Tag: Joan Rivers

Brusha, Brusha, Brusha. Here’s the New Ipana…

Despite the fact I watch an inordinate amount of British television I still can’t quite understand what makes Brits tick.

I know they have many opinions about Americans, Jews, the Monarchy, the French, and dogs. But seriously, what’s up with their teeth?

I have heard all sorts of excuses for the British smile, from the water to the cost of dentistry, but here’s the thing; Catherine and William have a beautiful smile. So water is not the issue.

Why would the Queen of England or the King have to worry about the price of dentistry?

If the Monarchy is hard up for money, a jewel or two from a tiara or a diamond lying around could cover the cost. Okay so maybe more than one. Have you seen the price of dental work lately?

But he is the king after all. He’s worth a few bucks.

I have noticed even celebrities on British television series could use an implant or two, or three, and how about some whitening guys? If you aren’t earning enough Americans could start a Go Fund Me page and have Amazon send over some Crest strips.

If I seem overly critical or snide it’s that Brits pride themselves on being better and smarter than other people. So, shouldn’t that include better teeth as well? Their egos make them fair game in my estimation. Just a nod to Joan Rivers.

The attitude difference is rather shocking actually.

Americans are possessed with plastic surgery, white teeth, toned bodies and all else superficially obvious on one’s body.

The Brits, not so much. Their famous actors don’t seem overly concerned about a wrinkle or two whereas in the U.S. they would be denied work. Well, the woman at least.

American plastic surgeons are on every celeb’s speed dial and their dentist’s number right underneath.

So now I’m wondering if the Boston Tea Party was actually about dental issues.

Perhaps King George wasn’t just crazy and over taxing the colonies. He was also a believer in brown, crooked teeth.

I did hear that Benjamin Franklin was quite the ladies man. It wouldn’t surprise me if he was concerned with his appearance, including a bright, white smile.

And George Washington had false teeth made from a variety of materials, including ivory and even human teeth.

So I guess dental issues were part of our history after all.

Whatever the reason we split from the UK, Americans have some marked differences with our British ancestors. I mean besides the fact they believe they are morally superior to us renegade colonists.

It is often surprising to me that their values are so far removed from ours. Begs the question, was that something that was always the case, or happened after we split? I’m thinking they are just jealous about our great July 4th barbeques.

Now the whole anti-Jewish thing is no surprise at all. They even threw the Jews out of England.

In case this is a surprise to anyone here’s a bit of history that may clear up how the Brits feel about Jewish people.

According to the British Library, in 1290, King Edward I issued the Edict of Expulsion ordering all Jews from England. This was the first time a European state had permanently banned Jews from its territory. The reason included the king’s financial needs and rising anti-Semitic sentiment. 

Issued on July 18, 1290, it required all Jews to leave by November 1, 1290. What they could carry they could take, but their homes and other possessions were forfeited to the king. Jews were not allowed to return to England for over 360 years. 

Quite ironic when one realizes Queen Victoria’s favorite prime minister was Benjamin Disraeli, born Jewish.

After an argument with his synagogue Disraeli’s father had his children baptized into the Church of England, but remained a Jew his entire life.

Just a little history and some irony there. And perhaps the King could use some of the money his family stole from the Jews to fix his teeth.

Brits are not known for being good at expressing their feelings, maybe communicating with their dentist is a problem.

Their neighbors the French have good teeth. Of course, the British attitude toward the French is long known. But hey, it’s pretty much everyone in the civilized world’s attitude when it comes to the French. I can’t criticize them for that one.

So, what has any of this to do with teeth?

I suppose it’s the fact that although the British are so concerned with other people and their flaws, they don’t see their own. Is this usually the case with many people? Yes.

I believe the phrase highfalutin may apply here. Their overblown opinion of themselves and their constant criticism of Americans and minorities.

No, the Jewish people weren’t the only ones deemed not good enough for them. Indians and blacks didn’t have any picnic in the UK either.

So maybe “physician heal thyself” might come into play. Hello, you are the King of England. Your concern for the planet is admirable, but check out your own mouth.

Is this a lack of vanity or simply a lack of priorities? Are teeth the end all be all of public diplomacy? Am I being mean?

Okay, a little mean, but they have it coming.

Still, a smile says a great deal about how one wishes to appear to others; and how they chew their food. Teeth are something one can do something about today, so what’s their problem?

Although in England showing your teeth may only apply to their beloved dog’s growl.

Or sneering at those they deem beneath them.

Continue reading “Brusha, Brusha, Brusha. Here’s the New Ipana…” →

Why We Buy Stuff on TV

“Cinderella is proof a new pair of shoes can change your life”

The other day I was watching one of the home shopping channels and it was Christmas in July, definitely one of the more brilliant marketing ploys in modern times. Who isn’t dreaming of Christmas while you’re sweating by the pool? Well, there I am watching twinkle lights, artificial trees and gold colored bells and lights at twenty times the price as the dollar store. 

So why do people buy all this stuff and these networks make billions?

Infomercials aside, and yes Cindy Crawford is gorgeous and if I thought I would look like her I’d buy her face creams all day long, the home shopping channels have cornered the market on couch potato spending. And let’s not forget the pandemic’s contribution to all this. Point and click and ten pounds of cookies can be yours.

I shall now divulge their secrets, not that it will in any way deter us from falling into their highly effective sales traps. They are good and we are hooked.

In case one hasn’t noticed every celebrity and their mother now has a product on these stations. I saw the Pope last week hawking cinnamon communion wafers and it was the daily special! Such a deal! There are over a billion Catholics in the world so you do the math. You could also buy them on auto ship, another incredible sales ploy.

So why do we buy all this stuff we don’t need? Aside from the fact our favorite celebrities are selling it there is another reason. They pound every product into your head until you’re certain if you don’t buy that new drain cleaner your house will flood, no man will ever look at you again unless you’re wearing that new magic formula make up and yes, this new beauty cream is guaranteed to make you look ten years younger so why spend money on plastic surgery. It’s a damn public service they’re doing.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen them present a new product and I shook my head and said to myself, who in their right mind would buy that? By the end of the show I am convinced I need those scissors with the built in hedge clipper and rush to call in before it’s sold out. And I don’t even have any hedges!

Can anyone live without the most comfortable bras, the most gorgeous Christmas twinkling lights in a set of three colors or a house cleaner that does everything and even doubles as a mixer with vodka after you’re through cleaning.

A very important component to these channels is they fill in the lonely hours for many people who become attached to the hosts.

Regular viewers call in with comments and the hosts recognize the names, whether they actually do or not they react that way. Listeners happily tell the host they just bought four pairs of Diamonique earrings for Christmas gifts as though they’d just won the lottery. 

Shopping becomes personal despite the fact you’re doing it with millions of other people. The late Joan Rivers realized very quickly that her customers translated into more fans at her comedy performances and she mastered the art of forming relationships that added more cha ching to her whole bank thing.

One downside to the experience is the number of times products arrive and are far from what you expect. Luckily returns are a no brainer and customers do have the option of leaving reviews about everything that’s sold. Just a tip here, it’s a damn good idea to check these out before making that call.

They have made it so easy to buy all you need to do is dial the number and you are immediately recognized. Hello sucker (fill in name here) are you calling for item number 123456? What color, how many and do you want a flexible payment method?

That’s the best! You can buy some fifty-dollar piece of crap and take three years without interest to pay it off. Who can resist, it’s like free? Hey wait do I need a fifth air fryer? Well damn it is only five dollars a month so why not?

No wonder the retail stores are in trouble. When you walk through Macy’s there is merchandise on a rack, an occasional mannequin and good luck even finding a salesperson anymore. I wonder what would happen if salespeople started grabbing you and talking up products until you buy. Can you say lawsuit?

On these shows there is a very well-trained host or hostess selling selling selling until you finally give in and purchase that fart filter for your husband even though he’s been dead ten years.

Like a barker at a carnival the hosts go after you convincing you this or that is a necessity you can’t live without and you buy.

Doctors show up with their own pills or make up or creams and that home liposuction kit will eliminate that midriff bulge in twenty minutes.

Even celebrity chefs spend hours on the channel hawking cookware until you’re convinced your eggs could never taste good again unless they’re fried in that chef’s non-stick pan. Even popular hosts sell their own products, have cookbooks of their own recipes and have garnered millions of fans to serve their own retail agenda.

There is nothing you can’t buy on television. Furniture, clothing, food, tools, dishes, toys and I’m waiting for a daily special on a car before trading in my old one.

This is the epitome of American ingenuity and marketing so a big bravo to them. Capitalism is alive and well on television and reigns supreme.

Well I have to go perfect a piece of junk I’m working on to sell to one of the channels, so see you on TV. Oh wait, is that an earwax candle kit? Wow that definitely takes recycling to a whole new level. Happy shopping, everyone!