Tag: grandparents

Baby Boomer Adventureland is Disney’s Scariest Theme Park

Ask any family and they will tell you the cost of a day at Disneyland is equal to a year’s salary in 1953.

The price of admission, food, souvenirs and little two-inch plastic oranges filled with two ounces of juice are a joke.

Despite the outrageous prices the lines are as long as a politician’s list of broken promises, so what’s the reality here?

Food, rent and everything seems to be moving on up; much like the Jeffersons. Yet despite prices, for some uncanny reason Disneyland keeps filling up the park.

I however have discovered a secret way to enjoy rides for free. Yep, free, and all you have to do is get older.

At a certain age, and I can’t say for a fact which, but it was definitely after 70. I received a golden ticket to a special section of Disney’s park. Not merely a senior discount, but a place catering to Baby Boomers and older.

Yep, like Charlie in Wonkaville I was granted access to any ride at Adventureland for free.

I suddenly could explore and enjoy rides with others I’d once only enjoyed at home.

And what a scary and exciting selection of rides. All so familiar and abundant among seniors. Now they could be shared in a park that included screaming every time the roller coaster dipped and swerved. The rides so real you’d swear you’d experienced them numerous times before.

One particular ride the “what the hell is this bruise mountain?” was so memorable. That’s when you awake to some mystery patch of black and blue you definitely didn’t have the night before. This ride could last for weeks until it either disappears or you have to go on another adventure and seek medical attention. No, you can’t always count on Dr. Google for a diagnosis.

The ride I seem to wind up on most is the “Ouch I can’t get out of bed because my back hurts,” roller coaster. It’s a twist and turn adventure as you attempt to find a body position with the least amount of pain.

I’ve frequently ridden, “what the hell did I just trip over?” mountain and the “incredible shrinking grandparent” guided tour.  

Of course, for the more fearless there is the “how did I wind up here on the floor whodunnit?”

For the less brave there are easier rides like the, “does anyone but me hear the phone ringing?” race. Or the “what did I walk into this room to get guessing game?” Don’t even think of missing the “Oops I lost my balance but caught myself in time,” tournament. Or the ever popular “where did I park my car?” ride along. The “what the hell did I do yesterday?” wonder ride is a must.   

People wait in line for many minutes to enjoy the “why can’t I turn my neck?” contest. Or the crowded “how long does it take to get up from a chair?” challenge. Few miss the “where’s all my hair?’ escape room romp.  

I never miss the “how many times can you ride the elevator without getting nauseous?” event.

Everyone takes a crack at the “has anyone seen my keys?” coaster. The “what doctor am I seeing today?” mystery ride, and the always crowded “try to remember their name walkabout.” No one misses the “talk louder I can’t hear you,” play-offs.   

Because Senior Adventureland is geared toward Baby Boomers the food selection is also very specific. Many relish the food at the “It Looks Like Spare Ribs Café,” that specializes in molding mashed potatoes into spare rib and steak shapes.

Some simply rave about their best seller; the faux spicy chili con carne bowl made from peas and carrots.

Instead of peppermints at the front when you leave there are Tums in metallic wrappers.

There is non-dairy ice cream in cones made of saltine crackers and pizza on a gluten free crust with non-acidic tomato sauce and fake cheese.

Every parking space in the lot is handicapped and practically everyone enjoys the use of a free scooter.

There are also booths in every section of the park with doctors offering free medical advice and people handing out early bird coupons for all restaurants in the area.

Every hour on the hour a Maj Jong tournament is featured and visitors may bet on the outcome. For others golf courses with par ten holes are available.

You can also enjoy a restful respite in the “swing in a hammock” getaway, where cat napping is always allowed.

Who says aging isn’t a blast? It’s an amusement park filled with a cornucopia of challenging adventures as one schleps through their day. So many new experiences jump up to greet you like a tsunami in Japan or a tornado in Kansas.

Maybe it’s karma? How many times did we all yell for our parents to hurry as we sat in the car with the motor running? Or wondered why they were always forgetting things?

No one ever told us they were already in their own Disneyland of fun adventures and guess what? Now we’re riding all the rides ourselves. I’m sorry, what was I saying? I know I had a funny last line, but I don’t remember what it was. Oh well, have fun and don’t miss the ten-par golf. I shot my best game there; at least I think I did.

This Old House Meets This Old Broad

Writing about television has made me recall how much I enjoy watching the home remodeling shows.

Recently a friend and I latched onto a show entitled Bargain Block on HGTV which starred two guys who bought and renovated Detroit homes.

Watching them wander the streets while we tried to catch a glimpse of the street sign was always fun.

Those neighborhoods brought back memories of my childhood in Detroit and I loved seeing the old homes where we grew up. Of course I never miss The Property Brothers for sure. I mean they are so nice to their parents.

I must however credit Bob Vila for initiating my love for renovation. He and Norm Abrams showed us how to restore and redo any old shack. Along with the importance of great craftsmanship.

I never missed This Old House. How fun to watch him take a beaten down old home and return it to its former glory.

So now that I’m an old broad, I’ve decided to apply Bob Vila’s methods to my own broken down and in-desperate-need-of-renovation body.

But where to start is the conundrum.

The original structure seems to be cracking so I imagine that would be foremost to fix. The duct tape doesn’t seem to be working anymore.

I mean what’s the point of decorating a place that is falling apart? And we know how expensive fixing a structure can be.

I mean money is key, I get it. The real changes I’ve seen have come from cosmetic surgery and Ozempic. No cheap fix there I’m afraid.

At a thousand dollars a shot for Ozempic, I would lose my appetite just paying for that drug. So why use it? Just write a check for it and that will slim you down.

Moving on, although so many opt to use it, cosmetic surgery now costs a fortune.

Where one could slip in a nose job, a partial facelift or even younger eyes at a reasonable fee, those days are gone. A new nose costs ten times the price of my parents first car and a face lift is like buying a Bentley.

Looking good ain’t cheap.

So what is the answer to renovating the structure? Well, I suppose the do-it-yourself approach is the one that would be doable for most people.

So what would Bob Vila do?

He’d use Norm, less laborers and do more of the work himself.

But how does that apply to fixing up these old bones?
I suppose it’s entirely possible to get the old body into better shape on your own.

TA DA! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you YouTube.

The greatest invention since Velcro and the best way to fix up, shine up and jazz up a mirror-ready body on the cheap.

I’m sure this would be Vila approved.

On YouTube, or as I think of it, Home Depot for old broads, you can find a fix for everything.

Make up, exercise videos, recipes for healthy and some unhealthy diets. There are hairstyle tips, facial yoga, and of course ways to dress that subtract years from your style.

Will these fixes actually bring back your twenty-year old self?

Hell No.

This whole structure is tilting and it’s so expensive to hire people to prop up the whole house. I think I should have listened when my mother told me to stand up straight. Too late now, I’m leaning like the Tower of Pisa.

I should’ve known this would happen. My body and I haven’t been in sync, well since In Sync was making music.  I’ve accepted most of this has to be me leading the charge. Message to my body; a little help here would be nice.

Okay, now let’s try to check the joints. Are you kidding me? I’m creaking and moaning like 100-year-old steps in a haunted house. Feet? Flat and uncooperative. What the hell happened to that toe there? Hey, Buddy, get in line.

Forget about ever wearing anything but On Cloud sneakers again. I tried to shove my foot into a high heel and I haven’t screamed that loud since natural childbirth.

On to the basement area. At least I can lift my ass with Spanx. Forget mortar and nails, elastic is key.

Now let’s check the first floor for cracks.

What would Bob Vila do about this spread in the middle of the house? Can it be reeled in with some duct tape? No, even Spanx can only do so much. Just a minute I’m going to try. Never mind. It would take hours of liposuction to put a curve back into those curves.

So on today’s episode of This Old Broad what have we learned?

Yes, YouTube is a big help in revitalizing the outer you, but what about the structure?

Okay I admit it, exercise does help. Whatever you do works, even my retail cardio does put a spring back into my step. Maybe just a little.

I also admit Physical Therapy is a great way to restore the old bones and keep the framework from breaking down.

And yes, I’m going to put it in writing, eating a heathy diet does help your energy levels. But I’m afraid I have to expand healthy to include chocolate. Life is short you know.

So like any structure these old bones need renovation from time to time. And a bit of paint, some new décor and jazzing up the landscaping can make the place look fresh again.

Thank you, Bob Vila for teaching our generation how to stay young. I have to say compared to our grandparents we look like teenagers. Anyone know anything about this AI thing finding the Fountain of Youth?

P.S. Another great way to stay young…never lose your eternal optimism.

Count me in on that.

Do We Stop Living Before We Die?

“Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” Jack Benny.

Lately I’ve given a great deal of thought to getting older. I never had before and truth is I never believed I was or ever could be old.

That was for my grandparents and the elderly.

I wasn’t even aware of the commercials that sell you caregivers on television.

Now when I see one I get a knot in my stomach.

Can it be that I’m old?

Is aging actually something I’m actually dealing with now?

My son acts as though I need to be in a bubble and protect myself from going outside and falling.

My daughter is always saying Mom don’t run after the dog in your socks you’ll fall.

Could I feel any older. Probably not but time will tell.

So did our parents feel this way or is this sudden realization of the laugh-laugh golden years creeping up a product of the last few years?

Since Father Time always gets his way, perhaps I can rationalize this old age thing with the fact that COVID slowed us down.

But didn’t it actually?

I mean we were all going along at a speedy pace, living our lives and then wham bam we’re prisoners in our homes. Afraid to breathe too heavily, spraying our food before we unpack it and hiding from a world fraught with evil germs. Germs with the ability to sneak under our doors and through windows. Oh those pesky viruses.

Perhaps we were naïve to believe it wouldn’t affect us down the line. Or are we just getting old and looking for excuses?

I think not.

The truth is I never felt old until COVID. I felt young and optimistic about checking off items on my bucket list, and skipping into old age with vitality and an eager and excited attitude.

Yet strangly something happened and our lives hit a speed bump.

Our ability to outrun time waned a bit and we came face to face with our own mortality.

YUCK! It wasn’t a pleasant realization.

Suddenly we were all talking about our health.

Making plans like, when COVID is over I’ll get that knee replaced. And sure I’ll take a trip when it’s safe again.

And we all ran screaming from the house when it was. Safe again, at least we thought it was.

But something had happened to us.

Mentally we lost a bit of the spring in our step.

We walked more carefully and weren’t so quick to run headlong into adventures.

We hated being stuck at home and weren’t in any way eager to repeat that experience by being sick or falling.

So many of us became more cautious. Some ran headlong into life once again trying to make up for lost time, but too many felt just a bit hesitant to take chances or risks any longer.

We began treasuring and protecting every day and prioritizing how to to spend it.

I actually have friends who would rather stay at home now than venture out and risk illness.

It’s as if the world lost its appeal. The excitement of living took a hit and we all suddenly came to terms with our limitations. Not so much fun.

Yes, many sought to make up for lost time, but isn’t that actually an oxymoron? We all know deep down you can’t recover time and once its gone well, so long.

I suppose there are two ways of looking at this.

One we must realize that the time we have left at this party is more precious than ever. To waste even a minute would be foolish and now more than ever living must be a priority.

However there are those who have decided perhaps being more cautious is the better way to

simply move forward.

That the series of constant doctor appointments, risks our cities now present and new diseases would be better dealt with carefully.

So when does the fun start up again? Where are the party hats and noise makers?

I mean when you get to the golden years aren’t you supposed to have the time to enjoy life. The freedom to tackle those projects you put on hold while raising a family, working or building a life?

Where are those adventures we see in all the cruise line ads and travel pitches with happy older people running through the capitals and wonders of the world smiling and waving?

Sometimes going to the grocery store, especially with today’s prices, seems like quite an adventure.

I’m sad to say that vulnerability that comes with age seems to have exacerbated with the COVID years and the ability to slough all that downtime off isn’t as easy as task as we believed.

So what can we do to undo the damage?

Is there a way to restore  youthful attitude? An optimistic mindset and skip headlong into life once more?

Perhaps it is possible to recapture some of that zest for living we once possessed. Maybe thinking too long and hard about living life is actually preventing us from doing so.

I imagine just booking a trip, and I understand the state of the world I truly do, would be a great first start to living again.

If there is somewhere you want to see consider visiting it in easier ways. Instead of a foot tour perhaps an ocean or river cruise?

A private tour company might be best.

Maybe there’s a charity gig you’ve always wanted to do. Or friends or relatives you haven’t visited in too long.

What about a tour of that gallery or museum you’ve been wanting to see? Or a symphony or concert you put on hold? I’m not a travel agent but I do know one thing. A trip to the doctor to check on that knee replacement isn’t something you dreamed about when you were thirty.

So no matter how easy it’s been to hold down that position on the couch and watch the new Netflix offering, now more than ever we need to push ourselves to live.

Like Auntie Mame used to say, “Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving.”

Maybe it’s time we all grabbed a seat at life’s table and started stuffing ourselves with some great adventures and new exciting memories.

Love to hear where you went when you get home with all the fun stuff to report. And I am really glad your hip replacement is doing its job.

My Grandparents Myself

My Grandparents Myself

Reading the tweets on Twitter about the NBC show Baking It on which I was privileged to be a judge, I was really taken by how many favorable responses us granny judges received. Living in the Hollywood area for so many years I’ve been brainwashed to believe that no one wants to see old people on television, or on the streets for that matter. And I must add that in this town old is considered anyone over fifty.

So you can imagine my surprise when young people were writing so many positive things about we judges, and I assure you fifty is well in the rear view mirror for many of us.

Then it dawned on me that perhaps it isn’t really so surprising after all.

Should I assume that I am the only person that adored her grandparents and had an unbelievable relationship with them, especially her grandfather?

My grandfather loved children so as the first grandchild I commanded all of his attention until my brother was born.

When I was a year old he made me an inner tube out of an old truck tire with a seat attached so he could push me around in the ocean. When we were older he took my brother and I fishing in the everglades and I even remember going to the movies to watch Some Like it Hot with him when he wanted to see his old friend George Raft. He made the best dill pickles and his laugh lit up a room, and in every picture together he looked at me like I was a banana split.

Too many of us are castigated for living in the past and told we must be in the present and looking toward the future. Dwelling on the past is a futile effort and waste of time when we could be living in the now…but is it really?

I say poppycock. That’s right. I said, poppycock.

Some days I drive myself to the Santa Monica Pier and sit admiring the ocean remembering the wonderful times with my grandfather.

Do I feel that these moments are a waste of my time? No indeed. In fact it’s rather the opposite. It’s as if I’m back in Miami Beach laughing and kicking my feet as he pushed me along the waves. I can smell the salt air and feel the sun beating down on me and these memories light me up inside even on the darkest days. How can feeling good possibly be bad?

The grandparent/grandchild relationship is incredibly special and to believe that only old people would want to see older people speaks to an inability to connect with the world and see people for who they really are.

I strive constantly to create memories I hope my grandsons will carry with them their entire lives.

When my grandson was four years old and collecting bugs I was on my hands and knees on the sidewalk helping. Although the sight of a bug made me jump five feet into the air under normal circumstances, when he asked me to secure them for him, my fears floated away on a cloud of pure joy at sharing something together. Although now when I ask if he remembers my fearless bug collecting, the recollection seems to have faded.

Yet I know from experience that many of the memories once lost ultimately reappear in time and although I can’t remember for what reason I called a friend by the time I’m finished dialing the number, my earliest memories of Miami Beach as a young child come back into focus whenever I smell the ocean.

So why are these moments of recollection so important as we get older?

In a study at Cambridge University in 2019 researchers found that “recalling specific positive memories and happy life experiences during adolescence may help teens fortify their resilience and reduce the risk of depression later in life.”

All one has to do to verify this thesis is look on Facebook. Every community has pages of memories from their old elementary or high school and the city where they lived as children. These pages are filled with pictures and images and allow users to share stories and reminiscences from their past.

Perhaps it’s simply the innocence we all crave as we get older, the need to believe the world is still that comfy cocoon we once nestled inside filled with play, fun, holidays and grandparents.

Grandparents signify unconditional love, a safe harbor in an often times turbulent ocean. A place to climb back into arms that may not be as toned or strong as they once were, but feel safe against any invader or frightening force.

We need happy memories to ward off the unpleasant ones that have a tendency to surface unwanted and uninvited. A way to reinforce the belief life is beautiful and things do work out in the end; even when they don’t.

Grandparents are the guardians of our memories. They contain all that is good about our youth, a path toward believing and sustaining hope and forcing us to forge ahead even in most difficult times.

It may be as simple as the smell of grandma’s apple pie in the autumn made with fresh apples you picked for her, the sight of your grandfather’s favorite tree you helped him plant or an old television show you watched together. You didn’t get the jokes, but you loved watching him laugh just the same.  

So I must offer kudos to the producers of Baking It who truly “get it,” and despite the Hollywood hype about the whole 18 to 49 age restrictions on television and movies, they knew better.

When we can look at television or the movies and see something that makes us feel warm and fuzzy it’s a no brainer we need more of it, and that happily includes all of us grannies.