Tag: YouTube

I’d Love to Clock Father Time

Back in the day we had time, and that time was delivered by clocks.

There were clocks all around us.

The round one on the school room wall. The one on your mother’s old giant stove. The fun Kit Cat Klock with his tail marking the seconds.

The one on your alarm clock radio, the cuckoo and the clock in that cool new two-toned car your father just bought. And our watch.

One of my favorite clocks was always the one the white rabbit ran through wonderland carrying while screaming about being late. Perhaps our most effective reminder about how important it is to show up on time. At least it was for me. Let’s face it, why would a bunny rabbit be so agitated unless it really meant something? That’s how I saw things.

We had all kinds of reminders about time. Clocks, what time the Mickey Mouse Club started and why it was so important to rush home to watch American Bandstand. The fact time was an important factor in our lives wasn’t lost on us. Not dawdling while walking to school was planted in our brains.

Of course, when you’re young there is a different concept of time.

It seemed the school year simply crawled by at a snail’s pace. Summer vacation always looked eons away. Sadly, summer vacation seemed to move more quickly.  

At a certain age that all changes.

I’m not certain if awareness comes slowly. The realization that time is beginning to pick up speed. One day you wake up and say what the hell happened to the past year? I swear it was just here. I know I was actually living in it and then, poof it just vanished into thin air.

Or do we gradually just acclimate to the fact the days are shorter and the months are passing quicker than they once did?

Whichever it is, we are suddenly faced with the fact we are growing older at supersonic speed. When we look back at years gone by, it amazes us how fast we’ve come to this one.

Yes, for some reason we find ourselves talking a great deal to our friends and family about how fast it’s all going. How long ago the past seems to us.

Probably because we have so much more past to remember today.

Our brain becomes adjusted to remembering things that happened thirty years ago and much slower to remember last week. Could that be because what was now means so much more to us.

I’m not talking in terms of living in the past and not be aware of the now. Suddenly, all the things we did and were able to do before creep into our memories like photos on one of these movable picture frames.

Remembering those who’ve left seems more essential to keep them alive.

Yet we realize how important it is to embrace the present. To be in the now and not squander the time we have left.

So although we haven’t the energy or will to move through life as quickly as we once did, we find ourselves facing leisure guilt.

If we choose to stay at home and relax while watching a favorite movie, is that a waste of time? Shouldn’t we be out running around creating new memories at breakneck speed while we still have the time?

What exactly does embrace the now really mean? And should it be the same in our older years as it was in our youth. Yet isn’t everything a memory?

Of course it’s true there is much more that needs to be done when we’re young.

Our lives are filled with stuff to accomplish each day. School, work, raising children, meetings, chauffeuring the kids about, cooking, cleaning and falling into bed at night exhausted from the day’s activities.

Then suddenly we’re living in a time when we can pick and choose what and how to spend those hours.

It’s now our choice to golf, pickleball or meet a friend for lunch. Perhaps we should spend more time with our charity work or travel more?

We can fill the hours with the things we want, but we can also choose to simply relax and enjoy doing nothing.

Reading a book, knitting, watching YouTube, chatting with a friend on the phone about how crazy the world has become.

And most importantly spending time with our children and grandchildren.

So what makes the things we used to do more deserving of our time than what we do now?

Probably because the things we do now, except for the thousand doctor appointments a month, are of our choosing.

Not that working or raising a family wasn’t a choice, but it was what we did for the people we loved.
Now how we spend our moments are up to us and for us.

Sure, we still take time to do things for others, after all our children and grandchildren still often need us. But most of the time it’s up to us how we use our hours.

If anything, we are far more aware of the clock than ever. The ticking sound is always there in the back of our minds.

Despite the fact we now use an iphone or computer to tell time in lieu of a Kit Cat Klock, the seconds rush quickly by.

Just like as a kid when we wanted summer to last longer, today we want the years to slow down and stop flying so fast.

Neither then, nor now will what we want change anything.

Father Time is a bitch and no friend to anyone. Oh sure, they dress him up with a long white beard wearing an innocent looking outfit carrying his little scythe.

But he is the ultimate master of deception. The world’s greatest thief.

If I ever run into him I am definitely going to stick that scythe where the sun don’t shine.

Enjoy your day everyone.

YouTube, I Tube, We all Scream for YouTube

If you have watched YouTube lately you will learn everything you never wanted to know.

So many podcasts, short and determined to teach and inform us about topics we didn’t even know we didn’t want to know? YouTube validates what we need validated. It provides programs that help us escape, and teach us how to well, do pretty much anything. It provides entertainment in all forms. Want to rewatch Elvis on Ed Sullivan. Just type it in. Want to see an old favorite movie. It’s there. Want to turn a sponge into a glitzy wristwatch, someone will show you how. How to make a chocolate brownie with no sugar, no flour, no taste? There is talk, arguing, theories and the exact time the world will end and how. Just check, it’s all there. 

Despite the abundance of chatter, people seem to talk a whole lot without saying anything. The important issues in the world are never discussed while the most inane and nonsensical repeats at warp speed. And YouTube seems to capture it all in an unstoppable flow of what-the-hell-did-he-say? moments.

For example, and you knew I had a few, eleven government scientists connected to high clearance projects have disappeared since 2022. Have you heard much about it? Nope, me neither. Just that the government was initiating a probe to check it out.

A probe like the Kennedy Warren Commission, laugh laugh, that found, what the hell did they find anyway?

Yet the most foolish and inconsequential crap is all over YouTube, addictive and available 24/7.

Every time Meghan Markle defecates someone is reporting on who she dropped it on. Twenty-five experts on podcasts are debating whether Prince Harry can actually walk and chew gum at the same time. The consensus is he can’t. YouTube pundits have even coined a phrase about his wife. Now anyone who deals with her and gets screwed over, and it sounds like that’s everyone, is now referred to as having been “markled.” Oh, how does Webster’s Dictionary keep up?

Yet, the fact important, normal people are claiming to have evidence we are being visited by little green men gets no coverage at all on the nightly news.

And oh yes, many will say, “Well it’s not true. There’s nothing to discuss cause little green men don’t exist and they aren’t running around eating Reese’s pieces. People who think that are nuts.”

Really? Have you seen some of the people walking around lately? And eating Reese’s Pieces?

I must see ten people a week I swear have absolutely no relation to anything even semi human. And I live in LA, so sure, there’s lots more of them here. Many days I walk around here muttering, “Beam Me Up Scotty.”

So what’s my theory about why we seem to shy away from the really big scary stuff, and focus on silliness and trivia?

I imagine it’s the same reason Israel is now being blamed for William Shatner’s toupee. Crazy is easy, truth is hard.

Should one speak up more? I often heard that as you get older you are less inclined to keep your thoughts silent. With age comes the ability and guts to speak your mind and damn if anyone doesn’t like it. You’ve earned the right to honesty, to speak out, to stop caring about what others think.

But will you?

Can someone who has spent their life in fear of offending others suddenly wake up one morning, look in the mirror and say, “Okay, today I am going to say anything I want about everything and I couldn’t care less whom I hurt?”

I have trouble believing that.

This open mouth theory is simply wishful thinking on the part of those who want to, but probably never will. Being a truth teller takes real guts and there is no glory.

We shy away from truth because as Jack Nicolson said, “you can’t handle the truth.” He was right. It seems so much easier to simply hide beneath a mountain of stupidity and craziness and ignore reality. A reality that is so frightening and out of anyone’s belief system, we refuse to see or speak it into existence.

I believe human beings have limits on how much horrible they can endure. We are only equipped to accept so much bad into our psyche before we overload and begin caring about stupid stuff.

We seek content that somehow creates an illusion that all is right, life is good and bad people don’t really exist. Is it real or AI? Who cares anymore as long as it distracts us from the craziness. If a dog can dance and sing Putting on the Ritz in a tux and top hat diverts my attention for a few moments, I say dance, doggy dance.

YouTube allows us to believe the things we are actually witnessing with our own eyes aren’t really happening. And, if we focus on silliness the evil will disappear.

Podcasts distract us and allow us to accomplish this end. We escape into a nether world where life is as we knew it once. Where it made sense and good was good, and evil was bad and we could discern between the two.

When we all agreed on what was right or wrong and young people actually knew that being stupid, clueless and oblivious are bad things.

Blaming those you dislike for all the wrongs in the world won’t change the fact everything is upside down and sideways. That we live in a seriously unbalanced world, too frightening to even open our eyes and perceive.

So we turn on YouTube and watch, and watch, and scroll and watch some more. The cat and dog videos cooking alone are worth the price of admission. It’s a diversion we desperately need to keep us sane and protected from the insanity surrounding us.

I’d love to chat more but I have to go. Joe Rogan is interviewing a cat chef that can debone a chicken blindfolded.

“Can You Spare a Sheet, Please?…” Julia Louis Dreyfus

Who doesn’t love a good conspiracy? The juicy kind that makes the rounds on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook or Substack. Everyone is weighing in with a fury and writing madly about their take on this new mystery.

I can only imagine what would have happened had we had social media during the Kennedy assassination, MLK or Bobby?

Kennedy’s assassination as painful and excruciating as it already was would have been unbearable. It was already fraught with a cornucopia of theories from which to choose. And yet still to this day do we really truly know who ordered that hit? Not really for certain. Will we ever? Probably not.

It’s like the Hoffa disappearance and the yearly discovery of his remains, or a million other explosive stories that make the rounds constantly. Most just foolish imaginings, some with a grain of truth, but too little evidence to be considered proof.

We all remember the pandemic I believe. Hard to forget actually, although it’s difficult to imagine it was already six and a half years ago.

I actually have a conspiracy theory I haven’t really shared with anyone, but I will go out on a limb here and lay it all out.

Yes, we suspect that Fauci indirectly gave the Chinese money to create a deadly virus in a Wuhan lab. I don’t think anyone was really buying that wet market boloney.

So if that was really part of it, and that’s a big if I admit, it seems pretty likely there was one entity that would profit big time by its creation. Dada! Big Pharma of course. I mean in every crime show they always tell everyone to follow the money. Can you line up for a poke please?

Guess it does seem likely they may have not been all that upset about the whole COVID thing.

But, and here’s a big but, there were also others that profited unimaginably by the pandemic.

Amazon for example. Lauren Sanchez and her plastic surgeon are now reaping the benefits of that windfall. There wasn’t even any living without that daily ring of the bell. And let’s face it we never really broke that habit.

Okay, so what’s my new theory that no one has really explored? Drum roll please! There are four. Yes, that’s right four suspects I am currently checking out with gusto. And they are: Essity, Swedish hygiene and health company that produces tissue lines globally. Kimberly-Clark, the American corporation that produces Scott and Cottonelle and Procter & Gamble that makes Charmin, one of the biggest market shares in consumer paper goods. Let us not forget Georgia-Pacific that turns out Angel Soft and Quilted Northern.

Aha! So now maybe you’re thinking this broad isn’t so crazy. About this anyway.

Let’s face facts, may we? How many people had the shot? Sure, tons. But how long will they continue to have it?

See? Big money maker, but temporary.
I suspect not only is everyone continuing to order TP, but they have had a priority shift about the product as well.

It was like a sense of desperation set in. The constant counting of remaining rolls. When to reorder, how many? Searching for new places to store those giant boxes filled with what became the undeniably most coveted necessity ever.

If a family ran out of potato chips sure there would be complaints and grumbling. Or ice cream, or the basic daily food groups, like chocolate. I imagine there may have been a revolt or two even in the calmest of families.

But could everyone survive without chocolate for a day or two until the next Amazon van pulled up? Well, everyone but me of course. Sure, not life or death for anyone.

But toilet paper. Are you kidding me? Unless you have a bidet, which is something many now have seen the wisdom of possessing and invested in.

I dread to imagine the chaos had there been a shortage. Many of us remember the Seinfeld episode when Elaine tried to borrow a sheet from the stall next to her.

I’m not being crass or trying to be as gross and disgusting as Prince Harry about this subject. I’m simply saying these four companies racked up some pretty significant profits in 2020.

Kimberly Clark up over four billion, Georgia Pacific over six billion, Essity up 11%, Proctor and Gamble up over ten percent just in the U.S. alone.
So our follow the money theory, although it also applies to others like Amazon and Netflix, is not looking so crazy now. I mean Shtisel alone made Netflix that year. Although I must admit I believe Netflix innocently profited from the windfall which continues to this day.

I can’t swear for the toilet paper kings over there. And although I’m not accusing them of anything, I must point out the strange coincidence between being homebound and the worldwide run on toilet tissue.

To this day, I am paranoid about running out. I order twice as much as I used to just in case. Am I the only one still in a toilet paper hoarding PTSD mindset. I don’t think so.

No one ever thought or entertained any fears about a shortage, now many do.

So if Greed is good, Gordon Gecko must be busy trying to create another scary virus to amass and expand his fortunes.

I guess as we grow older, we realize some of those old timey adages we heard as children might actually have a great deal of validity.

So yes, the early bird is still catching the worm, all that glitters isn’t gold and an ounce of prevention is for sure worth a pound of cure, even at today’s prices.

And whodda thunk that the boy scouts would be the philosophers of the ages? Yep, “be prepared” wins the learn-it-the-hard-way lesson now.

Oops gotta go, Amazon is outside delivering a box of Godiva.

Is The Road to Hell Paved with Unassembled Treadmills?

Is The Road to Hell Paved with Unsassembled Treadmills?

I was feeling guilty about my total lack of exercise and decided to remedy the situation. So I bought a new treadmill. Not a massive one, but a very nice portable one I could lift and move at will.

That was six weeks ago. Since heavy is a relative word, last week I called a neighbor to lift it out of the box. Now it sits waiting to be put together, patiently imparting new guilt for me to absorb.

It only needs a few knobs screwed on and a bit of oil so what is taking me so long?

There is no doubt if I focused on the task for five minutes it would be completed.

Five minutes. The time it takes to wonder if I should cheat on my diet or eat a salad.

Five minutes. The time it takes to make the bed and straighten my bedroom.

Five minutes. The time it takes to try and find that last Hershey Nugget lurking in the cupboard somewhere.

Still it sits.  Like some kind of treadmill monster goading me into movement. Challenging me to do the right thing and take it on. Knowing and gloating over the fact I can’t seem to move.

So what’s the problem I ask myself. You enjoy the treadmill once you get on and begin walking. Watching TV makes the time fly by and when you’re done you feel a real sense of accomplishment.

I choose to focus on my good intentions when buying it. After all it was a move to get healthier and feel good.

Isn’t the road to you know where paved with those good intentions.

Yes, I don’t understand that quote either.

Are they saying the road to hell is for people who intend to do good things, but never get around to fulfilling them?

Or is it a warning that if you intend to do something and neglect it, you’re going to hell.

I have a hard time believing that’s the case.

I mean if I go to hell for failing to put the treadmill together will I find myself sitting next to Hitler?

I can’t imagine it will make much sense when he asks why I’m there and I say I procrastinated when I should have put together my treadmill. But I had good intentions.

Hard to make sense of why both of us are at the devil’s table.

So let’s focus on this treadmill guilt thing.

I bought it. I had it delivered from Amazon. I tried in vain to open the box and place it on the floor. No way I could lift it. So am I to be punished for my weakness? I can hardly lift my own purse anymore let alone a treadmill.

Would I like to just hop on over there and screw on those knobs? Sure. Do you see me moving right now? Nope, but in fairness I am writing this blog so I can’t really do two things at once.

I can see it peeking out left of my laptop. I know it’s there. It’s too big to simply ignore. Much like the thingy I bought from Amazon that attaches to your phone or remote and responds to your call. That is still waiting for its batteries to be inserted.

Uh oh. Do you think the Devil is preparing a place setting because I just confessed to that one?

Or will the treadmill be my undoing?

If I said I’d finish putting it together as soon as I write this blog, I’d be lying. There is no way I’m going to give in to my guilt. After all it isn’t hurting anyone just sitting there on the floor quietly minding its own business. At least I bought it. Right? So I’m certain eventually it will be used.

I may have a bit of a problem with the cord that is actually only a foot or so long. Who thought that was practical?

So why am I castigating myself for procrastinating? Is that a mortal sin or simply a human flaw? I don’t think the two are rated equally.

We all have our moments when something sounds good. We buy into it and run with it to the logical conclusion. Yet, is it a sin if the conclusion takes a bit longer?

At this age I find myself saying, “I’ll finish this tomorrow” a great deal.

This is completely ironic since when I was young I moved quickly, and felt there was an entire lifetime to accomplish tasks.

Now when time is so limited I seem to be incredibly cavalier with it.

It doesn’t make sense of course, even to me. Yet I don’t feel the urgency to achieve quickly as I did once.

I don’t believe it’s because we get lazy as we age. Perhaps it’s that we become more selective about how we spend our time.

Is it so bad to spend an extra five minutes finishing a crossword puzzle instead of emptying the dishwasher? To watch a podcast on YouTube before I fold the laundry?

Should I rush out of the house to the drugstore instead of finishing that great documentary on Netflix?

Is it truly procrastination or a new way of looking at how we spend our moments? All things will get done in time, but does the schedule have to be so inflexible now?

The treadmill will be finished and I will hop on eventually. The exercise will commence and will hopefully be beneficial. Yet is there truly harm in deciding what, how and when we wish to proceed when time seems so much more valuable?

Will the road to hell loom before us for deciding to read a book instead of weeding the garden?

I think not. So if the devil is listening, don’t expect me for lunch. I’m busy baking popovers.

This Old House Meets This Old Broad

Writing about television has made me recall how much I enjoy watching the home remodeling shows.

Recently a friend and I latched onto a show entitled Bargain Block on HGTV which starred two guys who bought and renovated Detroit homes.

Watching them wander the streets while we tried to catch a glimpse of the street sign was always fun.

Those neighborhoods brought back memories of my childhood in Detroit and I loved seeing the old homes where we grew up. Of course I never miss The Property Brothers for sure. I mean they are so nice to their parents.

I must however credit Bob Vila for initiating my love for renovation. He and Norm Abrams showed us how to restore and redo any old shack. Along with the importance of great craftsmanship.

I never missed This Old House. How fun to watch him take a beaten down old home and return it to its former glory.

So now that I’m an old broad, I’ve decided to apply Bob Vila’s methods to my own broken down and in-desperate-need-of-renovation body.

But where to start is the conundrum.

The original structure seems to be cracking so I imagine that would be foremost to fix. The duct tape doesn’t seem to be working anymore.

I mean what’s the point of decorating a place that is falling apart? And we know how expensive fixing a structure can be.

I mean money is key, I get it. The real changes I’ve seen have come from cosmetic surgery and Ozempic. No cheap fix there I’m afraid.

At a thousand dollars a shot for Ozempic, I would lose my appetite just paying for that drug. So why use it? Just write a check for it and that will slim you down.

Moving on, although so many opt to use it, cosmetic surgery now costs a fortune.

Where one could slip in a nose job, a partial facelift or even younger eyes at a reasonable fee, those days are gone. A new nose costs ten times the price of my parents first car and a face lift is like buying a Bentley.

Looking good ain’t cheap.

So what is the answer to renovating the structure? Well, I suppose the do-it-yourself approach is the one that would be doable for most people.

So what would Bob Vila do?

He’d use Norm, less laborers and do more of the work himself.

But how does that apply to fixing up these old bones?
I suppose it’s entirely possible to get the old body into better shape on your own.

TA DA! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you YouTube.

The greatest invention since Velcro and the best way to fix up, shine up and jazz up a mirror-ready body on the cheap.

I’m sure this would be Vila approved.

On YouTube, or as I think of it, Home Depot for old broads, you can find a fix for everything.

Make up, exercise videos, recipes for healthy and some unhealthy diets. There are hairstyle tips, facial yoga, and of course ways to dress that subtract years from your style.

Will these fixes actually bring back your twenty-year old self?

Hell No.

This whole structure is tilting and it’s so expensive to hire people to prop up the whole house. I think I should have listened when my mother told me to stand up straight. Too late now, I’m leaning like the Tower of Pisa.

I should’ve known this would happen. My body and I haven’t been in sync, well since In Sync was making music.  I’ve accepted most of this has to be me leading the charge. Message to my body; a little help here would be nice.

Okay, now let’s try to check the joints. Are you kidding me? I’m creaking and moaning like 100-year-old steps in a haunted house. Feet? Flat and uncooperative. What the hell happened to that toe there? Hey, Buddy, get in line.

Forget about ever wearing anything but On Cloud sneakers again. I tried to shove my foot into a high heel and I haven’t screamed that loud since natural childbirth.

On to the basement area. At least I can lift my ass with Spanx. Forget mortar and nails, elastic is key.

Now let’s check the first floor for cracks.

What would Bob Vila do about this spread in the middle of the house? Can it be reeled in with some duct tape? No, even Spanx can only do so much. Just a minute I’m going to try. Never mind. It would take hours of liposuction to put a curve back into those curves.

So on today’s episode of This Old Broad what have we learned?

Yes, YouTube is a big help in revitalizing the outer you, but what about the structure?

Okay I admit it, exercise does help. Whatever you do works, even my retail cardio does put a spring back into my step. Maybe just a little.

I also admit Physical Therapy is a great way to restore the old bones and keep the framework from breaking down.

And yes, I’m going to put it in writing, eating a heathy diet does help your energy levels. But I’m afraid I have to expand healthy to include chocolate. Life is short you know.

So like any structure these old bones need renovation from time to time. And a bit of paint, some new décor and jazzing up the landscaping can make the place look fresh again.

Thank you, Bob Vila for teaching our generation how to stay young. I have to say compared to our grandparents we look like teenagers. Anyone know anything about this AI thing finding the Fountain of Youth?

P.S. Another great way to stay young…never lose your eternal optimism.

Count me in on that.