Tag: Charmin

Please Protect My Depends From Evil

Please Protect Depends from Evil

There is no doubt in my mind I’m not the only one who has to hire Hercules to open my packages nowadays. Does anyone but me say nowadays nowadays? Anywho I was talking about trying to open packages I receive from online and buy in stores.

It seems there is a movement underway to prevent anyone over sixty from accessing their purchases.

Not only are packages impossible to open, I can’t even understand how you would even find the right place to start anymore.

They come in convoluted boxes and plastic covers that are almost impossible to expose. Does it open on the side, the top, or somewhere in between? Is this a Martian ploy to drive us all crazy and move in?

The configuration is completely foreign to me. So I wind up slicing through the entire box until I find a crease that will produce the contents. Or just try to find a scissors strong enough to cut the container apart. Maybe Robert Downey Jr. will loan me his Iron Man suit?

If these newfangled and I’m not sure anyone says newfangled anymore either, boxes are a challenge, let me tell you about the bubble wrapped ones covered in plastic. They are built to withstand a nuclear holocaust and along with the roaches will be the only things left intact after World War III.

I have tried to open them with scissors, obscenities, knives, rocket launchers, a crowbar and a prayer. Nope, nothing works.

Some do allow access if you bend the entire wrapping backward. Then you can almost see a slight opening only someone who works out every day could even pull back.

By the time I open these damn packages, I’m too weak to use what’s inside.

So I must ask myself, is this a plan to kill off old people and lower the population?

I have heard of certain cultures that believe if someone lives too long, they’re outta there. So is this the new way of ridding the planet of those who are past their prime?

Ah, so I see, it’s an old people test of some sort.

Like a carnival arcade game.

Open the wrapping and prove you are fit to stay on earth.

Hmmm? If this sounds like some dystopian plot, have you tried to open those new boxes from Amazon that use the same glue as NASA on its rockets?

Not only can we tear every muscle trying to open up a new can opener or bottle of make-up, we can also go mad trying to figure out which end is up. Or worse slice our hand off trying to cut the darn things open.

I have spent a lifetime trying to figure out which end is up and now, just when I think I mastered the test, there are these boxes.

Ah but who is behind this evil plot? Is it SPECTRE? Or Austin Powers? Come back to us Sean Connery. Come back!

Just like there are senior friendly caps on prescriptions shouldn’t there be the same for boxes? I mean we could check a box on the order whether or not we are old. If that box isn’t too small to see of course. Then they could send us easy open containers.

I don’t want to get all Gray Power about this, but don’t seniors have rights? Shouldn’t we be allowed to open boxes as easily as a body builder? Can’t they test to see if anyone but Arnold Schwarzenegger can open these containers?

Even a bagel has a plastic support invention to cut it open safely.

I guess I have to ask myself, who are they protecting my face cream from?

Is there some type of corporate espionage we don’t know about?

Is Charmin secretly ordering boxes of Northern Quilted to copy their softness secrets? My ass is flattered they care so much. Perhaps Proctor and Gamble is protecting my Oil of Olay so that Chanel can’t steal its anti-wrinkle formula.

You would honestly think the key to Fort Knox was in those boxes. Well the joke is on them because the U.S. is so broke they will have to go somewhere else to find any money now.

I understand merchandise must be protected from shoplifters. But now that’s it’s all under lock and key can’t they ease up a bit on the packaging? I mean is Metamucil really in danger of being stolen by a herd of constipated elephants?

Can an eighty-year-old woman really shove a giant size box of Depends into her purse?

Is there a run on cases of Ensure in drug stores? And could an old person really lift one?
But are these products designed to be protected in the stores? Or as I am prone to believe, from anyone opening them post purchase? Perhaps they should return to using the blue dye attachments that spray your face?

Corporations spend a fortune protecting products with unopenable boxes each year.

Just a thought here. Perhaps the money would be better spent installing metal detectors in every school in America to protect kids instead of Ex lax? Just saying.  

California Does Biblical?

Can You Ever Be Happy in California?

Don’t worry, be happy. A popular song and supposedly the attitude of Californians, but is it really?

Californians are never happy. In a state that is constantly complaining about the lack of water and screaming draught every minute I have heard ad nauseum how evil it is to take a shower lasting more than two minutes. I almost killed myself once trying to rush out of the shower to meet the time limit. Getting the soap off me in the designated time has become one of life’s great challenges.

I’ve heard Los Angeles politicians are considering forming a committee to determine whether or not to create a water police force.

So now I have to worry about using too much water and getting a ticket or being thrown in jail. In California showering an extra minute is apparently a far worse crime than robbing, looting, stealing or killing. But I digress.

So today as I sit here happily listening to the pitter patter of little raindrops on my window screens I am elated.

Of course the state is in a panic because water dares to enter its borders, but why when all they talk about is the lack of it?

The fig tree outside my window that is usually forced to be happy with the buckets of water I provide its roots when I remember, is literally dancing in the raindrops like Gene Kelly holding his umbrella and wrapped around a pole.

Yes, it’s windy and yes, it’s wet outside, but I’m from Detroit and a little rain is the least of bad weather to my mind.

So what does it take to make these Californians happy?

They hate it when it’s dry. They complain and run for the bomb shelters when a few raindrops hit the earth so what does it take to satisfy them?

A friend of mine said the grocery stores yesterday were pre-pandemic. People throwing food and Cheetos in their carts and fighting over toilet paper like the world was ending. Hey, that’s my Charmin and keep your paws off my quilted Northern! Oh my heavens the ground is wet how will we cope?

So why does California suffer so much from water envy?

Here’s a thought…when it’s pouring rain like it is today and was this past winter why not store the water to use when the supply is low?

Hmmm, that’s a thought. Let’s see; capture the water before it flows into the drains and back into the ocean. Duh, what a concept.

Hollywood is the land of the tease. When I first moved here I quickly discovered the weathermen loved to bait people with startling reports of inclement weather. Hide and take shelter the rain is coming.

Then I’d wake up the next morning and somehow it was always sunny and gorgeous. I soon learned that being a weatherman in LA is a fun job if you like tormenting trees and flowers with visions of falling rain.

Hey, Palm tree, wanna be in the movies?

There are definitely many risks associated with living in LaLaLand.

Shaking earth is the biggie. Every time I feel the earth move my heart stops and I close my eyes and pray.

Next, mudslides. How’d you like to wake up with a ton of mud sleeping next to you? Well in LA it can happen.

Third is definitely fires. Oh boy, this is scary because one spark can set off an entire neighborhood. I think we’ve seen lately how horrible the consequences of a fire can be after Maui.

Oh and there is the danger of driving on the 405. If you don’t pass out waiting to move an inch forward in traffic, you could be killed by some guy speeding in and out of lanes while cars are literally at a standstill.

So today California went biblical. Of course I’m not downplaying the dangers that can be a factor of a rainstorm. Lightning, downed power lines, snakes, no cable or Internet, flash floods, that’s a big one, or having your house float away into the Pacific Ocean like the coastal residents have to fear.

So far since I began writing this blog, we’ve had an earthquake, mudslide, tropical storm, floods and snakes.

So yes rain can be a problem, but right now the sound of the raindrops outside my window are a welcome change from the constant sunshine we’re forced to live with. Boo Hoo.

Wait a minute that sounded a lot like complaining about all the nice weather, Norma.

Oh Lord, am I turning into one of them? No, no, no I love the rain, I love the sun, it’s all wonderful. Let it pour and may every tree and flower enjoy each raindrop.

Of course it’s a good thing that California and Nevada are over preparing for any dangerous event. As Jalaima, our housekeeper in my youth always preached, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”

I hear Tropical Storm Hillary is leaving for Vegas tomorrow. That’s a gamble. Good luck at the tables, even a hurricane couldn’t win in that town.

So fellow Californians stay alert and please somebody collect the damn rain water so I don’t have to take those two-minute showers this winter. It’s really hard to scrub your feet with track shoes on. What the hell? Was that a locust flying by my window and was he hugging a frog. Hey sound effects, cue the hailstones!

Keto Philly Steak

2 Zero carb tortillas if small. Larger you’ll probably only need one

1 cup Ground Beef or Steak

½ cup Green, Yellow or Red Peppers

¼ cup mushrooms (optional)

¼ cup Onions,

Oil,

1 cup Provolone or Mozzarella Cheese or two thick slices

Saute onions, peppers until translucent

Remove and add beef and when browned add back peppers and onions. Cover with cheese and then cover and melt cheese on top of mixture.

Remove and place on pita and fold over. Enjoy!