. Mary definitely delivered the laughs. Ed Asner as Lou Grant bragging about how fair a boss he was, “If I don’t like you, I’ll fire you. If you don’t like me, I’ll fire you.”

Seinfeld always delivered the goods, sometimes simply by Kramer entering the room. George Costanza saving the whale or Soup Nazi and who could forget the astronaut pen, the manbro or Festivus?  “Yada Yada Yada, “No Soup For, You,” “Serenity Now,” “Hello, Newman,” or “Master of My Domain.” Truthfully, pretty much every moment on Seinfeld was hysterical and it would be almost impossible to list them all.

Friends also delivered shows and lines that have become part of the culture. Phoebe singing Smelly Cat, Ross yelling “We were on a Break,” or mistakenly saying Rachel’s name at his wedding. Joey and Monica with a turkey on their heads or Joey just eating. Chandler advising Joey, “You have to stop the Q-tip when there’s resistance.” Joey’s “How You Doin,” Monica yelling, “I KNOW!” or Janice’s laugh.

Comedy icon Garry Shandling demonstrating the Garden Weasel or Hank Kingston’s “Hey Now” on HBO’s groundbreaking The Larry Sanders Show.

The duck falling down from the ceiling dressed as Groucho? Or Groucho Marx just being Groucho on You Bet Your Life.

No, I didn’t forget Ralph Kramden on The Honeymooners threatening to send Alice to the moon. Or Art Carney attempting golf and addressing the ball. “Hello Ball.” Jackie, AKA the Great Gleason, knew how to do comedy.

The wonderful part of recalling all these exceptional comedy moments is the assurance they can be watched again on reruns or, in a pinch, YouTube.

I know there are many more you thought of while reading and feel free to remind us all by commenting on my blog. I’m sure the more comedy moments the better for us all.

Yes, there is much to be concerned about entering 2026, but there is also much to celebrate.

What better way to escape the craziness than to watch a favorite sitcom and keep the hilarity coming?

Happy New Year, everyone. I hope it’s your best and most laugh-filled year ever.

Can You Reach This Please?

“They got little baby legs And they stand so low You got to pick ’em up Just to say hello…” Randy Newman song Short People

There seems to be a problem in grocery and big-box stores and I’m not talking about the fact that a cantaloupe is more expensive than a Ferrari.

In a world where people are obsessed with inclusion and every other feeling known to humans and nonhumans, it seems rather impossible that a certain portion of the population is overlooked. They are under helped and as unseen as a woman over fifty in Los Angeles. I’m talking of course about the enormous amount of vertically challenged people.

Yes, those who are short and getting shorter every year. The ones who have a problem with height issues that preclude them from reaching shelves in grocery and big box stores.

The short and constantly reaching can’t access food or merchandise they seek without waiting for a tall person to walk down their aisle. Even finding a sales or stock person to help you is a feat of gigantic proportion today.

Why does the food that I always want have to be on a shelf only the Jolly Green Giant could reach?

Would it be so awful to put the organic cream cheese on a lower shelf? Try reaching for a bottle on a shelf so high it makes Mars seem close.

Oddly, many of these foods are not inconsequential. Some I have found difficult to obtain have been necessary products. The other day, I searched in vain for a container of whipping cream and it was on a top shelf. Cream, honestly? And the dairy shelves are not easy to manuever. They are slanted and covered so you can’t really get close enough to stretch and reach. Could the stores make it any harder for us short people to shop?

Walking around Costco I always think of Chicken Little’s warning, the sky is falling…

In Costco you are in fear of sofas, rugs, canned goods and caramel corn falling from those top shelves. Those boxes loom large overhead. Carefully you stroll through the aisles hoping to be able to get out of there without mortgaging your house to pay. But that’s another blog.

What can a short person do when shopping to reach those items so far out of reach?

It’s almost embarrassing having to stand around waiting for a tall person to get down a brick of gouda.

Should we carry a step stool in our tote? Or perhaps the grocery stores could occasionally shift the order of how high the food is. Like putting things nobody eats on the top shelves. That might be a novel idea. Try spelt, whatever that is.

Getting older is fraught with issues no one wants to admit or deal with. We walk into rooms and forget why. Suddenly foods turn against us that have been friends our entire lives. Our metabolism retires and moves to Boca Raton while we are still craving a piece of carrot cake. We need to keep turning the heat up in the house because it’s so damn cold.

And to have to be reminded every time one goes shopping that we are shrinking even more, well that’s just cruel.

Maybe someone could invent a pair of shoes that has a button on the side, It cranks up a ladder on your soles that adds five inches to your height. Or maybe special shopping lifts you insert when you need them. Like MGM used to do with Paul Newman and all the leading men who were five five or shorter.

Many short women wear platform shoes or high heels and this helps a bit. I wouldn’t know since my feet banned me from wearing any heels or platforms in 1999.

It’s also very obvious the candy, baked goods, chips and junk food is located on only the middle and lowest shelves. Easy to see, easy to grab.

I find it particularly annoying that some of the things I need, like spices, are on shelves too high to read the small print on these products.

Hello, do I also need a telescope to shop now?

I know everyone who is normal or tall height out there is saying, “I have no idea what she’s talking about. It all seems pretty reachable to me.”

You’re wondering why I make an issue about such a minor thing as reaching groceries on high shelves.

It’s not a gigantic deal. But to someone who is shrinking yearly and was short to begin with, it’s another reminder that time is doing weird stuff to my body. I’m not happy about this state of events. I didn’t vote on this whole ouch-this-hurts-thing. Waking up in the morning is a bigger adventure than Indiana Jones when you find out there’s another mystery pain somewhere.

Yes, yes, I’m very lucky to be getting older and complaining about it isn’t going to change anything. But the whole shorter shelf thing has nothing to do with old. It’s a problem many stores face, but take no time to remedy. I’m sure many young vertically challenged people agree.

I’m sure if they organized the merchandise so there is more variety on the lower shelves it would help. Do you really need fifteen bags of miniature Milky Ways on the same shelf at all times?

I probably have too much time on my hands. I’m finding silly things like waiting for tall people in grocery stores to reach my merch to write about.

Just another tall person perk. They reach stuff, eat stuff and don’t gain weight. At least tall people fat has somewhere to go and spread out. I admit I have height envy, is there a group for that?

Hello, my name is Norma Zager and I’m short. You can’t see me? Well get me a chair to stand on for heaven’s sake.

Okay, so there is an upside to this tirade. I admit reaching a few less food items would probably be a good thing anyway.

Just trying to see the sunny side of life here. I’d drink some orange juice for my vitamin C and extra sunshine, but I couldn’t reach it…

Holidays are Happy, Bittersweet Memory-Filled Moments

As a child waiting for the holidays seemed endless. Watching the cooking, cleaning and preparations were always such a thrill. Activity created a kind of ambiance in the home that lingered there like the smell of an apple pie in the oven as it bubbles and browns.

The table would be filled with family and sometimes friends. There was always a cornucopia of great food to eat and enjoy with out anyone monitoring how many helpings of dessert or whipped potatoes you downed.

When I got married and was suddenly the one in charge of the festivities, it became different. Oh of course there was still that vibe of expectancy in the air, but now it was suddenly me who must provide the food and create the holiday. Now a new dimension was added to the soup…stress. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, gift wrapping and counting chairs and table settings gave me something new to focus on beside the previous, “Oh boy Mom’s making my favorite potatoes this year.” And yes in case you noticed, potatoes are a running theme throughout this tome for good reasons.

Most holidays I shared phone conversation and recipes with my friend Marcia as we stuffed the fridge with numerous holiday favorite. These became foods we made year after year and had become as much a part of the ritual as the actual holiday itself.

Yes, it was joyous, happy and laced with the added responsibility of shopping, cooking and all the other tasks involved in preparing a dinner. I embraced it totally and reveled in every moment I spent ensuring a delicious and gut-busting meal was on that table.

The food was a big part of the entire holiday preparation agenda. There were also presents to buy, new clothes, carrying extra chairs up from the basement and reminding my husband ten times to get the good silver down from the top of the closet.

All of these yearly rituals marked the beginning of what was hoped would be a joyous day with family.

And truth be told, no matter how hard one tried it didn’t always turn out as planned. Yet in retrospective all the memories gleaned from these moments are now a priceless photo in the album of one’s life.

Sadly, looking back on past holidays fills one with a sense of bittersweet sadness that can so easily cloud the spirit of the present.

Looking at the present table, although filled with joy at seeing my children and grandchildren, there is a deep sadness that so many chairs are empty now. Yes, this is a part of life that sadly seeps into the holiday spirit. I have learned the only way to ensure a joyous occasion is to focus solely on those who are there and wipe out memories that threaten to impede on any joy.

But is this what we are truly supposed to feel?

Shouldn’t we use a holiday to remember and call up those who are no longer with us? Is this the right moment to unleash memories or should they be saved for another time?

It makes one wonder what is exactly the right balance in these situations.

I myself have had a difficult time. I strive to live in the present and extract every bit of happiness from the moment and then I suddenly find a memory creeping in as I see the brisket or a honey cake the way a favorite aunt made it, or any one of a thousand childhood memories.

I’ve come to the conclusion holidays are the very essence of bittersweet. As we go through our lives everyday the business and demands of our routine often leave little time for reminiscing. Perhaps that is why the holidays allow us to stop and savor the present, albeit tinged with hints of memory perhaps designed to include those now gone. Bittersweet as it is and always will be there is something very special about allowing the past to join us at the table. To fill a seat once more. Not to sadden the present or create new memories, but to ensure the old ones are never forgotten. If there is an afterlife, I would like to believe when they pass the potatoes I’ll be sitting at the table with my family once more and enjoying a second helping as well, with the added benefit of no calories!

For the time being we must accept that those we love still join us at every occasion to be part of the celebration. There is no time limit on loving and missing those who are no longer here. There is only that small ache that seems to appear from time to time to remind us not to forget.

Happy holidays to everyone and enjoy all the happy moments both joyous and bittersweet!

Why Is Laughter in the Jewish DNA? Just Ask Sid Caesar.

I am often asked, “Why are there so many Jewish comedians?”

I’ve never done an assessment of the numbers in line with other ethnicities, but yes, Jewish people have always found it helpful to rely on laughter to lighten the load.

I’ve also found that unlike many other groups Jewish people seem to have no problem when it comes to laughing at themselves. This probably contributes a great deal to their ability to spawn so many funny people. If laughter is allowed then many will embrace its healing effect.

And lately that load of problems seems to have increased to the size of a mountain. So how are we going to plow through and laugh enough to ease the pain?

Comedy is king when it comes to lifting one’s spirit and television was my go-to kingdom for laughter.

So, what happens when you put the funniest comic writers in a room together, add top acting talent and a boss who wouldn’t settle for anything less than perfection? You get Your Show of Shows.

Of all the shows on television I remember as a child Your Show of Shows with Sid Caesar set the bar the highest. The man knew funny and recognized it others. It was the best example of what happens when you put some of the funniest Jewish writers and comics on the planet in the same room and let them soar. Caesar let his writers take risks and then his genius added the rest.  Just perusing the list of talent on that writing staff is a who’s who of the legendary comedians of our time. Probably of all time.

No one could ever deny Sid Caesar was a great comic and actor who knew how to take a joke over the top. He also had a cast of legends including Imogene Coca, Howard Morris, Carl Reiner and Nanette Fabray. But having great material raises comedy to a whole other level. And that level was astronomical.

Your Show of Shows was created and produced by, and many of the writers discovered by, a man named Max Liebman, a producer, director and composer who worked on Broadway. He made Sid Caesar and Imogene Coca stars and helped launch the careers of Carl Reiner, Howard Morris, Nanette Fabray and the writers Mel Brooks, Neil Simon, and Mel Tolkin.

Looking at the list of accomplishments of Caesar’s writers, I am in awe. Even the ones you might not immediately recognize just make me say “Wow, I never knew that.”

So here’s some wow moments starting with someone who surprised me.

Mel Tolkin isn’t a household name but I guarantee he delivered a whole lot of laughter into your home. As head writer on the show, he reined in all the comic geniuses and egos in that room. Tolkin went on to write for All in the Family, Archie Bunker’s Place, Dickens and Fenster and Bachelor Father among others. He won an Emmy and numerous WGA (Writer’s Guild of America) awards.

Joseph Stein wrote and received a Tony Award for Best Musical and Best Author for Fiddler on the Roof.

He was also awarded the New York Drama Critics’ Circle Award, Screen Writers Guild Award for the screenplay and the Newspaper Guild Award.

Among his other hits was a gem called Zorba the Greek and he also wrote and produced Mr. Wonderful starring Sammy Davis Jr.

There was also a guy named Mel Brooks you may know. Is there actually enough byte space on my computer for this guy? We needn’t even mention all the Tony, Academy, Bafta and Lifetime achievements awards this man has won. Suffice it to say his awards could fill a room.

I highly doubt you can find anyone on planet earth who hasn’t laughed at The Producers, Blazing Saddles, The Twelve Chairs, Young Frankenstein, Silent Movie, High Anxiety, A History of the World, Part I, Spaceballs, Robin Hood: Men in Tights or Dracula: Dead and Loving It.

He also produced critically acclaimed dramatic films through his company Brooksfilms, including David Lynch’s The Elephant Man and The Fly.

Brooks began his career on the show of shows where he wrote the 2000-year-old man with Carl Reiner. He went on to create Get Smart which won seven primetime Emmy awards.

It’s not just that Mel is funny. He is the kind of laugh-out-loud funny that makes you laugh so hard it actually hurts.

Moving on to Carl Reiner, one of my all-time favorites, his list of achievements is also admirable. The Dick Van Dyke Show, still one of the funniest and best written shows ever to fill a television screen.

His movies include The Jerk, Summer School and Dead Men don’t Wear Plaid among others.

I have always been impressed with his sheer ability to write great comedy that is not only funny, but intelligent.

Neil Simon wrote 30 Broadway hits that featuring some of the wittiest and most prolific dialogue ever produced. His plays starting with Come Blow Your Horn, Barefoot in the Park, The Odd Couple Plaza Suite, The Sunshine Boys: Chapter Two, Brighton Beach Memoirs, Biloxi Blues, Broadway Bound and

Lost in Yonkers, for which he received a Pulitzer Prize. 

The Sunshine Boys, California Suite and the Goodbye Girl were among his plays that found their way to the big screen. In his career he received numerous Tonys, WGA and other awards for his voluminous body of work.

Larry Gelbart left Caesar to co-write the Broadway hit A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. He moved on to his television mega hit M.A.S.H. and hit movies Tootsie and Oh God.

Gelbart’s work garnered him 14 Emmy Awards, a Peabody Award, six Golden Globe Awards, seven Directors Guild of America (DGA) Awards, and seven Writers Guild of America (WGA) Awards.

Selma Diamond was highly recognizable for her raspy voice and Dorothy Parkeresque wit.  Her unique voice and personality led her into acting and she was well known for her work as the Bailiff on Night Court, and role on Too Close for Comfort. Some say she was the model for the character of Sally Rogers on Reiner’s Dick Van Dyke Show.

Danny Simon, Neil’s older brother wrote material for comics like Buddy Hackett, Jan Murray and Phil Silvers. He and Neil began by writing for various radio and television shows including Broadway Open House and the Red Buttons and Jackie Gleason shows before as Your Show of Shows.

After they stopped writing together in 1954, Danny became head writer on The Colgate Comedy Hour and Danny Thomas’ Make Room for Daddy.

He also wrote for My Three Sons, The Carol Burnett Show, The Mac Davis Show, The Kraft Music Hall, The Facts of Life and Diff’rent Strokes as well as Joan Rivers.

Lucille Kallen was the first woman hired on the show. After Show of Shows she went on to write the popular C.B. Greenfield Mysteries book series.

Your Show of Shows morphed into Caesar’s Hour with some of the same staff, but also added writer’s like Woody Allen who went on to become Woody Allen.

The list was comedy royalty. The enormous body of work these writers went on to produce is legendary. I doubt I have ever, or will ever see such an illustrious and talented group of comedy geniuses in the same room again. Sad, when it seems now more than ever we need laughter.

If anyone ever wonders how Baby Boomers got their sense of humor, they need only watch reruns of Your Show of Shows.

Don’t We All Need a Cruise On The S.S. Minnow?

In reliving the memories of Baby Boomer television, you really didn’t think I’d forget about Gilligan’s Island, did you?

Of all the improbable, unrealistic and oh-my-this-is-beyond-stupid shows we watched as kids, this could be in the top three of all time. Didn’t the Captain and his “little buddy” Gilligan ever think that naming a boat the Minnow might portend a bad outcome in a storm? Hello, how about Jaws or Orca?

The Jetsons were far more believable to me than this crew of castaways. A family living in the space age with robots, no problem.

Castaways on a desert island three hours off Hawaii, give me a break. They lived better than most people in the third world, and Ginger never ran out of makeup or hairspray. Too bad there was no Amazon. If there had been they would have been found and saved. That little smiling truck would have pulled right up to the shoreline and delivered the goods.

The castaways built a radio, huts, and cooked up some unbelievable recipes with coconuts, yet they couldn’t find the wherewithal to build a boat. Not enough trees on that deserted island? Even though one of them was a professor? Noah built an entire ark the size of a small city!

Of course, I’m not the first or even the thousandth to mention how highly laughable this fairy tale was.

However, it just made me rethink the sixties and how desperate we must have been for escape that we actually used Gilligan’s Island as a vehicle.

Times must have been pretty crazy off that TV screen.

Yes, I get it. The whole you-have-to-go-along with the joke thing. Yet I just find it more and more difficult to allow myself that luxury.

Even today watching shows like FBI or any police tale, it seems so improbable how the characters act when they are chasing criminals. No one even covers the back door. So, of course we always hear, “they went out the back,” and the chase begins. Give me a break. Is that really what you learned at Quantico?

Or a single cop going in to chase a perp with no partner or back up. Sure, that could happen. But not in this world!

Why do I find myself more familiar with the rules of law enforcement that the writers?

Hey, there’s a terror attack in Times Square. Quick, go to a pizza joint and find two cops to check it out. Are you kidding me? In what world could that happen?

The whole police force would be there like an army. At least they used to. Now with the new mayor of New York, who knows?

It just seems so silly to me I can’t seem to overlook the craziness of it all.

Yet, I overlooked the fact that Ginger worn a ball gown she brought on a three-hour cruise, that a professor couldn’t build a boat and that the Howells lived like Charles and Camilla in a hut?

What could we possibly be escaping from in the sixties that was more frightening than today’s world and yet… and yet.

Perhaps we can’t buy into so many of these premises anymore because we’ve seen so much more real-life craziness.

Let’s face it, we had no Internet, social media and only three news shows a night to choose from. If Cronkite, Huntley and Brinkley or Peter Jennings didn’t report it, it didn’t happen. End of story.

We watched police behave like Toody and Muldoone in Car 54 Where are You? Or Andy Griffith in Maybury, where Barney got all bent out of shape and insisted on a public hanging if someone jaywalked.

Yes, we had Dragnet and Jack Webb emphasizing, “Just the facts, Mam.” Or tough cops like Broderick Crawford on Highway Patrol we believed were authentic. We were afraid of police despite Barney Fife.

After all, did Jack Webb look like a guy that couldn’t handle whatever came his way? And what about the granddaddy of all crime shows, The Untouchables? Was there ever anyone like Eliot Ness? Staunch in his dedication, devoted to his duty and as honest as the Dalai Llama.

We believed he’d clean up the town, arrest every bad guy and protect us from those bootlegging bad guys.

In the end was it because we simply became so attached to our TV screens that whatever appeared we embraced?

Was life so hard in the fifties and sixties? Sure, there were difficult times with lots of stress. Polio, the cold war, assassinations, Debbie Reynolds and Eddie Fisher splitting up.

So, we watched Gilligan and anything that came on the air, buying into every bit. We were so enthralled with having TV screens in our home we ate up every morsel, believable or not.

We remained optimistic that Gilligan would eventually find a way off that island. That Ginger’s face would break out in zits, and the Professor would take his eyes off Mary Ann’s short shorts long enough to build that boat. Were we naïve or just simply enjoying this new medium that allowed everyone to sit down, be together and escape the outside world?

Was it easy to laugh or were we simply that unsophisticated we found humor and excitement in the characters on the screen? Yet today, it doesn’t seem so easy to buy in. Have we become so jaded that we can’t accept the improbable anymore? Or has the improbable become our new reality? Kinda hard to top politicians for entertainment and pure horror.

As time moved forward into the seventies the shows became more gritty and violent. It got pretty real and a bunch of loons on a desert island wouldn’t make the cut. Or was Gilligan just the precursor to Survivor?

So do the times dictate what we will watch or the shows create the times? Was watching Lee Harvey Oswald murdered in front of our eyes the beginning of reality tv?

Is television a mirror image of life or an exaggeration for entertainment’s sake?

Did we turn to shows like Gilligan for a reprieve from the outside world or to reinforce our belief in innocence? Hasn’t the human race always been eager to laugh at the outrageous and bizarre?

Watching Gilligan on that peaceful island allowed us all to suspend rational thought and just go with the flow and the silliness of their plight.

Perhaps deep inside we were cheering for him to stay there. For that crew to continue to enjoy their desert island in anonymity and uncomplicated joy. Finding a desert island and hiding away sounds even more seductive in these times. After all, Gilligan did always find a way to screw up their potential escapes off the island. Just an observation.

Yep, does sound nice. Maybe that’s why cruises are so popular. They’re no desert island, but at least there’s a boat that works and will hopefully get you home. And a cruise does offer a lot more food choices than a coconut.

Still, knowing the number of fifties and sixties shows, including Gilligan that are watched on reruns daily, maybe more silly is exactly what we all need. Let me see now, The Real Housewives of anywhere or Gilligan’s Island? Okay, no brainer, Mary Ann, cut me another piece of pie, please.

AI? OH MY!

As Ray Parker so brilliantly stated in the Ghostbusters song, and I concur, “I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghosts,” AI however, now that’s a different load of bwana.

Okay so AI is supposed to be the end all be all of intelligence. It will cure all diseases, create a high-tech world and even figure out a way to make Prince Harry stop whining about how tough a life it is to be born the Prince of England.

Still, I have nightmares and no, not about monsters or a werewolf that looks like Michael Landon. Mine involve Google.

And what’s so scary about Google you ask?

It’s watching us. It’s Big Brother come to life. It’s George Orwell’s worst nightmare, and now it’s ours.

In one dream I was hiding inside my house while a little Google robot with humongous eyes was floating outside my window peering inside. I was crawling on the floor to escape detection as it hovered outside my window. I screamed and ducked as it continued to float like a headless object scrutinizing me like a Secret Service agent watches for snipers.

Grow up you say. It was only a silly dream. But was it really?

In case you’re wondering what brought on this sudden burst of irrational Googlenoia, it started with Siri.

Siri, that is only supposed to talk when spoken to has begun taking it upon herself to start conversations for no apparent reason or prompting on my part. Yet when I ask her a direct question she acts as though I’m speaking in a foreign language.

“Siri, how do I get to 335 Maple Drive?”

“Here are the directions for 772 Elm Street.”

“No, Siri, I said Maple Drive.”

“When did you say you want to arrive?”

I give up.

I first noticed this new chatty habit when I was baking one day and pulled a cake out of the oven. “Perfect,” I said to no one in particular.

From the living room I heard a voice on my iphone say, “thank you for saying that, but I’m not perfect.”

Not only does she speak to me she contradicts me! Is she so neurotic she can’t take a compliment?

“No, I’m not perfect!!”

What’s next, a tirade against her motherboard for a dysfunctional childhood?

Annoying? Yes, but why scary?

Because she is listening all the time!

The FBI recommends you put tape over your computer camera screen opening because someone could be watching you.

Tough luck for them, because when I’m on the computer I’m usually in my robe and in glasses looking like the wrath of God.

If they are expecting to see Sydney Sweeny good luck Mr. Snoopynose, not here, not ever.

Today’s generation is acclimated to a lack of privacy. They grew up with Iphones, computers and robots.

I wasn’t. My robot model was Hal in 2001 A Space Odyssy and that wasn’t a good thing. HAL was hardly a pillar of virtue. In fact, HAL scared me off robots forever.

And although the Jetsons painted a rosy future of a robot named Rosie to clean up after us, the world never delivered. And that round thing that moves around your house, bumping into walls and picking up a teaspoon of dust, is no Beep Beep Rosie.

Oh sure, Isaac Asimov would have us believe that the three laws of robots precluded them from harming man, but hello! STUFF HAPPENS. Perhaps robots can evolve too. And maybe after spending time with the human race, they decide they are too annoying to condone.

I know so many people who have literally extracted their brain and inserted it directly into their Alexa. I asked a friend a question the other day and he immediately called out, “Alexa what was my mother’s name?”

I walk around like Frankenstein’s monster yelling “it’s alive!”

The feeling someone is listening to what I say, or always hovering above me terrifies me. It’s offensive and frightening and creeps me out. Can you say, robotic paranoia?

Now I have to worry that drones will be dropping from the sky unto my head. Chicken Little wasn’t bad enough with all that sky falling insanity? Who knew he was onto something?

Of course, I’m not plotting to rob the Tower of London or steal a French fry off a friend’s plate, (well I would ask first). It’s just that it makes me feel violated and uncomfortable. And looking upward all the time.

I can’t change overnight just because the new world is so accepting of Big Brother’s presence.

From what I can remember he wasn’t a good thing, right?

So, why is it now okay to spy on people. To collect all their information, personal and otherwise and make it public?

Now AI will make it even easier for hackers to steal my information, use my info and steal my life. If AI is so great why doesn’t it teach victims of these crimes how to outsmart the criminals?

Perhaps we are too accepting. We should rail against this new world where our lives are open for business 24/7. Where there is no respect for our private space.

Alas, I fear it’s already too late. My computer just winked at me and Siri stuck out her tongue. My credit card company just texted to ask if I just bought six Chanel bags in a mall in Dubai. No, I replied, I’m in my pjs on my couch writing about all this craziness at the moment.

Oh well, I suppose I’ll have to accept that next an army of robots will descend upon mankind, capture us and make us their slaves.

I think they already have and no one knows yet. Maybe that explains why most world leaders are speaking in crazy tongues now.

Well, I won’t buckle under and put on lipstick to sit at my computer. So just take your chances Mr. Spyware hidden in that camera.

Okay, so I ain’t afraid of no ghosts, but robots and AI, well that’s a whole other thing.

Lunch Was Super With Soupy Sales

It wasn’t a fancy lunch at the Polo Lounge or Spago, but mostly peanut butter and jelly, some tuna fish and lots of Jello that went boing, boing, boing. Not five star or gourmet fare, but they were the best lunches I’ve ever had. As a special perk the menu for the next day’s lunch was posted on the blackboard so we could entreat our mother to duplicate whatever Soupy was having. We weren’t just viewers, we were Birdbaths. Members of an elite card carrying club that drank United Dairies milk.

I’ve been really fortunate in my life to meet and dine with some pretty incredible people, but I’ll take my memories with Soupy Sales, White Fang, Black Tooth, Willie da Worm, and Pookie over anything. The knowledge I gleaned from the words of wisdom written on the blackboard under the title Soupy Sez were invaluable. Such gems as; “Be true to your teeth or they’ll be false to you,” “Over the teeth and through the gums, look out stomach here it comes,” “When a man writes a song in his automobile, it’s called a cartoon,” “You show me a man who puts his parakeet in the blender and I’ll show you a man who makes shredded tweet,” “Birds are really something to crow about, but a bird in the hand can be a mess,” “Show me a woman who has misplaced her handbag and I’ll show you a tote-all loss,” “Show me a novel caught in a wind storm and I’ll show you a book gone with the wind,” or “Show me a midget king and I’ll show you a twelve-inch ruler.”

Or such informational weather reports on his ancient radio as, “there will be a volcano eruption today so for your own safety learn the words to lava come back to me.”

Add to that learning to dance The Mouse and the Soupy Shuffle and our aerobics were included with lunch.

It wasn’t just learning the skill of taking a pie to the face or being made aware how careful you need to be before opening a door unless you knew the pointed finger or arm waiting on the other side or a celebrity waiting to get a pie in the face. It was the interaction between friends that taught me so much. Let’s face it, who else could ever get away with throwing a pie in Frank Sinatra’s face and live? The pranks, including one infamous moment Soupy opened the door to a naked woman we never saw on camera as he fell apart, are still part of the show’s mystique.

Of course White Fang and Black Tooth were the experts at getting one’s point across without the use of intellectual phrases or complex sentences. Just a few shakes of the paw and a couple of familiar grunts were all we needed to get the message and laugh uncontrollably. Their grunts far exceeded the intelligence of most politicians today. No interpreter necessary, we understood every “eh eh eh” White Fang uttered. To this day an imitation of those two extremely vocal hounds can send me into fits of laughter. Perhaps I can credit them with my editing abilities. Thanks guys for jump starting my journalism career.

Of course Willie da Worm as Soupy called him, was a great life lesson as well. Prone to sneezing fits and health issues, he owned the moniker, “the sickest worm in all of Detroit.” He made one wonder how many other sick worms there were in Motown. The way Soupy delivered his sympathetic offerings to the poor little ailing creature taught me true compassion. It’s one thing to offer empathy to another human being, but the idea of opening my heart to a worm, I have to confess it opened my eyes. Nowadays Willie da Worm would have to take  a COVID test. Times have changed indeed.

Soupy was constantly telling Black Tooth, the biggest sweetest doggy in the United States, “don’t kiss.” While he attempted to untangle himself from her hugs he advised her to drink lots of milk because it gives the cows something to do.

I could double up in hysterics faster at a puppet hand that made noises than at people.

Now Pookie, that was one cute little lion. Always referring to Soupy as “Boobie” it’s no wonder I love cats so much. And that cat could scat like Ella Fitzgerald or put on a wig and sing like Petula Clark. Okay so maybe he sang pretty badly, but I was actually grateful something existed with a voice worse than mine.

White Fang, the biggest, meanest dog in the United States was not only nasty, but oh so clever and conniving. He never failed to put one over on Soupy. Guess it should have taught me to beware of cute dogs or good looking men with bad intentions.

The guys in the studio snickered at all the puns and bad jokes and many times you weren’t quite sure why. So I also learned the meaning of an inside joke.

Between the insane news reports and future guest stars like Moshe Dyan Cannon and Belly Savalas, it was non-stop insanity. Yet, more than anything from watching the interaction between Soupy and the gang, we noticed how Soupy, befuddled look on his face, actually listened to his puppet friends. Maybe that’s where we learned how.

Yes, the humor was shtick and craziness was the order of the day, but we laughed and loved every minute. Half the humor we got, half not so much, but we heard the guys in the studio roaring with laughter so we smiled along. The point is we had a side order of giggles with our lunch. It wasn’t politically correct and it didn’t have the artful banter of a Neil Simon, but it lightened our day. And after lunch we returned to school with a full stomach, a happy heart and Soupy throwing us a big kiss.

Howdy Doody Needs Jimmy Hoffa

I never dreamed I’d still have to defend Howdy, but I find it beyond endurance to tolerate the smears and snarky comments leveled in the direction of my beloved friend Howdy Doody and his ilk. Sure, it’s easy to just cast aside these slights as ignorance, but that’s how these things get out of hand. So just say, “Kids, what time is it? It’s Howdy Doody time” and stand up to take a side. Doesn’t what’s right still count for something today?

It’s not just Howdy who has been so maligned but all puppets everywhere. It must end right here and now for us citizens of Doodyville who’d have gladly given up our collections of Archie Annuals for a chance to sit in the Peanut Gallery.

I’m not certain when the slight on puppets actually began, but gradually without noticing the word has taken on a negative connotation. It’s an insult to call anyone a puppet and infers someone without a mind or will of their own, dependent on a puppet master to pull the strings and do their thinking and talking for them.

Well, I never! Can you imagine that we are seeing this shift against our beloved puppet friends?

What did Farfel the Dog ever do to anyone besides tell us that Nestle’s makes the very best chocolate? And he wasn’t wrong. I can’t think of anyone I know who’d throw a Nestle’s Crunch Bar out of bed.

Puppet, yes, mindless, I think not.

Shall we even begin to think less of Lamb Chop because she enjoyed such a dependent relationship with Shari Lewis and was such a girly lamb? Don’t even get me started on Rootie Kazootie.

Puppets were a big part of our childhood and brought us enormous enjoyment. Okay, so I could see Howdy’s strings sometimes. Still his show brought us hours of great fun characters to enjoy like Buffalo Bob, Princess Summerfall Winterspring, Clarabell or Mr. Bluster, also a puppet.

Would anyone like to say anything negative about Topo Gigio, Eddie Eddie Sullivan’s favorite Italian mouse? I dare you.

Shall we malign Kukla, Fran and Ollie or The Swedish Chef? In case you didn’t know, there was no script for the Kuklapolitans and they ad-libbed on every show. I’d like to see any of today’s human stars open their mouths and sound smart without a writer to tell them what to say. Charlie McCarthy dressed better and was smarter than a great many people tweeting today.

Lest we forget a certain puppet named Senor Wences and his puppet Johnny (actually his hand) that taught us that everything was “all right” and was one of our favorite parts of The Ed Sullivan Show.

Mr. Rogers used puppets, which he created and worked because of a low budget, to teach children about kindness and how to be good people.

Puppets have been entertainers and teachers for centuries, even Punch and Judy, which I guess wouldn’t be considered politically correct today.

No discussion of puppets would ever be complete without the Muppets. Of course Jim Henson’s crew were more my children’s generation, but we watched them as a family and adults got the “inside” jokes. The characters were brilliantly drawn and fleshed out so well they took on a truly human quality.

Miss Piggy taught girls not to underestimate their own strength and abilities, and never take a backseat to anyone. Could you imagine The Honeymooners with Miss Piggy as Alice? Jackie Gleason would have been laid out flat after the first fist raise and threat to send Piggy to the moon.

Kermit was the ringmaster of the circus and as lovable and tolerant a frog as there ever could be, although let’s face it, it isn’t easy being green.

Now people bandy about the phrase “he’s or she’s a puppet” as some type of universal insult implying a lack of intelligence, will or character.

So by now you’re probably thinking, “What’s your point, Norma?”

I think something needs to be done to protect the good names of our string-attached or hand-dependent friends.

A union would be a perfect solution. If Jimmy Hoffa were still here, no one would tangle with Howdy, or his strings. And by the way isn’t it about time for the annual Jimmy Hoffa sighting?

But I digress, as usual. Our jackets would read, The Puppet Union of America or the PU of A. Being from Detroit, a big union town, my mind just went there immediately. I’m nominating Triumph the Insult Comic Dog as the president and Statler and Waldorf as the Board of Directors. The PU of A would file grievances against those who took the name of Howdy or Cookie Monster in vain and negotiate contracts, collective bargain, plus stage walkouts. Well, I guess walkouts would be a bit tricky but you get the point.

They need to be protected against the slanderous insults of those who have forgotten their glorious past, present and future.

How much less fun the world would be without the Kermies, Mr. Blusters or Kuklas. Without the Topo Gigios how would we ever know how adorable an Italian mouse could be or how strong and tough a woman could be without Piggy?

If the world wants to infer a lack of intelligence, will and character on anyone I suggest they use the word politician. Now that makes much more sense to me. Has a politician ever opened their mouth and said anything smart? Think about it.

And if you don’t believe a puppet can influence the entire world—ever hear of a Jedi Master named Yoda?

I Dream of Life Inside Jeannie’s Bottle

Does art imitate life or vice versa. It might be either. Do I believe that? Is art the driver of life or merely a reflection? I actually believe it’s both.

Art will push the boundaries of what’s acceptable and at times use imitation as creation.

Fifties and sixties television is a perfect example.

The norm at the time was women in the home. Men ruled the roost and women cooked the roast.

TV perpetuated these stereotypes with gusto.

Fifties Moms were portrayed as neat, well dressed, always coifed and able to perform their duties.

They kept a clean house, cooked healthy meals always adhering to the food pyramid, and considered their husbands the authority on the world outside the home.

Each lived and existed within their domain.

Fifties women were no more than updated cavewomen who cooked the game hubby provided and kept the cave clean and tidy.

I remember a Donna Reed show where there was a plumbing problem.

Her husband was busy so he couldn’t get around to the issue quickly enough to suit her. Donna Reed actually took it upon herself to call a plumber and deal with the leak.

When her husband learned she had “handled” the problem he was surprised. So complimentary that she had stepped out of her comfort zone to deal with a man’s job.

WOW. Can you imagine. A fifties Mom actually made a phone call to a plumber? How incredibly bold and modern of her. What will women accomplish next?

There were specific attitudes that not only reflected the times, but embraced and exploited them.

Samantha wasn’t allowed to be herself and took scolding after scolding from stupid Darrin if she dared use her magic powers. Unless of course they suited his needs.

Don’t even start me on a half-dressed Jeannie in that bottle. Can you say, every man’s fantasy? And she called Larry Hagman Master. Subtle? I think not.

Ozzie and Harriet even kept the father at home so he could be on-site overlord. No one ever seemed to ask or care how Ozzie paid the bills while he sat around in his cardigan sweater.

Father Knows Best is so obvious need I say more?

Even westerns were in on the joke. Cowboy shoots up the town, sheriff arrests badman and saves the women and children.

Yes, we knew the rules and the playbook, and although we grew slightly uncomfortable with it, we didn’t make waves. At least not yet.

TV and movies of the day were much the same except movies tended to push the envelope. They could because they weren’t entering your home.

If you wanted to see a racy movie like The Best of Everything, you went out and paid. And one of the reasons it was considered “racy” was it featured women working in a man’s world and alluded to sex. Tsk Tsk how revolutionary.

Movies could change mores, but Doris Day is proof that didn’t happen as much as was necessary. In the movie The Thrill of it All with James Garner, Doris is offered a position to be the face of a soap company.

Garner was upset because she wasn’t home to greet him at night like a tail-wagging cocker spaniel. He devised a plan to get her pregnant so she’d have to quit and stay home. Seriously?

Yes, men in movies could be portrayed as buffoons and television did begin to allow some to be portrayed that way. But always in a comic way.

Hello, Barney Fyfe. But Andy, who was a father, was the responsible and mature one of the pair. Always ready with sage advice for Opie and an endless supply of patience for Barney’s shenanigans.

Yes, there were certain expectations and no one complained much. Until they did.

As women began to explore life outside of the home television began reflecting more women at work.

The seventies had programs about policewomen, executives and bosses instead of just secretaries and housewives.  

The women’s movement effected not only the times, but the entertainment.

Women could be strong, bold and dynamic. It became no shock to anyone anymore that we were capable of calling a plumber to fix a leak. Or that fathers knew best only because Moms usually let them think that was true.

Art has never been fully aware of how much it affects the norms.

After a lifetime of watching television, going to movies and absorbing the intake, I see things clearly.

Yes, art imitates life, but it also seals the norms place in society.

No, viewers do not run out after seeing a cop show and rob a bank or become violent felons.

However, it does have negative impacts on the world.

By bombarding viewers with violence, crime and horrible people, the shock value wears off quickly.

Shock value is an important element in that it draws a line in the sand between what is acceptable and what is absolutely not.

The more we become accustomed to seeing evil, the more accepting of it we become.

Like a comic who uses the F-bomb over and over and it eventually loses its meaning.

No one is surprised anymore that politicians lie, in fact we expect them too.

Society is no longer shocked or shaking their heads by crime and violence. After all nothing could scare us as much as the evening news.

It’s as if we’ve come to expect the worst. And learned to live with it.

Can we blame this on television when network execs did fight valiantly to keep Mom home and Dad believing he was king of his domain?

Or was it inevitable that after seeing so much brutality in movies and on television we became too blasé about it.

That Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry became entertainment instead of a warning of cities turning into future war zones?

We’ve learned to tolerate evil because it was so easily allowed into our world. Crime, violence, harsh language, corruption and dishonesty are almost expected as part of the genre.

Perhaps we were just kidding ourselves all along. Buying the fairy tale that as long as Donna Reed was in her high heels and pearls stirring oatmeal, and Ozzie was in his cardigan chatting with Thorney, all was right with the world?

Or was art just a reflection of a world that changed so quickly we never saw it coming. One we had no desire to accept into our lives.

No wonder people watch reruns of the old shows and sigh at how uncomplicated life was then. All problems could be solved in half an hour.

Jeannie’s bottle sounds like a pretty good hiding place to me now. Move over Barbara, and could you teach me how to nod your head and conjure up dinner, please.

BOO WHO?

Hard to believe another Halloween is upon us. All the spooks and goblins will be out celebrating while children are out begging for goodies.

Of course most parents throw away all the goodies they are unsure of now. No more just grabbing that Milky Way mini bar and popping it in your mouth. We must check for needle marks or suspicious appearances to the wrapper.

Ah the good old days when candy was just candy with no hinderance to eating it on Halloween.

But of course, that was the good old days.

So these good old days I’m referring to, when were they and what was the difference between them and nowadays?

I suppose most would say everything.

One thing that has changed is that parents always have and still do like to walk their kids around. I always suspected it was to grab that odd candy bar, but it was mostly to keep us safe.

That hasn’t changed except now it’s not about grabbing that candy bar to eat. It’s about grabbing it to see if it is indeed edible. Many neighborhoods have parties and many friends get together at someone’s home for a private celebration. Hey, chocolate is chocolate no matter how it’s given.

So what is the big difference between Halloween in the past and today? Not so scary. Let’s be honest here, the news is scarier than any ghost or goblin now.

I’d say for many it’s the fact dressing up is no big deal anymore.

Halloween has always been an expression of how much fun it is to leave ourselves for a short time and be someone or something else. Check out for an evening.

Being a witch, ghost or anything spooky was always a decision not made easily. It meant a great deal to have the opportunity one night a year to become whomever or whatever you chose.

We didn’t take this change lightly. It was discussed, considered and a decision often made after talking to friends and ensuring no duplication.

The creativity of one’s costume was important. It showed your individuality. Your talent at becoming someone else and leaving your skin for a night. Young girls often loved the ability and freedom to wear makeup, boys to express their inner devils or Draculas. The chance to copy an idol or the freedom to change your persona.

To put it simply, freedom to look, act or dress outrageous was something just not done in everyday life.

Schools had rules about what clothing we wore. We had pretty strict dress codes back then.

Skirts, no pants, jeans were out of the question.  No one would dare. Even though we began to see them worn in movies, they were reserved for outdoor play. And if one’s parents were very modern perhaps to the mall.

In high school pants, skorts or culottes weren’t even permitted and if a girl was caught wearing these she was sent home. It worked great when you felt like cutting school. You were sent to your counselor and out you went for the day.

The idea you could dress as anything you wanted in whatever you wanted one day a year was exciting.

A far cry from today when many kids dress like Halloween every day. I’ve seen students walking out of school with hair colors I never saw in the Crayola box. Even the one with 64 options we all loved.

Here in California girls wear less clothes to school that a stripper when she’s performing, and show more skin than an Oil of Olay ad. Sporting more jewelry than Tiffanys and on parts of their bodies for which jewels were never intended.

It’s a wonder some kids today actually need to come up with costumes.

In a world of anything goes where everything is the norm, what is the excitement of stepping outside the box?

Who cares if you can be anyone you want one night a year when you are in a costume all day every day?

Okay so you’re thinking I sound old fashioned and stuffy about this and no, of course not all kids dress over the top. So yes, I do sound old and grandmaish. And yes I totally believe it’s healthy for kids to always express themselves.

I just feel when kids dress up every day it kind of makes the effort less special. Robbing them of the excitement of exercising their imagination as an out of the ordinary occurrence.

Let’s face it. If you eat hot fudge sundaes every day what’s the big deal about a trip to the ice cream parlor?

Perhaps I’m overthinking this and maybe kids who dress like Halloween every day might wear a business suit or cover their bodies completely for one night. Well perhaps, I’m not certain.

I guess because Halloween was such a big deal to us, I’d like to see every child be able to fully embrace the fun, food and chance to hear “Wow, I love your costume, Dude!”

But I concur that every kid deserves to make their own rules, have their own fun in their own way and make it work for them.

I fully understand what we found exciting and interesting bears no resemblance to life in today’s world.

So if it works for today’s kids, that’s all that matters.

My memories of Halloween are special. I’m certain theirs will be also. No matter how they dress.

Hell, anytime someone is passing out free candy it’s the best holiday ever. I imagine that’s something that hasn’t changed. After all, isn’t that a big part of Halloween fun?

A good Boo could never beat a great Snickers bar. Still can’t, so maybe nothing has really changed at all.

I’m dressing up as a teenager this year without a single ache or pain. I hope I can pull that one off. It may be too much of a stretch.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Why Didn’t Samantha Divorce Darrin? What Was She Thinking?

Locking My Bedroom Window

In life we ultimately discover that problems require solutions. However, the solution to all problems are many times perplexing and difficult to uncover.

There are times when I feel like Sherlock Holmes attempting to solve a case. One such mystery has me quite stumped and in the tradition of Dr. Watson I will name this case…The Night Prowler and Mystery Biter.

I assure you my situation is not unique. I have spoken to countless friends and acquaintances that find themselves faced with a similar conundrum and no solution in sight.

After studying many of these puzzling acts, I find myself close to a solution.

It all began when I turned sixty-five. Sure, Social Security was now on the horizon, but I couldn’t seem to find any correlation between my case and the monthly stipend from the government. So no conspiracy theory here.

I continued my investigation.

At first it was intermittent.

A bite here, a pain there. I took little notice thinking it was something that had happened during daylight hours.

Yet after a time I realized the events were occurring closer together and far more often.

I would awaken with a large red itchy mass on my cheek. Or a sharp pain in my rib or even an inability to actually move my arm.

I became more mystified as time went on.

More frequently the first words out of my mouth in the morning were OUCH! What the hell?

Not wanting to overreact to these nighttime attacks on my body, I attempted a reasonable explanation for these occurrences.

Aliens? Not so much. I had heard they probed earthlings through the belly button and nope, no evidence of that anywhere.

Having the hassle of working sans Dr. Watson my theories often came up short.

But I persevered. My determination was inspiring. Not quite certain to whom, but I digress.

First things first. How were these interlopers entering a locked residence in the middle of the night.

Possessing a secure entrance where I must buzz someone inside, it seems rather impossible. But, of course we know that if one is determined nothing is impossible.

The bedroom window I thought. They must be climbing up and sneaking in to beat me. Yet, I     thought I might hear noises if that was the case.

I examined the possibility someone was driving a car through the window at such rapid speed it was like a flash going by in a dream. Too quickly for my eyes to even perceive.

Maybe that dream about participating in the Formula 500 wasn’t a dream after all?

No matter how I tried to imagine a plausible scenario, I couldn’t seem to come up with a viable reason why I awakened in the morning bruised, battered and full of ouchies.

I definitely wasn’t imaging these mystery bruises.

They weren’t there at night, but in the morning, I couldn’t turn my neck. Or my foot hurt, or a big red itchy bump was on my shoulder.

Was I running in my sleep? Who and what was sneaking in at night to beat the hell out of me?

What the heck, was my mattress made of, steel?

It’s not as if old age doesn’t afford you enough aches and pains, at night ghosts, goblins or ghouls are partying on my bed and kicking the hell out of me.

OUCH!

I once hopped out of bed in the morning. Eager to begin a new day. Filled with energy and ambition and tanked up with enough coffee to run a fifty-mile marathon. Okay, maybe not fifty miles.

Now if I simply turn my head to look at the clock it takes five minutes to stop the pain and another ten to turn my head back.

I’m beginning to think it’s not aliens at all. Or teenagers doing wheelies over my entire body with a GTO. I’m beginning to suspect it’s my body punishing me for not working out in college, or after. My body sees young girls with spandex on walking to the gym thinking, serves you right to suffer aches and pains after the way you neglected me.

But who knew?

To us exercise was walking back and forth to school four times a day. Riding our bikes to the drug store or playing dodge ball in a neighbor’s back yard.

It was walking to a friend’s home six blocks away and returning home before the street lights came on.

Running home from school when you got all ‘A’s on your report card.

Walking to the store for a quarter’s worth of penny candy and wax teeth.

Or chasing the Good Humor man down the street. “STOP! I need a Strawberry Shortcake Bar.”

It was going on the bus with a friend to that new giant mall and walking around there all day.

Or swimming in the summer because there was no air conditioning.

I believe that would qualify as exercise.

So why do I feel like I’m in horrible shape?

Why is my body so angry that it wakes up each morning with a chip on its shoulder, a bite or a big huge OUCH!?

We ate healthy, played healthy and there were no video games to keep us glued to a screen. Our feet were our mode of transportation and they worked great. Now it takes me ten visits to the shoe store to find a pair that doesn’t kill my feet.

Ageing is difficult enough when you can actually see the ravages of time. But the ones that are stealth, well that’s totally over the top.

I have to go now so have a great day. I’m setting up a teddy bear nanny cam in my bedroom. I’ll catch those suckers now!

The Smell of Burning Leaves

Each Year I receive requests to reblog this piece in the Autumn. So many love the feelings of nostalgia it evokes. Thank you for sharing these wonderful memories with me. Enjoy this wonderful season.

If one mentions the word Trigger it quickly calls to my mind a picture of a golden horse with a white patch responding to its owner Roy Rogers. Different strokes I guess.

The brain is a strange little computer. We respond to the senses and a smell, taste, sound or a glimpse can evoke the most intense memory and catch us completely off guard.

One smell that induces the most extreme reaction for me is the smell of burning leaves. If there was a candle that smelled like burning leaves I may be tempted to keep it lit all day.

Occasionally I’ll smell something that reminds me of a fresh spring day after a rain and feel that sense of contentment spring brings, but it’s the burning leaves that stoke my flame of happy memories.

Growing up in the Midwest, autumn was such a happy time filled with sights, sounds and moments captured by one scent—burning leaves. It doesn’t induce a single recollection, but a torrent of memories, happy and heartwarming that bring me to a moment in childhood special and revered.

Autumn meant the beginning of school, new clothes and clean saddle shoes. A trip on the first day of school to the corner drugstore to pick out supplies, including a new loose leaf, pencils and a clean eraser. The excitement of a new school bag complete with clear, zippered pencil case and a fresh box of Crayolas, tips sharp and shiny.

Coming home after school and changing into play clothes then going outside to play with friends and watch the neighborhood boys play football in the street.

I can still picture a leaf gently falling and covering the green grass after turning the most exquisite shades of reds, oranges and yellows. The pure joy of crunching the leaves while walking to school and then jumping in them after my father raked them to the curb. Of hearing him grumble because I messed them up and he had to redo them, yet he was never really angry. I always suspected he wanted to do the same himself.

For me it also meant the Jewish holidays were near and I looked forward to meeting friends at synagogue then walking to the bagel factory after services. The fun of Halloween and choosing a costume, begging for candy and rushing home to look through and see what wonderful delights the treat bag held.

The smell of burning leaves promised Thanksgiving and turkey roasting in the oven while we watched the Macy’s parade on television. Then soon came Christmas, Hanukah and the smell of latkes would arrive with vacation time.

No mention of autumn could be complete without invoking the smell of freshly crushed apples at the Cider Mill. The giant wheel mashing apples into submission as they released their delicious juices then paired with hot cinnamon donuts in a grease-laden paper bag. Followed by a ride on a hay wagon into the orchard to soak up the autumn colors or climb ladders to pick the ripe fruit off their trees. No memory would be complete without the crunch of a caramel dipped apple on Halloween.

Yes, that’s a lot to put on a single smell, but that’s why burning leaves are so powerful. I’m certain if you ask any Baby Boomer what smell evokes autumn for them it will be the same.

There’s a certain comfort in memories now. When younger I never thought much about the past because I was too busy living in the present, and of course when one is young there is very little past to recall.

This past year when I’ve been forced to come face to face with my own mortality and had little ability to move my life forward as I’d have wished, the past seems so suddenly important. It’s as if I pulled out an old scrapbook filled with pictures and suddenly recalled how precious each snapshot has become.

Nostalgia has been a big part of how I’ve coped with this captivity because although I wasn’t free to travel outward, I could travel backward at my leisure. I could reflect at will upon those memories that had settled into the nooks and crannies of my brain and become hidden from view. Whenever a scent or sight drew them out of hiding I luxuriated in their warmth.

There has been a great deal of sharing with old friends on the phone and of course Facebook, and recalling time spent in childhood schools, stores and hometown haunts. Remembering my favorite foods makes me long for a local deli, great burgers or pizza, Chinese food on Sunday or a trip to the DQ. The burning leaves seem to be the magic carpet that transports me to the past, flying over childhood and once again absorbing the sights, smells and tastes of my youth. Filling me with the warmth so desperately needed in these cold, scary COVID days.

Even now when I’m walking and come upon a small pile of fallen dried leaves I will crunch them under my feet and feel a sense of satisfaction as the sound hits my ears.

Perhaps it isn’t the COVID that has captured my imagination and yearning for happier times. It may simply be a side effect of baby boomerism. I can’t say for sure what has created this new desire to share memories with those with whom I shared my youth, but it is a heady and incredibly magnetic feeling.

The question “do you remember” could probably be translated as, “oh, how I miss.”

Whatever the reason I shall always love the smell of burning leaves and the wonderful feelings they evoke and in this uncertain world, of that I am certain.

Virtually Speaking

I don’t know about all of you, but I can say with certainty that I am exhausted from fighting with my body. So instead of battling against Father Time, I’ve found a way to live my life and enjoy the things I can no longer do. A new world has provided the tools for opportunities to travel without leaving the sofa, garden without scooping up a bit of dirt or fighting those ugly tomato worms.

I play golf, have a huge home and don’t have to clean the toilets.

I can do so many things I thought were now lost to me.

And all I have to do is enter the virtual world.

There is so much talk today about kids being on their computers too much. I concur. Fresh air, and of course I must add that none of that is available in Los Angeles, and sunshine, that you can actually get here, are still vital for good health.

But for an old broad who still loves to garden, play a lousy game of golf and enjoy the comforts of a spacious home without the responsibility that comes along with owning one, there is a virtual world. It affords me all the possibilities I thought were lost long ago.

There are of course many ways to enter this world.

One that is really amazing is VR or Oculus Rift, invented by a genius named Palmer Luckey. A tech wunderkind that figured out a way to simply put on a mask and enter a whole new realm of reality.

On VR I am able to play golf, solve mysteries like Sherlock Holmes and enter worlds so real, and even scary, I am still in awe of the technology.

I play golf with my grandsons or fight Darth Vader. And yes, he is just as scary in the virtual world.

I can enter ancient worlds and go on a scavenger hunt. Or golf through Atlantis and wonder at a world that exists now I never thought I’d ever experience.

It all seems so real and vibrant and best of all you can fly through these worlds as though you had wings.

No airplane necessary just float around and hover over these amazing sights.

As a child these wonders were what science fiction movies were made of and now, well they’re actually here.

Was it worth the wait? You bet.

I have also discovered the world of online gaming, no not gambling. Roblox. Like an online Atari.

There are hundreds of games to play and all of the technology is truly stunning.

The best part is playing these games with my grandsons.

One game called Grow a Garden is one we all play. You can plant your own garden with vegetables and flowers. Design the landscape and enjoy contests.

We play it all the time and my daughter who thought we were all silly, is now as into it as we are. Hilariously so are many of her friends as well. Adults, kids just a fun way to be creative and grow a beautiful garden. It’s a great way to spend time together when we’re apart and be able to share fun experiences.

By now you probably think I’ve truly lost it, but some of the games on Roblox are also educational.

Adopt Me teaches kids to own and care for a pet.

Of course there are others like Steal a Brainrot that well, I just don’t know.

But it’s all in fun.

There are even Squid Games and cooking contests.

If it all sounds crazy, well perhaps it is.

But I must admit I love being able to do so many things with my grandsons that don’t involve battling with Light Sabers or bouncing on the trampoline.

I even have a Tik Tok account with a hundred and fifty-five thousand followers as The Roblox Grammy.  The kids, and there are millions, love watching this old broad play Murder Mystery or design clothes for a fashion show. Or any one of so many other things we can do.

With travel so different today, and not in a good way, I can enjoy Italy on VR. I don’t have to wait in TSA lines, worry about delays or barely missing another plane miles over the earth.

I can kick off my shoes, fluff the couch pillows and climb Machu Pichu without having to stop and catch my breath.

Is seeing the Mona Lisa or Eiffel Tower the same online as up close and personal? Of course not. Sure, I wish I could still do so many things now that I once never thought twice about.  

Still, if one is going to grow old at least there is a way to travel and check stuff off your bucket list without missing a beat. And is this really any different from rushing home from school and planting ourselves in front of the TV to watch Howdy Doody?

Is it fun to travel through outer space without a rocket? Yep. Would NASA let me anyway at this age? I’m pretty sure I couldn’t pass the endurance test anymore. Besides space capsules feel so claustrophobic.

Okay so we never got the Jetpacks, or the hoverboards, or Beep Beep Rosie, but taking advantage of a new reality once in a while is a fun way to leap into the future. And in our present world that’s a gift.

Well, I’d love to stay and chat but I have a golf game with my grandson. Scottie Scheffler look out. You’ve got some stiff virtual competition from this old broad.

Is Embracing the Unexpected a Path To Happiness?

How many times have you heard or been told that old saw, “no risk no reward?”

In other words, we must put ourselves out on a limb to find happiness or satisfaction in life.

Not so sure I agree with that one. Sure, there are people that will reach for the stars, even tumble a few times before they reach them, if at all. But so many live quiet, contented lives and thrive. They see the stars not as something to reach, but to enjoy.

Are the rewards even greater after the pain and heartache of failing and standing back up again? Isn’t just being content to wake up each morning and enjoy the simple consistency of it all enough to build a happy life?

Falling short of reaching the moon isn’t failure, but part of a journey many take toward self-discovery. Yet perhaps those that needn’t strive for something so grand are lucky. They already know themselves and what will make them happy. Still, is everyone’s perception of a grand life the same?

I have seen so many that have sought to achieve against impossible odds.

Many were successful, some were destroyed. Everyone’s journey toward self-discovery is unique. Coping with achieving less that one’s goals isn’t the same for every individual.

One never knows what will await someone at the end of the road, and whether or not they can handle what they find. Some can’t.

I’ve thought long and hard about what drives people.  Why we all have different levels to reach to sustain contentment and self fulfilment. Is it random or destiny that guides our path? If so, is accepting less than we sought merely a way to test one’s resolve or teach life lessons.  Or lead us toward our true path?

I’ve known people whose life expectations fell short and they couldn’t go on living. Sadly, they were unable to move ahead and chose to end their own life. I’ve always wondered why and how they made that drastic and tragic decision. Even what might have altered that choice.

Looking around it seems as though goals are quite diverse and complicated. Yet in some small way we follow a path we perceive as either smooth, or filled with potholes. It becomes obvious the outcomes we anticipate aren’t always as we’d hoped. Yet, is our plan the one that counts, or is there a better one we need to discover along the way, and to follow? I believe in many cases there is. And doesn’t a detour usually signal there is construction on a new fresh and better road being prepared ahead?

For many the journey is calm and certain.
I knew so may that opted for a calm and quiet existence and life didn’t turn out that way. We always move ahead into a future that is uncertain and unpredictable whatever we pursue.

Others who sought a more unconventional life actually found that peace and self-awareness must include valuing calm and restraint.

We can choose, but so much of the time destiny chooses for us.

We only have a certain modicum of control over the life we choose.

Yet many will readily admit choice is an illusion and we often find ourselves on unexpected roads.

Like driving down a familiar street and finding it closed. Once we’ve turned onto the detours unfamiliarity leads us in directions better than we ever anticipated.

Many will tell you it’s those new roads that bring us to destinations filled with great joy, knowledge and adventure. Still, some wish they’d stayed on the old road and remain dissatisfied with the outcome.

Whatever one’s circumstance may be, human beings must adapt to be content. There is new purpose and fulfillment in unexpected twists and turns.

I have seen so many that stubbornly battled life in a grudge match that didn’t end well.

I suppose what I’m saying is that great opportunities don’t always present themselves in a manner you imagine or insist upon.

Keeping open to new adventures, changes and detours along life’s road may be exactly what leads us to that best life we always sought. No matter how unexpected the path may be.

Filling the Gaps in My Giddyup

The other day at Maj Jong, yes I said Maj Jong, a friend walked in to play. Another looked at me and said,” look at her feet.” I looked down and she was wearing two different shoes.

They were similar, but one was a darker shade and different texture.

I laughed out loud. Not to make fun of my friend, but from sheer relief knowing I wasn’t the only one.

Lately I’ve been thinking, well, that thinking is actually becoming a luxury. I find myself needing to focus on one thing to get it done right when I used to do at least three things at a time with little effort.

Those days are sadly gone. And I’m not referring to the times I walk into a room and forget why.

When leaving physical therapy the other day, a thought occurred to me…my body has now learned a new talent. Compensation. That’s right, even at my age I am still learning.

When I tore my rotator cuff the doctor strongly suggested I have surgery. I suggested just as strongly that I try PT first. I decided it was worth trying the least painful method before subjecting myself to an invasive procedure. So I took myself to PT determined to fix a broken and badly torn up shoulder.

My doctor was skeptical and assumed I’d be back and sign up for the procedure shortly. He was wrong. Never underestimate the cowardly.

What I noticed after beginning the work of forcing my muscles to do the work of the torn pieces of my shoulder, was that they were not exactly thrilled by the prospect.

But I wasn’t any more thrilled at the thought of having surgery so I persisted.

After a while they gave in. Oh sure the tear is still there, but my other muscles have compensated and I can use my arm.

I suppose that at a certain age it becomes all for one and one for all where our bodies and minds are concerned.

We become good at compensating for the parts that don’t work very well any longer, and we fall into patterns that will allow us to keep trudging along.

Much like an old car that needs repairs constantly to keep running.

And running is something my body wants no part of, compensation or not.

If it’s true that necessity is the mother of invention, our bodies are a real mother.

They somehow find a way to offset the parts of us that have slowed down. Or others that refuse to work at their previous at all some days.

Sometimes without even being aware it’s happening. Finding a way to continue with the activities we once took for granted can suddenly become a challenge. Yet there is no doubt we must battle to do so.

Much like hearing our whole lives that if one loses a sense, the other four become more acute.

It should be no surprise to us that our brain finds a way to continue using our bodies in the way to which we have become accustomed.  

The brain is the ultimate computer, yet like all electronics it becomes obsolete as new updates are installed.

My Iphone and computer stopped communicating so one had to go.

However, unlike manmade technology the brain has unlimited new circuits and programs one can install. It is a great manager and an untapped resource.

They say we only use a small part of our brain capacity. If so, our bodies should be able to adapt and form new wiring as needed.

The experts say AI will help us to achieve this. Perhaps, but in the interim we are on our own. Many say learning new things like a language opens new pathways in the brain. Pretty much I’ve found it just adds more stuff in there to forget.

Adapting and compensating for the things that don’t work as well as they once did is on us.

I guess we can help it along by being open to new ways of thinking, moving and caring for our bodies.

I suppose there are many ways to continue at a healthy pace. At least doctors and researchers say so.  Little things we do each day can either help us slow down aging or speed it up.

Despite the pep talks, we all seem to age differently. I have friends who play pickleball while I opt for retail cardio to exercise.

Some find themselves slowed down considerably mentally and physically, while others move about as though no time passed at all.

Is it luck? Is it genes? Or is it a result of past choices? Beats the hell out of me. Perhaps in the end it’s a combo of all of those.

Food, exercise, using our brain, staying in motion, yata yata yata is all supposed to play a part. I haven’t the nerve to tell my body parts that chocolate is on the endangered list. No way I’m going there.

Whatever the answer it’s a simple fact we all could do better in some ways. And should we always be grateful to still be here and schlepping along, peak performance or not? For sure. We definitely should. Life can be enjoyable in new ways and surprises we never expected, so moving forward optimistically is always the way to go.  

Whatever our limitations, hopefully ending up with matching shoes each morning should at least be within our reach. Boy these walking shoes all look alike now where is the mate to this…?

Brusha, Brusha, Brusha. Here’s the New Ipana…

Despite the fact I watch an inordinate amount of British television I still can’t quite understand what makes Brits tick.

I know they have many opinions about Americans, Jews, the Monarchy, the French, and dogs. But seriously, what’s up with their teeth?

I have heard all sorts of excuses for the British smile, from the water to the cost of dentistry, but here’s the thing; Catherine and William have a beautiful smile. So water is not the issue.

Why would the Queen of England or the King have to worry about the price of dentistry?

If the Monarchy is hard up for money, a jewel or two from a tiara or a diamond lying around could cover the cost. Okay so maybe more than one. Have you seen the price of dental work lately?

But he is the king after all. He’s worth a few bucks.

I have noticed even celebrities on British television series could use an implant or two, or three, and how about some whitening guys? If you aren’t earning enough Americans could start a Go Fund Me page and have Amazon send over some Crest strips.

If I seem overly critical or snide it’s that Brits pride themselves on being better and smarter than other people. So, shouldn’t that include better teeth as well? Their egos make them fair game in my estimation. Just a nod to Joan Rivers.

The attitude difference is rather shocking actually.

Americans are possessed with plastic surgery, white teeth, toned bodies and all else superficially obvious on one’s body.

The Brits, not so much. Their famous actors don’t seem overly concerned about a wrinkle or two whereas in the U.S. they would be denied work. Well, the woman at least.

American plastic surgeons are on every celeb’s speed dial and their dentist’s number right underneath.

So now I’m wondering if the Boston Tea Party was actually about dental issues.

Perhaps King George wasn’t just crazy and over taxing the colonies. He was also a believer in brown, crooked teeth.

I did hear that Benjamin Franklin was quite the ladies man. It wouldn’t surprise me if he was concerned with his appearance, including a bright, white smile.

And George Washington had false teeth made from a variety of materials, including ivory and even human teeth.

So I guess dental issues were part of our history after all.

Whatever the reason we split from the UK, Americans have some marked differences with our British ancestors. I mean besides the fact they believe they are morally superior to us renegade colonists.

It is often surprising to me that their values are so far removed from ours. Begs the question, was that something that was always the case, or happened after we split? I’m thinking they are just jealous about our great July 4th barbeques.

Now the whole anti-Jewish thing is no surprise at all. They even threw the Jews out of England.

In case this is a surprise to anyone here’s a bit of history that may clear up how the Brits feel about Jewish people.

According to the British Library, in 1290, King Edward I issued the Edict of Expulsion ordering all Jews from England. This was the first time a European state had permanently banned Jews from its territory. The reason included the king’s financial needs and rising anti-Semitic sentiment. 

Issued on July 18, 1290, it required all Jews to leave by November 1, 1290. What they could carry they could take, but their homes and other possessions were forfeited to the king. Jews were not allowed to return to England for over 360 years. 

Quite ironic when one realizes Queen Victoria’s favorite prime minister was Benjamin Disraeli, born Jewish.

After an argument with his synagogue Disraeli’s father had his children baptized into the Church of England, but remained a Jew his entire life.

Just a little history and some irony there. And perhaps the King could use some of the money his family stole from the Jews to fix his teeth.

Brits are not known for being good at expressing their feelings, maybe communicating with their dentist is a problem.

Their neighbors the French have good teeth. Of course, the British attitude toward the French is long known. But hey, it’s pretty much everyone in the civilized world’s attitude when it comes to the French. I can’t criticize them for that one.

So, what has any of this to do with teeth?

I suppose it’s the fact that although the British are so concerned with other people and their flaws, they don’t see their own. Is this usually the case with many people? Yes.

I believe the phrase highfalutin may apply here. Their overblown opinion of themselves and their constant criticism of Americans and minorities.

No, the Jewish people weren’t the only ones deemed not good enough for them. Indians and blacks didn’t have any picnic in the UK either.

So maybe “physician heal thyself” might come into play. Hello, you are the King of England. Your concern for the planet is admirable, but check out your own mouth.

Is this a lack of vanity or simply a lack of priorities? Are teeth the end all be all of public diplomacy? Am I being mean?

Okay, a little mean, but they have it coming.

Still, a smile says a great deal about how one wishes to appear to others; and how they chew their food. Teeth are something one can do something about today, so what’s their problem?

Although in England showing your teeth may only apply to their beloved dog’s growl.

Or sneering at those they deem beneath them.

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